Warning: Here is a "Kim Gets Real" post

So I may or may not have mentioned here (who knows what I have said here and what I haven't these days) that I joined a Facebook support group for parents of children with 1P36 Deletion Syndrome. I can't tell you how great this has been for me. There are 750 other parents there who have children who are like Flor in many ways (in one major way for sure-- the same genetic diagnosis). I have learned so much from the sharing of experiences, venting, asking questions, etc. For example, one of the major questions doctors couldn't answer for me about Flor was the big life expectancy question. The group has a mom whose daughter is currently 47 and the group also has members who have lost their 1P36 kids in childhood. So, while that doesn't really give me an answer, it gives me a much better idea. It all just depends. This is just one example of the kinds of things I have learned from the group.

Another major way the group has been a support to me is that I feel like I am getting free group therapy or something. The information shared there validates me and normalizes my experiences with Flor.  While we have been dealing with the pooping and spreading issues with Flor (which has happened a few more times- UGH), the group there has been a huge support as some of them have faced similar things with their kids. They have given me ideas to help her, but even more than that, just knowing that they "get it" is huge.

A recent question that was posed to the group was about behaviors in their 1P36 children. This was so great for me to read, not because I am so happy that these poor parents are dealing with so much, but again because it normalized some of my experiences with Flor. It's that questioning that I always do with her when we are facing particular behaviors that we don't understand: Would I understand this better if I had been able to be Flor's mom from the time she was a brand new baby? I am beginning to learn that the answer to that question is no, I would still question, I would still wonder, I would still not "get" her, and I would still be frustrated by the lack of ability to know what she needs/wants.

Here are some of the parent's comments that were posted on the FB page about their child's behaviors (I made sure to take off any identifying information, just in case anyone was worried)-

Yells, hits herself, hits others, bites herself, bites others, throws things, she put her head through a lead glass window, has tried to jump out of the car, runs away, holes in the wall, pulled off toenails, take off clothes in public and at home.... I am sure there is more.

Yesterday at 1:42pm via mobile · Like

Tantrums, crying, hitting (self & others), kicking, head banging, slapping own arms, hair-pulling (self & others), throwing... Putting hands in mouth was huge for many years--now much better. At school this year, they've decided to track 3 behaviors: hitting, kicking off/throwing shoes, spitting.

We have screaming tantrums that the entire neighbourhood can hear, broken windows, head banging, self mutilation, pulling hair out, running away, holes in wall, pulled door off hinge.

she bites her arm, hits herself and hits me. We are constantly working with her behavioral therapist trying to find ways to help her stop but nothing seems to be working. She thinks it's funny.

Rocks back and forth sometimes, gnaws on his wrist, or moans/cries when upset

Many of these are familiar to me because Flor does them too. I know it is hard to believe sometimes because she really can be such a sweetheart and a loving girl, but she also has some pretty difficult behaviors. The only ones who probably can vouch for that are the neighbors who have heard those awesome screaming fits. :) Tiny little Flor can throw a tantrum like nobody's business and can scream like she is being tortured when she is upset. While some of her behaviors have decreased since we have had her home (sucking her hands, for example), others seem to be increasing- the screaming, the poop stuff, and recently she has taken up spitting. What's hard is that she thinks things are funny sometimes, especially with other people (like at church with her Primary teacher- she has taken up spitting at her. Awesome, eh!?) We really can't leave Flor alone with other kids, even Hallie and Jace, because it turns into a big hair pulling, biting, scratching war (Jace is a big instigator of that too-- let's give him credit where credit is due!).

So, the point of all this is just to share what I am learning. I am learning that learning about Flor is going to be a lifetime pursuit. I am glad that I get the opportunity to have her in my life, because she sure teaches me a lot. I can't wait for the day when I can actually have a conversation with her that we can both understand. I know I will have a lot of apologizing to do, because I am certainly not a perfect mom. I handle things wrong all the time. But at the same time, I am learning to cut myself some slack. I am trying to let go of some of the guilt that I have carried around that I should understand her better or know how to handle her behaviors better. I am trying to lose the expectations that I will be able to comfort her every time she is upset or that I will be able to discipline her in just the right way that she will not continue to do certain things. This group has helped me see other moms (and dads) who are battling the same things and sometimes have the same feelings, even though most of them have been able to be their child's parent from day one.

And, on particularly rough days, all I have to do is look at her little face and remember that it is the same little face that I fell in love with 8 years ago. I dreamed of having her in my life for so many years and my heart ached constantly when she wasn't yet mine.  Just looking at her little face in this picture brings up so many feelings- reminders of what I felt and what I knew about our connection when she was just a tiny baby. Those things are easy to forget when times are hard. The miracles that have led to Flor being in our lives forever are easy to overlook in the midst of poop and tantrums, but that is exactly when I need to cling to those feelings even more. I need to remember that she needs me, but just as much, I need her. Without her, I know that I wouldn't be able to reach the potential I was set out to achieve. It's an uphill battle and I think I fail more than I succeed, but I am grateful to be Flor's mom.

Nowadays. This was per a suggestion from some of the FB group members. They suggested that we should let Flor "smear" in a controlled environment to see if that sensory experience helped reduce the poop smearing. So we tried baby lotion on a cookie sheet and she had a ball, until she started eating the lotion that is. When she wouldn't stop eating it with prompts, she got the fun smearing experience taken away.  That led to a tantrum. So, it may have been a good experience, but I am not eager to try it again quite yet...

Thoughts on Motherhood

I have heard from two people recently that my blog is always "honest." I am not sure if they meant that as a good thing, but I do try to make it a point to be real- here and in my conversations with people. I don't want to paint a picture of life being rainbows and butterflies, because it's not. No one's is. There are good things and there are hard things, so why not be real about it all?

Anyway, with that lovely intro, how about some of my honest thoughts on motherhood?

I don't remember ever being that little girl who looked forward to being a mom one day. I always liked kids and did well with them, but I didn't have that dream of just having littles and living happily ever after. That's not to say that I just had dreams of growing up and going to work and furthering my career, because that's not it either. I think growing up I just viewed my life as a bunch of possibilities, not one where I was just going to be one thing. My patriarchal blessing makes specific mention of secular gifts that I have and speaks of education I will receive to enable me to become a woman of talent in my field. Interesting. It also makes mention of raising children and being a wife and mother. So far, my life has been a wonderful (and sometimes really difficult) combination of both.

Hallie came along faster than Devin and I initially planned, but I knew when I got pregnant with her that it was her time to come and that motherhood was going to be my first priority from then on. After her birth, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to other moms out there. I failed (and still do) in a lot of areas. I don't do crafts. I don't come up with fun projects. I don't plan play dates in the park. I don't have exorbitant amounts of patience (or any at all some days). I yell at my kids sometimes. I have to say a lot of "I'm sorry"s.  It is hard to compare yourself to others when you feel like you will never measure up. At times, it has also made me feel bad for my kids that they seem to have gotten the short end of the stick.

Here is some further truth. I enjoy working. I love the break that it gives me away from my kids. I go crazy on the days that I am home all day with them. Those days really make me even more impressed with all of you stay-at-home moms, especially those of you who seem to do it all with a smile on your faces. More often than not, I am counting down the minutes until naptime or bedtime. I let my kids watch TV sometimes just so I can have a breather.

But you know what? I have come to a place where I have accepted my version of a mom and that it's okay. My kids are going to be fine, even if they watch a little TV and eat non-organic food. I do the best I can, and even if that means that I work and leave them home with daddy or a babysitter sometimes, they are learning new skills and developing relationships they may not otherwise. The bottom line is that we are all doing the best we can--whatever that is--and that's okay.

The last, and most important, truth is that I would not trade my role as a mom for anything. I love each of my kids with such a fierce love that I cannot describe. All their ornery moments are erased when Jace giggles, or when Flor smiles, or when Hallie says, "I love you, Mama." All of that is what it is about. I had no idea that motherhood was going to be this hard. The initial number of children that I wanted has gone wayyyyy down as the reality of parenting has set in. :) It is hard and it is not glamorous, but having my specific three children has taught me more than I could have hoped. They are the ones that I need to shape me and to help me to be the person I need to be for them. I marvel at how Heavenly Father has blessed me with these incredible spirits.

I adore my Hallie girl. My first born. She can be the sweetest and most thoughtful girl. She has such a sensitive and caring personality. I see so much of myself in her. When I am upset with one of the other kids, she is quick to give him/her a hug and to tell them that she loves them. What a comforter. She always knows how to diffuse me by telling me that she loves me and sharing "secrets" with me. She is constantly telling me that I am the best mom ever, and there is no better confidence booster than that! I love that Hallie wants to do what is right and wants to come to know and be more like Jesus. She already has the beginnings of a really sweet testimony of prayer and following Jesus. I love it.

Florinda. I don't know where to even start with Flor. I have learned more about motherhood, love, forgiveness, and how to be happy with what I have in the last year and a half than ever before. All of this is attributed to Flor. I have no doubt that Flor has a spectacular spirit and I hope one day that I will be the type of person that she is. Flor is so quick to forgive and has a huge smile and hug for everyone she meets. She is persistent and doesn't give up, despite her limitations. I admire her so much and hope that I can be a good mom for her. I have been open about the challenges that having Flor have brought into our lives, but I hope no one ever takes that to mean that I regret our decision to adopt her. Let me be clear about that- I will NEVER regret having Flor as my child. I know she is mine. I know that I have things to learn from her and things to provide for her. I know that she was picked for our family specifically, just as Jace and Hallie were. I know that she came a different way, but she is our child, nonetheless. I can't imagine life without her.

Jacer- my sweet boy. Having him has opened my heart to another level of love. You know as parents how you always worry that you won't be able to love your second as much as your first? Well, that's just simply not true. I don't know how it is that I can love each of my kids in such individual ways, yet have the same amount of overflowing love for them. I love Jace's bright blue eyes, his giggle, the way he says things. I also love his requests for kisses and hugs and how he wants to cuddle each night before bed. I love that he is a mama's boy, even though I wish sometimes he wanted daddy to hold him at the store, too. :) I love that he follows his sisters around and wants to be like them. I love (almost) everything about this little boy.

And so, even though I haven't become the type of mom I used to think I should be, I am so grateful to be a mom. I am grateful that these gifts have been given to me. I am grateful for the other moms in my life who have set and continue to set examples for me. My cousin Carlie wrote this beautiful post on her blog that I loved- it summarizes my own feelings so well about the mom figures in my life.

Happy Mother's Day, everyone, whether you are the perfect mom, the one pleading everyday to become a mom, the not-so-great-but-trying-mom like me, or anything in between. Hope it's a great day.

A Day in the Life...

So, I have seen some people post what a day in their life is like and I have loved reading them, so I thought this would be fun to record for me too. Read if you would like, if not, come back another day.

A day in the life of Kim:

6:30 am- alarm clock goes off. Hit snooze button no less than four times.

6:50 am- roll out of bed, get dressed, and do a little exercise (note: I do not normally get up and exercise, but Devin and I are attempting to be better. I might even make a chart, since when something is in chart form, it is basically set in stone for me. It makes me uneasy to see things not checked off on the charts. Case in point: We made a chore chart for ourselves about 5 or 6 weeks ago and our house has been much cleaner since. Why? I can't stand to see that day's chore not checked off. Weird, I know.) Oh boy. If my tangents are going to be this long, this post is going to take days. Again, feel free to skip. :)

7:16 am- pant, red-faced around the front room while trying to regain some semblance of normalcy after my exercise attempt.

7:25 am- eat with the kids- pancakes that Devin has lovingly cooked during my absence

7:40-8:15am- put Flor on the potty and get Jace in the tub. Order Jace to sit down. Tell Flor not to eat toilet paper. Ask Hallie to get her pajamas off so that she can get in the tub next. Tell Jace to sit down. Wash and get Jace out of the tub. Get him dressed. Get Hallie into the tub. Wash her. Try to get her out, but she instead insists on staying in to play for a while. Finally persuade Hallie to get out of the tub. Cheer for Flor as she goes potty. Get Flor in the tub. Get Flor washed and out of the tub. Tell both naked girls to sit tight while I run downstairs to get them some clothing. Oops, should have brought that up before. (Devin was not here for this morning. He normally is for this routine, but he had some things he needed to do, which made it that much less smooth for me.) Get Flor dressed. Get Hallie dressed. Work on Flor's hair. Tell Jace to get off the stool. Answer Hallie's questions about death and the resurrection (she is on the topic of death these days. How sad that her little 3 year old mind has to comprehend it on the level she does. She had a lot of questions about Jesus' death and Linda's death.) Continue working on Flor's hair. Tell Jace to stop taking everything out of the bathroom drawers and throwing it in the sink.

8:24am- Finish Flor's hair as I hear the bus pull up. Throw her shoes on as well as her backpack and run her out the door. A few seconds later realize that her teeth were never brushed. Double oops. (Many apologies to Flor's teachers- I know firsthand that her breath is not the best.)

8:26 am- Do Hallie's hair to her exact specifications. Brush Hallie's and Jace's teeth. 2 for 3 aint bad in the teeth brushing department, or so I tell myself.

8:30am- read the newspaper/news online/check facebook. Hallie and Jace are roaming freely around the house.

9:00 am- Put Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on for Hals and put Jace down for a nap.

9:03 am- I strip the beds, gather the rugs, and get the old towels and take them downstairs to be washed (remember the chore chart? This is today's chore for me.)

9:10 am- consider making the beds right away but decide against it. (just for the record- Devin did the beds later. Plus his own chore of deep cleaning the kitchen. Good husband, eh?)

9:15 am- finally bathe my stinking self.

9:59 am- after dilly dallying around, talking to Devin (who has since returned) and reading a little, I decide that I ought to do my hair and get ready to go to work.

10:16 am- show up at work. I know, I can get ready fast.

10:18 am- listen to voicemails and return clients' calls. Enjoy especially talking to one of my former birth moms who placed 2 plus years ago. I haven't heard from her in forever. Love hearing that she is doing so well.

10:40 am- respond to emails/talk to secretary/ check in with boss.

11:00 am- begin a 3 hour Ethics CEU webinar. Snooooooooooooooze. Play games on my phone to occupy my time. Chat with Camille online while listening to said Webinar. Write two sentences on my pad of paper (for the entire three hours-- obviously an insightful webinar). Get up. Walk around. Eat lunch. Make jokes with boss and other boss about how terrible webinar is. Play more games on my phone. Draw a little. Consider getting the crayons out of the cupboard and coloring a picture for Hallie. Become very glazed over. Get really antsy when the webinar runs 3 minutes over.

2:12 pm- pack up my junk and hurry out to the car. I was supposed to be at Flor's school to meet with her teacher at 2:10.

2:14 pm- (I drive fast. The school is nearby. Don't judge.) Run up the stairs at the school in my skirt. Arrive panting in front of Flor's classroom door with teacher standing there eying me suspiciously.  Mumble out my lame excuse for being late.

2:19 pm- Meeting with Flor's teacher and the speech therapist to go over all her recent testing results. All tests say that Flor is between 12- 18 months. Laugh with teacher that the state is requiring her to have an IQ test in order to get disability services. (Apparently the psychologist tried to give the test just to meet the requirement and it was a great joke.) Discuss plans for Flor for summer. Discuss Flor's progress (great progress!!)

2:49 pm- Ignore call from Devin. Hurry and end conversation and run out the door.

2:53 pm- Call Devin back and inform him that I am on my way. Yes, I know he has to be at work at 3 pm.

2:58 pm- Pick Devin, Hals, and Jace up. Rush Devin to work.

3:06 pm- Drop by the bank.

3:20 pm- Pick Flor up from school. (usually she rides the bus, but we were out and about doing errands, so I thought I would just pick her up so we didn't have to go home to get her at 4.)

3:34 pm- Call my sister while making our way to Costco. Tell Jace not to stick his sticky hands on things (thank you bank suckers). Tell Hallie no that we are not watching a movie in the car. Discuss Relay for Life ideas with sister. Tell Hallie that we are not watching a movie in the car. Discuss our crazy family with sister. Tell Hallie that NO, we are NOT watching a movie in the car!

3:44 pm- arrive at Costco. End conversation with sister. Park at the very end of the lot as nothing else is available and start making the trek to the front of the store. Adjust arm. Jace is heavy, arm is dead. Order Hallie to hold on to my pants. Hold Flor's hand. Move one inch per minute. Steady progress...

3:47 pm- Still inching along. See friend I haven't seen in years drive up. Start getting giddy with excitement. (This friend went to Ecuador with me and hasn't seen Flor since she has been home...plus she has two boys that she is adopting herself right now.) Wait for friend to park. Talk to friend. Block traffic. Finally decide to keep walking into the store. Some poor lady offers me a cart for my herd of kids. Gladly accept cart. Throw Jace in the front and Hallie and Flor in the back.

3:59 pm- Say goodbye to friend and go about our shopping. Tell Flor not to pull Hallie's hair. Tell Hallie that no we are not getting ice cream. Tell Hallie to sit down. Console Jace with allowing him to hold my costco card.  Find one item that is needed. Tell Hallie that no, we are not getting ice cream.

4:02 pm- Hallie wails that she needs to go to the bathroom. NOW. Of course we are on the opposite end of the store. Rush to the front. Run into friend also going into the bathroom with her kids. Unload all three kids and rush into the bathroom. Attempt to hold on to both Flor and Jace while holding Hallie's door shut. Notice that Flor is missing a shoe. Awesome.

4:05 pm- Help Hallie wash her hands. Adjust Jace. Arm hurts REALLY bad now. (this kid needs to start walking)

4:06 pm- Find Flor's shoe on the way back to our cart. Shove kids all back into the cart and resume shopping. Remind Hallie to sit down.

4:07 pm- Tell Hallie that no, we are not getting ice cream. Speed shop. Throw everything in the cart that we need. Last item- diapers. Shove hallie into a tiny corner of the cart and move Flor up front to fit. Tell Flor not to hit Jace (it's more like love taps but he doesn't interpret them that way). Tell Hallie that no, we are not getting ice cream.

4:35 pm- Find a line and high tail it out of there. Console whining child who is mad that we didn't get to write our names on a balloon (Primary Children's Fundraiser and the lady didn't ask us if we wanted to donate, probably because her bagger man was reading a book and telling me all about it and she couldn't get a word in edge wise.) Tell Hallie that she can be my big helper and carry the receipt instead. She thinks this is a great idea and takes her job very seriously.

4:40 pm- Get kids buckled in car and get in the mega long line to get gas.

4:54 pm- Tell Hallie that no we are not going to watch a movie in the car. Ask her to look for the Temple instead. She misses it. She pouts. Ask her to look for mom's work instead. She misses it. She pouts. Ask her to look for the place where she goes to computer class instead. She sees that one and is happy again. (Seriously the moods of this child???)

5:00 pm- Haul the groceries inside. Put Flor on the potty. Rescue Jace from almost falling off the concrete landing. Ask Hallie to get the mail. Put groceries away. Stick soup on the stove to heat up. (We have a bunch of frozen meals again-- my sanity-- since Che', Landon, and I re-stocked a few weeks ago. See picture for evidence...I never did post this. It's only a portion of the final amount. WAHOO for frozen meals!!)

5:06 pm- Cut up some bread and some cheese to go with dinner. Check on Flor. She has gone potty-- yay Flor! Remind Flor not to eat toilet paper. Clean up everything that Jace has pulled out of bathroom drawers and thrown in the sink.

5:17 pm- Get kids up to the table to eat dinner. Kids all actually eat...feed themselves and don't whine, so I get a minute to decompress.

5:50 pm- Put Flor on potty. Clean up dinner dishes. Unload dishwasher. Load dirty dishes. Wipe counters. Sweep floor (this is a nearly every meal occurrence...we have really dirty eaters.)

6:05 pm- Tell hallie to get pajamas for herself and Flor. Change Jace's diaper and get him into pajamas. Ask Hallie to get pajamas. Ask Hallie to get pajamas.

6:10 pm- Brush everyone's teeth. Flor's get an extra good scrubbing because of our oversight this morning. She is none to happy about this. Console Flor. Dress girls.

6:17 pm- Read stories/scriptures. Remind Hallie to sit down so everyone can see.  Flor acts disinterested but sits still. Jace is who knows where. Remind Hallie to sit down so that Flor can see.

6:40 pm- Clean up items that Jace has emptied out of his drawer. Change Jace's diaper again as he stinks. Wasted diaper...ugh.

6:45 pm- Loves and kisses from everyone for Jace and then Jace is in bed.

6:47 pm- rock Hallie in the rocking chair and sing hymns/Primary Songs to her very off key (we have started rocking Flor at night for bonding purposes/helping her be comfortable with physical touch for longer periods of time, so of course Hallie insists upon a turn too.)

6:53 pm- rock Flor in the rocking chair while repeating off key singing. (Poor girls.)

7:00 pm- get Hallie and Flor into their beds and tuck them in. Loves and kisses for all.

7:01 pm- answer Hallie's five questions as I am walking out her door. Tell her no, she doesn't need a bowl to throw up in (she is not sick, she just asks for a bowl every night "just in case.") Tell Hallie she will have to save her next five questions for tomorrow. Tell Flor not to suck her fingers. Make my exit.

7:04 pm- eat a large brownie. I deserve it.

7:08 pm- turn on the TV for some mindless viewing while I finish the rest of our thank you cards (thank for your patience everyone). Feel overwhelmed with gratitude again as I think of the over 150 people who helped us in our adoption process.

8:15 pm- done with thank you cards. Catch up on facebook, blogs, and news while continuing to watch mindless TV (Chopped is on. My favorite.)

9:00 pm- begin this post on the blog.

9:02 pm- Answer Devin's call as he is on his break at work.  Talk to him for a minute then resume blogging.

9:43 pm- remember that I never watered the pots today as I intended. Water pots.

10:04 pm- Devin is home for work. Get pajamas on, brush teeth, catch up on our days, then get in bed.

10:15 pm- read a conference talk with Devin.

10:30 pm- prayers and lights out.

10:34 pm- I'm in a deep sleep. (okay, I don't know this for fact because I haven't been able to figure out yet how to check the time while sleeping, but it's probably a good guess.)


Aaaaaaand, there it is-- a day in my life. Fairly boring, but I think it will be fun to look back on some years down the road and see what life was like with three young kids....it goes by too fast, right?

My job as a mother of two

Poor little Jacer has RSV.

Who gave him permission to get sick?? Not me.

As if I don't have a hard enough time controlling chaos at home on my own with two kids, this means that I have had to take the two of them out together, ALONE. Eek, I know. We'll get to that.

I think Jace started getting sick on Saturday. I wanted to take him to the Urgent Care on Sunday after a really bad night Saturday night, but of course he was better during the day and we talked ourselves out of it.

Monday he was worse. Coughing, snotty, stuffy, etc. Poor little man. It breaks my heart, it really does. I called the doctor's office as soon as I got home from work and they said to bring him down right away. Luckily, Devin was home at the time. Unluckily, that meant that we had to forego our typical Monday afternoon grocery shopping trip (I love grocery shopping. I know, I'm weird) for a trip to the doctor's office instead.

The doctor checked Jace and said he suspected RSV but that we would need to go to the hospital to be checked for sure. He handed me the order form with horrible scribbles that I could not read and sent us on our way. Luckily, the hospital could read his horrible scribbles, which apparently said "Page me with results" and a phone number because we got a call from the doctor about 6 pm stating that the result was positive indeed. He gave us some ideas of what to do (which is nothing, there is nothing you can do) and told us he would like to see us again in his office the next day (today). Instant dread. I knew Devin would be working and that I would need to take the children into the office myself. Argh. Enough to ruin my whole day, I tell you.

It's not as if Jace is the problem. Let's get real here. He sleeps a good 90% of the time and is content when he is awake. The problem lies in a little girl whose name starts with an H and ends in an allie.

I enlisted Devin's help to get them both in the car when I got home from work before he had to take off for work. By the time I got to the doctor's office, Hallie was already chanting incessantly that she wanted fruit snacks. The nurse at the doctor's office has been trained by Hallie to give her fruit snacks and a sticker every time. Poor nurse, to have been whipped into such shape by a two year old. There is nothing I can do, literally nothing, to stop the chant for fruit snacks once Hallie hears mention of the doctor's office. I even tried to bribe her with candy bar. No good. (well, to be honest, she said she would take the candy bar too, but then immediately started her chant for fruit snacks again.)

The office was particularly slow today in getting us back and as they were, Hallie became more and more attached to a hideous doll in a little car seat that she found in the toy room. I could sense immediately that the doll was going to cause us problems. Yes, yes, it did.

While the doctor was checking Jace, Hallie proceeded to undress the doll, remove her diaper, and shout, "Mommy, she pooped!" I of course was trying to act like I was paying attention to the doctor, afterall, my child's health is on the line. But by ignoring Hallie's proclamation that the baby had pooped, it only increased her volume and intensity. "MOMMY!!! SHE POOPED!!!!! CHANGE HER DIAPER!!" "MOM!!!!! SHE NEEDS A NEW DIAPER. SHE IS STINKY!!!!" The balancing act then begins. Eyes trained on the doctor trying to make mental notes of all his instructions, one hand holding onto Jace, the other changing a fake diaper on a fake baby. Shouldn't that appease her? No. The second the diaper is back on, the rips it off again and starts the game over. "MOMMY! She pooped! Change her diaper!" Ahhhh, so fun. The land of pretend in a 2 year old's mind.

At this point, I could see the doctor is sensing that we have had enough. He tells me that he wants me to get some machine to suck Jace's snot out. He wants us to check in again on Thursday. Wait, back up. He takes that back. He will call us on Thursday. No need to, er, pay the co-pay again to come in, he says. (He means, let's not make this poor woman drag her two kids over here again.) And as far as the machine name, he doesn't want us to have to wait around while he finds out its exact name from his partner, so he will text it to me. Yep. The doctor texts me. That's how bad he feels for me.

Leaving the hideous doll at the doctor's office was the next big chore. Hallie ran to the doors and was on her way out before I could catch up and inform her that the doll does not belong to us and that it needs to stay there. Utter. And. Complete. Meltdown. Of course, right in front of the doors where people are trying to come in and out. What do I do? Before, I had two hands and could pry the doll out with one and pick her up with the other. Now, not so much. I glanced around at all the people staring at me and decided quick action had to be taken.

Put Jace's seat down. Grab the doll out of Hallie's hands and chuck it into the toy room. Pick Jace back up. Grab Hallie by the hand and insist that she stand up. No good. Instead, grab Hallie's hand and literally drag her out of the place, down the sidewalk, and all the way to the car. I am sure I got quite a few sympathetic, "oh that poor, awful mother!" glances. Oh well. The alternative was to leave my son in his seat in the office or outside the office, get her strapped in, and go back for him. Not gonna happen.

So- how DO you do it? 2 kids- one mom- out in public-proving to be nearly impossible! What's a woman to do!?

And- let's hope little Jace gets better soon. Sick babies are a sad, sad thing.

Adoption Update

Some people have been asking what is going on with the adoption process for us. There really isn't anything new to report, but we are ready to get going on everything again since Jace has made his arrival. We will have a home study update done hopefully sometime the end of this month and then start filing our forms! We are getting new family pictures done this week that we can then use to start a photo album for MF that we can send to the orphanage. The reason for this is so that they can start showing her our pictures and she can become as accustomed to us as possible. We have applied for every adoption grant available, though we haven't heard anything yet. But, we do have good news in that we sold our car (finally!) so the proceeds from that are in the adoption account. Yay!

The sweet woman at my work finished the translation of MF's medical records and has given them back to me. Everything there indicates that she should thrive in a family setting and her prognosis for development is good if she gets the therapy she needs- speech therapy, physical therapy, etc. She does have "minor" cerebral palsy- that's how they put it in the record. I anticipate that we will take her to the doctor here as soon as possible and just get everything checked out, including that diagnosis. One major concern is that she spent so much of her life malnourished that that is something that will need to be addressed right from the beginning, too. It was shocking to us to read that she is only 30 pounds (remember, she is 6 years old), which is 2 pounds less than what Hallie weighs. According to the report, she is only about 36 inches tall, which is also about Hallie's size.

I am re-posting a post I did shortly after Hallie was born because I think it sums up my current thoughts nicely as well. I feel the same way I did then, perhaps even more enhanced because of the additional child that I have and because we are actually in the process of adopting MF now- something I was only dreaming about then.

From December 2008, a month or so after Hallie was born:


I have kind of had a lot on my mind lately with regards to motherhood, love, adoption, and other things. While this may seem like mumbo jumbo to some, I want to share some of my thoughts. While being a mother is new to me (1 month down, a lifetime to go!), it has brought back a flood of memories for me of my time spent in Ecuador. I know anyone who has even glanced at my blog knows that I went to Ecuador because I talk about it all the time. It is such a part of me that I can't let go(nor do I want to). While working in the orphanages there, I learned to love like I have never loved before. Having Hallie only reinforced those feelings that I have felt before. The joy is overwhelming, the challenges ever present, and the love so unconditional it surpasses any other feeling.

I don't really know what I expected to feel when I had my own child, but I thought it would be something different than what I felt for the children in Ecuador. But it's not. I have really come to understand that love is not tied to blood. My feelings for Hallie are familiar to me because I have felt them before. Particularly with the baby that I grew so attached to, MF, I can honestly say I feel the same way toward her that I do toward my own biological child. While I was pregnant, I thought a lot about what would happen to MF and my feelings and care toward her. Would I just forget about her and move on since I would have a child of my own? Would my feelings lessen for her since she is not "mine"? The answer is no. If anything, I care about her more.

My heart aches to think that MF and many other children throughout the world do not have what my Hallie has. Not that I think Devin and I are amazing parents or anything, but we are parents, something MF doesn't have. I asked Devin the other day what would happen to MF and other children who were abandoned or orphaned in the eternities. I know thats a complex question, but I just wonder if they will be sealed to their biological parents or if they will be given a chance to be sealed to someone else. I know in many cases, parents abandon their children out of sheer necessity, but in the cases where they are truly abandoned in the sense that they were not wanted, I just like to think that a loving Father in Heaven will allow them to be sealed to a loving family.

I just want Hallie to grow up knowing how privledged she is and to know how much she has been blessed with. Even if we have trials and things are not always great throughout our lives (which I am sure they will not be), I want her to know that she is blessed because of the family she was born into and because of the church that she was born into. In her room, I have a picture of me and MF. I hope that as she grows up, she will ask me about her and that I can share with her my feelings toward MF and other children who are in different situations than she is.

Of course this all plays into my job in adoption. I have a greater sense of how adoptive parents can love children not biologically theirs now that I have some experience on both ends. I understand how people yearn for children to love and that the love is not conditioned on physically giving birth to the baby.

What do I want you to take from this? I don't know. Other than to know that I know how blessed I am and that I am grateful for the journey of motherhood and the feelings of love toward another human being that I have experienced in the past and am experiencing now.

2 weeks

2 week stats:
7 pounds 11 ounces
21 inches long

Our handsome boy is now 2 weeks old! Yay, we have survived thus far! Jace is a very good baby and is generally content, though he does let us know when he is hungry with a high pitched squeal. Quite funny. He sleeps most of the time still, but is starting to have more awake periods. We try to keep him awake from 7-10 pm and then put him to bed at 10 after a bath and a bottle. He is waking up about twice per night, once about 2 am and once about 5 am. I guess I can't complain...though I do feel sleep deprived still! I guess I will adjust.

Jace loves the binky and wants to constantly suck on it. He loves the swing and he REALLY loves the pink bouncy chair that is pink courtesy of his sister. We have started to do tummy time with him and he is quite content to just lay there. The one thing he hates most is being COLD. He really, really hates getting dressed and he doesn't like bath time generally or diaper changes either.

The poor boy got circumcised (I am sure he will love that I am writing about this on the blog later in life) last Friday. We didn't have it done in the hospital because I just wanted to get out of there, so we just scheduled a time at the doctor's office. I really wanted Devin to be there, but he had to do some school stuff, so I went alone. I told the doctor that I did not want to be in the room, so he sent me clear out to the waiting room so I wouldn't have to hear him wailing. Well, the nurse came to get me afterward and said that Jace didn't even cry at all- he just sat there with a bored expression on his face. Funny boy. I guess I could have stayed in the room after all.

Some thoughts on motherhood:
I really worried that I would not have as much love to give Jace as I did with Hallie. My bond with her was instantaneous and I remember feeling so overwhelmed with my love for her at the hospital right when I saw her. I was worried this time around because I did not feel as strong of a bond with Jace during pregnancy. I think it was mostly because it was the second time and while still exciting, the novelty has worn off a bit. I also worried because in the last few months, I have met with many of my adoptive couples who have adopted their second child and have had a harder time bonding the second time around. That is a totally separate topic and I have thoughts about that too, but seeing them struggle at times made me concerned that I would be the same way.

However, the instant I saw Jace, I was overwhelmed with emotion and felt my heart expand to make room for the love I feel for him. I have heard people say that your love multiplies with each child, not divides, and that is absolutely true.

I feel like I am the luckiest woman alive to have been blessed with two special spirits to raise. I am so far from perfect and I have a lot to work on in my mothering skills, but I thank Heavenly Father every night for sending me two amazing children. I hope that I can raise them in the way that He would have me do and to teach them who they are and the worth that they have.

Enough of the mushy stuff. I am in love with my new little man and we are so grateful to have him in our family.

Let's back up a bit

We just barely finished Jace's nursery a few days before his arrival. Here is the finished product for those who want to see it. This is Hallie's old room, but we moved her downstairs and she has been a happy camper down there (as have we- she sleeps longer due to it being darker. Yay!)

Also, the Saturday before Jace's big arrival, Devin and I dedicated the day to Hallie and let her choose what she wanted to do. We knew it would be one of her last days as the only child and that her world was about to turn upside down a bit.

Her first choice? Noodles and Pizza for lunch. Sound familiar? She wanted the same thing when Che and Landon had her on Jace's birthday. What a spoiled girl. We took her to Pizza Pie Cafe and enjoyed the BYU basketball game (the last one before the huge Davies blowout) at the same time. Hallie and Devin love their Cougs! Hals was sitting on the opposite side of the table and then insisted upon moving so that she could see the TV better to watch the game. She really does love basketball. You can see they were both enthralled by the good food and good game.

Our next order of business was to watch "Toy Story 3", which we rented from the Redbox. She said she wanted to go to the movies, but there wasn't anything great showing at the dollar movies and we are too cheap to pay for the regular priced movies. She loved Toy Story 3 though (and so did we- definitely a keeper). It is really hard to get her to sit through a movie, so the fact that she did was something special.

You can see in this picture that she was cuddling with me and wanted to be held like a baby. Regressing already. Love it. She brought down her milk in her sippy cup and would not feed herself. She kept saying "Feed it to me mom! I need my bottle." She also made me feed her yogurt (the go-gurt kind from a tube). Quite funny. She definitely had a sense of what was to come.


We also allowed as many outfit changes as she wanted that day- which was about 3 0r 4. She also wanted to go without pants, as seen here. Sure, why not?
After Devin left for work, Hallie and I read nearly every book she owns and put together all her puzzles. We had a smoothie for dinner (her request) and then she was off to bed.

Hopefully we will have more "Hallie days" as she gets older and can implement this with each of our kids, too. It was a lot of fun!

Such is Life These Days...

Life is going pretty well for us, despite the occasional mishaps that are bound to happen. Here is what we have each been up to:

Devin:
-Devin is in his second to last semester of school (can I get a hallelujah from the choir?)

-He is quite interested in "sports turf". I know this sounds funny, but he may make a career out of taking care of a golf course, baseball field, or soccer field. Rough life, eh? We will see where we end up once he graduates in April.

-Dev is still working at good ol' Smiths and loving every minute of it (that's some sarcasm if you didn't catch it). I don't mind the job at all, grocery discounts, great insurance, cheaper gas. I can't complain. But easy for me to say, right?

-Devin is still a great daddy. He loves Hallie and is so good with her. He can calm her better than I can most of the time and is happy that she is now old enough to "rough house."

Kim:
-I have been very busy at work these days. Between a quickie hospital placement and another birth mom who delivered 6 weeks early, I have been basically living at the hospital. Between these wonderful experiences, I have also had a few embarrassing ones on the job lately...1) wrecking the agency car in the hospital parking lot (it was not my fault but its still not good to be known as the one who wrecked the car) and 2) meeting with a new client with pretty severe mental health issues, I had the clinical director sit in with me. I went to stand up to get some paperwork and my leg was completely and unexpectedly asleep. I ended up tripping as I stood up, but luckily didn't face plant it. It took me a good minute to get my foot back awake and to clear my head (I got that I-stood-up-too-fast-and-I-am-going-to-pass-out feeling) and only then did I realize that I had a death grip on the director's knee. No wonder he was looking at me quite awkwardly. What can I say? I am champ of awkward experiences like that. Anyone remember the time I fell asleep on the random man's lap on a flight to Virginia when I was 14? Yeah, I remember that too. I am still upset with those "friends" I was with who did not wake me up...(Just kidding ladies, I am over it)

-I went to Idaho over the weekend with Hals for two bridal showers for my soon to be sister-in-law Lara. She is crazy enough to be marrying my brother Mikey. We are excited to have her in the fam! Hals and I had a great time and ate way way way too much. We are excited for the wedding in a few weeks in Oakland. The only thing that is not exciting about it is that we fly out the day after Hallie's birthday, which means we had to buy her a ticket. Boo.

Hallie:
-Hallie got her first concussion today. Super sad, I know. It was traumatizing for both of us. We were at the doctor's office where she was having a well check and I was having a baby check. She thought it would be fun to climb up on the table while I was up there and ended up launching off and landing on her head on the hard floor. Good thing we were at the doctor's office. He sprang into action while she and I both sat there and cried (yeah, I think the doctor thinks I am a nut job because I have cried in front of him so many times). It took her a few hours to act fine and it really scared me. She was totally lethargic and wouldn't speak. She kept trying to fall asleep, which is totally not like her at 10 am. She also threw up repeatedly on the drive home. Rough. I was afraid I had scarred her for life. She was fine the rest of the day, though and I am so glad.

-We are beginning potty training more earnestly. We have gotten her interested in the potty in the past and she really likes to wear underwear. We want her to be potty trained by the time the baby comes (crossing our fingers). Two kids in diapers just doesn't sound fun. She does great for the most part. She knows when she needs to "go" and will tell us so, but the problem so far has been that she is afraid of the potty. She sits up there for a while until she gets the courage to actually go. She gets one smartie for going, so that keeps her motivated. We will see how it goes!

-Also being the big girl that she is, she is moving on up to a regular bed! Heaven help us. I like having her be trapped in a crib (particularly in the morning when she wakes up too early), but sooner or later we knew she would need to move to a bed so the baby can have the crib. We have two twin beds, so we just moved one up to her room. This is the first night, so I really don't know how it will go, though I did just go up there and snap her picture and she was asleep in the bed.

Baby:
-I know it is unfortunate that we must call him "baby", but we have ZERO name possibilities at this point. Why are boy names so much harder than girl names??? I don't remember when we had Hallie's name picked out, but it was well in advance of her coming. We will work on it...

-He is measuring large. Very large. At the ultrasound, he was basically 3 or 4 days bigger than my due date. Now, not even two weeks later, I am measuring a full two weeks larger than I should be. I asked the doctor if I should be worried and he said no, just that I will likely have a 9 pound or larger baby if I go full term. Should I start re-thinking my plan to go overdue at this point???? I think so...

-So far, he is much more mild than Hallie was in the womb. I feel him move, but not as much as Hallie did and not nearly so rough-ish. She was all over the place all the time. He still has time, but so far, I think he is more mild.

Well, I know none of that was thrilling, but there is the update!

Problematic

Hallie has been able to open the refrigerator on her own for a while now, but just recently she has started to open it 48757 times per day to find herself a "snack". While this is good in one way (independence), it is bad in many other ways.

You can go ahead and judge me that I don't watch my child every second of every day, but its just not possible. When I haven't seen or heard from her for a while, she can almost always be found hunched in some corner eating her latest snack. Of course the refrigerator door has also been left open for who knows how long each time.

Luckily, the only things she gets out of the fridge to snack on are fruit and salad dressing. She hasn't mastered opening the salad dressing (and when she does, she will probably curb that snack habit quickly. At least I hope. I definitely don't want her pouring Ranch down her throat when she feels hungry.)

Unluckily, we are now consuming an awful lot of fruit around here. She only generally eats half of what she gets out, so then I finish it so that it doesn't go to waste. Yesterday alone this is what we ate:

*a banana
*a peach
*an apple
*half a bag of grapes
*1/4 container of strawberries

And this was all after I went grocery shopping at 4 pm. Yikes. Bad for the budget and bad for the diaper count if you know what I mean.

Right now she is running around the house as I write this post with a grapefruit in her hands. I keep putting it back and she keeps getting it back out. Luckily she hasn't taken a bite out of it (yet).

See what I mean? Problematic. Anyone have any swell advice on this subject? How you keep your children from eating 14 pieces of fruit daily? I guess I could have worse problems though...

the wrong idea

While we are definitely not potty training Hallie yet, she has shown interest in the potty, so occasionally I will sit her on her little potty just to get used to it. Most of the time, she prefers to sit there with her clothes on, but sometimes she will oblige when I request that she sit there without her clothes and diaper on (I mean, who really wants a child who can go potty on the potty but only with their clothes and diaper on? Not me.)

So today I got her to sit on the potty by telling her I would give her some juice to do so (and by juice I mean powerade. She doesn't know the difference. She loves it and since we have a year's supply of it after Devin brought it home by the case full when Smith's had it on sell for 25 cents, I figure on occasion, she can have a little to boost her electrolytes, you know. (I love when my parentheses comments are longer than my actual comments.)) I am definitely not above bribes, as you can tell. ANYWAY. Onto the story.

She sat on the potty and drank her juice happily for a little while until suddenly she sprang off the potty and ran into her room shouting "biaper! biaper!" (that's diaper to her). She came running back full speed, threw the diaper at me, and promptly peed on the floor. Also, keep in mind that lately when I request that Hallie bring me a diaper, she refuses to do so. This, of course, was an exception.

Apparently she has the wrong idea about potties and their intended use.

(At least she knew when she needed to pee though, right?)

From the Mixed Up World of Hallie...

It is so fun to watch Hallie learn and develop. I think it is just fascinating as a parent to watch her learn and absorb things. I am constantly amazed at the things that she comes up with. However, it is even funnier to watch the mix-ups she has as she is learning about the world around her. Here are a few of my favorites:

*Hallie calls both Devin and I "dada" most of the time. I think she thinks this is a general term like "parents". When I point to myself and ask who this is, she says "mama", but in general when she refers to us, it is both of us as "dada."
*As I mentioned earlier, Hallie LOVES to push strollers. She tries really hard to say stroller all the time because she wants us to get her little baby stroller out, but it comes out more like "yo yo." Then I will repeat "stroller" and she will repeat, more emphetically, "yooo yooo." I know she is trying, its just so funny.
*For a long time, all animals were "doggies" or "puppies". She would see any animal and say "woof woof." Now she is getting that there are differences and will identify other animals. She still only calls cats "meows". (If you haven't noticed, these are just random pictures that I haven't posted. This is Hallie and Grandpa and Brelynn and Kirston's marathon last Saturday. She finished and we are so proud of her!)

*One morning, I noticed that Devin had taken the garbage out in the bathroom but had not gotten a new liner. I really like bossing Hallie around to see what she will do, (haha) so I asked her to go to the kitchen to get a new bag for the garbage. She stood in the doorway trying to absorb the information for a second and then turned around and walked out. When she returned, she came with a bag alright- her diaper bag- which she started to empty into the garbage. For some reason I found this incredibly funny. She understood what I asked within the realms of what she knows and tried her hardest to obey.
*She is trying to say more compound words, but as she does, she often gets them backwards. Instead of "toothpaste" she sometimes says "paste tooth" or "sauce apple" for applesauce. It's like she remembers the end part to describe what she wants and then figures she needs to add the word she already knew (tooth or apple) to specify. Kind of funny.
*Her two new favorite things to say in response to anything are "I know" and "No way!" Even when they are used out of context, she thinks its great to carry on such a meaningful conversations. Examples:

Me: Hallie did you finish your dinner?
Hallie: I know. (she says this really empathetically usually while nodding her head)

Me:What do you want to wear today?
Hallie: No way!
*She is still a great helper, most of the time. She will bring dishes from the table to the sink, put dishes away in lower cupboards and drawers, put dirty clothes in the basket, etc. One day, as I was doing the dishes, I asked her to go get something from the table. I must have been really absorbed in the dishes because it took me quite a while to realize that she had not come back. When I went to the table, I found her on top having a grand old time dumping all the salt out. She was very proud of herself. Little does she know, that's not the type of help I need!

I just think it is so fascinating to see how her little mind works. She grasps more and more things every day and totally uses that to her advantage. She requests "treats" all the time now, probably after I mentioned a treat one time in her life. So awesome. Oh the fun of parenting!

Honoring Mothers

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Especially in recent years, I have thought about Mother's Day in different terms than I used to, particularly thinking of those who wish to be mothers and are unable to be and those who make the ultimate selfless decision in my book- birth mothers. I hope I don't sound like a broken record on my blog when it comes to these special groups, but they deserve honor as well. My co-worker Lauren posted a beautiful talk she gave in church today on her blog about remembing all types of mothers. If you want to read it, I definitely think it is worth your time. Click here for the link.

The Saturday day before Mother's Day is Birth Mother's Day. Our Provo chapter of Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) has an annual birth mother's walk to celebrate. Adoptive families, birth mothers, and anyone else who wants to come are invited. This year it was bigger than last year and so much fun. We had fire trucks and ambulances for the kids to tour, Cosmo came, and lots of candy and parachute games. There was also some walking around the track, some races, and some donuts and drinks. It is so fun. I just love the adoption community because it is so tight knit. I pretend I am part of it, though I haven't adopted. :)

Hallie had a great time with the other kids and particularly with the candy. However, she HATED Cosmo. See below for photographic evidence. Later, he walked by her and she started freaking out again. I tried to convince her that he is just a large dog (since she likes dogs), but she didn't go for that. Oh well.





Since I am a mother (oh, it wasn't obvious by the amount of info I post about Hallie?) I thought I would also record a few of my thoughts on motherhood.

Hallie came home from nursery today with a little poem that had a picture of her attached and her handprint for me. I can't tell you how much I treasure this little gift. I don't think I will ever need a materialistic gift again if she will continue to print her hand on a piece of paper for me each year.

Motherhood has changed me in a lot of ways. I love this little person in a way I can't describe. Even on days like yesterday that consist of Hallie throwing a full blown fit every two steps while we are at the grocery store and end with me carrying her in one arm while she twists and turns trying to get down and pushing the cart with the other hand, I still have to to pause and laugh and tell myself to enjoy the moment. Its all so worth it. I just don't know how people do it with more than one...

Anyway, this is a journey I am immensely grateful for. I do tend to be a worrier and I often ask myself if I am doing the right things and being a good mom, but I try to not to dwell on these thoughts because I know that they are not productive. I can only do the best that I can and so far in her 18 month life, I don't think I have done any irreversible damage. I definitely don't think I am the best mom ever (I am working on patience), but I am grateful that Hallie is so forgiving of me and my weaknesses.

I hope you all, mothers or otherwise, have had a wonderful day!

No Fun

Here is a rundown of the last few days in our household:

12 temperature readings
10 higher than 100 degree readings
8 higher than 103 readings
8 doses of Tylenol
4 doses of Motrin
6 frantic phone calls
2 loooooong nights
2 lukewarm baths
1 child who refuses to sleep in her bed
0 naps (for mom, dad, or Hallie)
0 meals eaten (On Hallie's part-except if you count the two bites of cereal for breakfast, one piece of cheese for lunch, etc. You know this is not normal!)
6 more frantic phone calls
847 hours of crying/screaming (okay not that many but it seemed like it)
1 trip to the doctor
1 pee test
1 loooong wait (1 1/2 hours) for the child to produce the needed product (pee)
1 pair of wet pants after said product missed the mark
1 husband laughing hysterically because the pants weren't his
1 diagnosis (UTI)
2 parents relieved to have antibiotics in their hands

...well you get the point. Hallie has been sick. I fear she has my bad genes that are prone to UTI's. No good. I realize that we have been very blessed as she has rarely gotten sick throughout her life. This was crazy because she is so out of her element. I am not complaining because I know so many people have children who are terminally ill or who wish to have children period.

I am simply saying that there is nothing harder than watching your child not feel well and not knowing what you can do to help. Sunday night when she first starting feeling sick, she was so clingy and wanted to be rocked and held all the time. This is so weird for Hallie. I couldn't keep myself from crying because I wanted so badly to take her pain away.

I totally admit that amidst the crying and refusing to eat and being up all night, the thought crossed my mind a few times "I didn't sign up for this!" And then I would have to remind myself, "Yes, you did." I can't expect being a parent to be easy all the time. I can't expect life to go my way every time. I know this is so small scale, but it made me think a little bit about how grateful I am for what I have. I think I will be just that much more aware of the good days and enjoy her for the happiness and laughter that she brings into my life.

You gotta admit, she is pretty funny. Oh and cute. See below.

She's rockin' the roll-o-way glasses courtesy of the dear eye doctor after he so rudely dilated our eyeballs (not Hallie's, just mine and Dev's)

Classic hair-do. She still insists upon this one quite frequently.

Hallie in her Easter dress this past Sunday. She sure looked pretty, but this was the beginning of her yuckiness, therefore, no smile.

Here's to wishing that this too passes quickly!