A Response to Anonymous

I received a comment yesterday about my use of the term "Gotcha Day" in my last post. I would like to respond to this person and the only way I can is here on the blog since the comment was left by "anonymous".  However, maybe this is better because there may be others of you who want to know our family's opinion on this.

First, here is the comment:
I have really enjoyed reading about this whole experience, as a social worker and potential adoptive mama. But I have to say, the use of "gotcha day" threw me. It's an incredibly offensive term to use! Perhaps you might want to take a look at the blog "Letters to Ms. Feverfew" for information on why.

Sorry for the negative comment! I hope you feel better soon and continue to be blessed!

 I have read the blog "Letters to Ms. Feverfew". Here is the part where the term "Gotcha Day" is used: (This portion of the blog is a letter that was written by an adult adoptee, who shares her own personal experiences and opinions on being adopted. The author of the actual blog is a woman who placed her child for adoption years ago.)

"Try not to make a big celebration out of your child’s adoption day (and PLEASE don’t EVER use the horribly offensive and insensitive term “Gotcha Day). The same goes for birthdays. For while it may be a happy occasion to remember, keep in mind that it also marks the day that the adopted person was permanently and forever separated from their mother, their father, their original family."  (Read the entire letter HERE )

And now, I must respectfully disagree and offer my perspective on things.

I have a lot of background in adoption. Not only have I worked with adoptive couples, potential adoptive couples, and numerous birth mothers, but now I am an adoptive mother. I also have had a close relationship with adult adoptees, particularly my aunt Linda.  While the blog above offers one perspective on things, I have another. And that is okay. Each of us, as human beings, is entitled to have our own views on things. A sum of my experiences has led me to my opinions and the sum of this woman's experiences has led her to hers. She can have one viewpoint and I another and there is nothing wrong with that.

One of the most treasured times I shared with my aunt was last May when we drove to Boise to go to Wicked. My cousin Che'Lyn and I drove there and back with her, not knowing that she would pass away a short month and a half later at the tender age of 38. One of the conversations we had was about Linda's adoption. I won't share the details of the conversation, except to say that she felt differently from the adult adoptee who wrote the letter on Ms. Feverfew's blog. She was secure in the family she was placed into and felt they were her family. She had little curiosity about her birth parents and birth family and felt that her adoption had happened for a reason- to lead her to her family. We all feel too that God's hand played a part in Linda coming to our family. She is ours. She always has been. The circumstances bringing her to our family were a little bit different, but that doesn't mean that she is loved or was treated any differently. And I can definitely tell you that we never tip-toed around her birthday, afraid to celebrate it because it might offend her or remind her of  her separation from her "mother, father, or original family." That just wasn't the case.

In my experience working with birth mothers, I can honestly tell you that there are many who are happy and very secure with the choice that they made to place their baby for adoption. Many come from wealth and have abundant resources that could have helped them parent their baby if they chose, but they still chose adoption. I respect the choice that each of the expectant parents make that I work with, whether it is to parent or to place. Each has different reasons for what she chooses, but ultimately, only they can make the choice for themselves. I have also worked with a few birth parents who regret the choice they made to place for a time-which they are also entitled to. I respect each for the journey that they go through. One clarifier here- I have never worked with a birth parent who has not wanted her baby; each wants their child. However, they have their own reasons for continuing forward with a placement plan, despite knowing that it will be the hardest, most gut-wrenching, life-changing experience. These reasons may include the desire to have the child placed with a father and a mother, the spiritual prompting they receive to place, or the desire they have to have the child sealed in the Temple as soon as possible (specific to birth mothers I have worked with), or something else entirely. I have watched as many have celebrated with their child's adoptive families for birthdays, significant events, and yes, even "Gotcha Days." There may be some to whom this term is offensive, but I can honestly say that in my experience, there are more who celebrate this special day with the child's family.

Now, speaking of our specific experience with Flor. We have some details of Flor's birth parents. We know that her birth mother took specific steps to ensure that she could abandon Flor in the hospital. I am not going to speculate why she chose to do this because the fact is, we don't know. I will just say that I respect her very much and though I have never met her, I love her a great deal. She brought Flor into the world and Flor is a very important and special part of our family.

So why are we choosing to make Flor's "Gotcha Day" a celebration?

Because we have waited and longed for this little girl for 6 years. 6 years. So are we going to celebrate her finally being a part of our family? You bet we are.

Because otherwise, she would be destined to live a life in an institution. The orphanage were she was living was wonderful and far exceeded my expectations for the care given their children. But- each child there lacks one major and important thing- a family. I am a firm believer in the value of a family and I know that family is fundamental to a child's growth and development.

Because we celebrate each of our children coming into our family. We thank our Heavenly Father for each of them. Many may disagree with my saying this, but that's okay. This is my opinion and my blog, so I will share how I feel. I feel like Flor was meant to come into our family. I feel the circumstances which led her to us were indeed tragic. I feel that her life was born out of tragedy. Yes, I believe all that. However, I also believe that Heavenly Father had a plan for her from the beginning and that plan included coming into our family. My reasons for believing this and feeling this are sacred and special to me. You may disagree with me, but that won't change the way I feel about the matter. My feelings on this started 6 years ago when I was here with her, a little one year old girl, alone in the hospital with severe medical problems. I was given specific thoughts and feelings then that were a comfort to me at the time and continue to be now.

So, until the day that Flor tells me that she does not want to celebrate her "Gotcha Day" (and I would respect that), we will continue to celebrate this important day in her history and in the history of our family.  It is significant and it is a cause for celebration to us because Flor is a cause of celebration to us. As I said before, others may view things differently and that is okay, but this is a sum of our experiences and our perspective on the situation. I don't use the term lightly, but to signify something deep, meaningful, and important to us. The intent was never to offend anyone and hopefully this explanation suffices.

(Anonymous, if you have any further questions or comments, please feel free to email me. Strobelite@gmail.com)