Thoughts on Motherhood

I have heard from two people recently that my blog is always "honest." I am not sure if they meant that as a good thing, but I do try to make it a point to be real- here and in my conversations with people. I don't want to paint a picture of life being rainbows and butterflies, because it's not. No one's is. There are good things and there are hard things, so why not be real about it all?

Anyway, with that lovely intro, how about some of my honest thoughts on motherhood?

I don't remember ever being that little girl who looked forward to being a mom one day. I always liked kids and did well with them, but I didn't have that dream of just having littles and living happily ever after. That's not to say that I just had dreams of growing up and going to work and furthering my career, because that's not it either. I think growing up I just viewed my life as a bunch of possibilities, not one where I was just going to be one thing. My patriarchal blessing makes specific mention of secular gifts that I have and speaks of education I will receive to enable me to become a woman of talent in my field. Interesting. It also makes mention of raising children and being a wife and mother. So far, my life has been a wonderful (and sometimes really difficult) combination of both.

Hallie came along faster than Devin and I initially planned, but I knew when I got pregnant with her that it was her time to come and that motherhood was going to be my first priority from then on. After her birth, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to other moms out there. I failed (and still do) in a lot of areas. I don't do crafts. I don't come up with fun projects. I don't plan play dates in the park. I don't have exorbitant amounts of patience (or any at all some days). I yell at my kids sometimes. I have to say a lot of "I'm sorry"s.  It is hard to compare yourself to others when you feel like you will never measure up. At times, it has also made me feel bad for my kids that they seem to have gotten the short end of the stick.

Here is some further truth. I enjoy working. I love the break that it gives me away from my kids. I go crazy on the days that I am home all day with them. Those days really make me even more impressed with all of you stay-at-home moms, especially those of you who seem to do it all with a smile on your faces. More often than not, I am counting down the minutes until naptime or bedtime. I let my kids watch TV sometimes just so I can have a breather.

But you know what? I have come to a place where I have accepted my version of a mom and that it's okay. My kids are going to be fine, even if they watch a little TV and eat non-organic food. I do the best I can, and even if that means that I work and leave them home with daddy or a babysitter sometimes, they are learning new skills and developing relationships they may not otherwise. The bottom line is that we are all doing the best we can--whatever that is--and that's okay.

The last, and most important, truth is that I would not trade my role as a mom for anything. I love each of my kids with such a fierce love that I cannot describe. All their ornery moments are erased when Jace giggles, or when Flor smiles, or when Hallie says, "I love you, Mama." All of that is what it is about. I had no idea that motherhood was going to be this hard. The initial number of children that I wanted has gone wayyyyy down as the reality of parenting has set in. :) It is hard and it is not glamorous, but having my specific three children has taught me more than I could have hoped. They are the ones that I need to shape me and to help me to be the person I need to be for them. I marvel at how Heavenly Father has blessed me with these incredible spirits.

I adore my Hallie girl. My first born. She can be the sweetest and most thoughtful girl. She has such a sensitive and caring personality. I see so much of myself in her. When I am upset with one of the other kids, she is quick to give him/her a hug and to tell them that she loves them. What a comforter. She always knows how to diffuse me by telling me that she loves me and sharing "secrets" with me. She is constantly telling me that I am the best mom ever, and there is no better confidence booster than that! I love that Hallie wants to do what is right and wants to come to know and be more like Jesus. She already has the beginnings of a really sweet testimony of prayer and following Jesus. I love it.

Florinda. I don't know where to even start with Flor. I have learned more about motherhood, love, forgiveness, and how to be happy with what I have in the last year and a half than ever before. All of this is attributed to Flor. I have no doubt that Flor has a spectacular spirit and I hope one day that I will be the type of person that she is. Flor is so quick to forgive and has a huge smile and hug for everyone she meets. She is persistent and doesn't give up, despite her limitations. I admire her so much and hope that I can be a good mom for her. I have been open about the challenges that having Flor have brought into our lives, but I hope no one ever takes that to mean that I regret our decision to adopt her. Let me be clear about that- I will NEVER regret having Flor as my child. I know she is mine. I know that I have things to learn from her and things to provide for her. I know that she was picked for our family specifically, just as Jace and Hallie were. I know that she came a different way, but she is our child, nonetheless. I can't imagine life without her.

Jacer- my sweet boy. Having him has opened my heart to another level of love. You know as parents how you always worry that you won't be able to love your second as much as your first? Well, that's just simply not true. I don't know how it is that I can love each of my kids in such individual ways, yet have the same amount of overflowing love for them. I love Jace's bright blue eyes, his giggle, the way he says things. I also love his requests for kisses and hugs and how he wants to cuddle each night before bed. I love that he is a mama's boy, even though I wish sometimes he wanted daddy to hold him at the store, too. :) I love that he follows his sisters around and wants to be like them. I love (almost) everything about this little boy.

And so, even though I haven't become the type of mom I used to think I should be, I am so grateful to be a mom. I am grateful that these gifts have been given to me. I am grateful for the other moms in my life who have set and continue to set examples for me. My cousin Carlie wrote this beautiful post on her blog that I loved- it summarizes my own feelings so well about the mom figures in my life.

Happy Mother's Day, everyone, whether you are the perfect mom, the one pleading everyday to become a mom, the not-so-great-but-trying-mom like me, or anything in between. Hope it's a great day.