Lesson #4: God's Love for His Children

I know it has been awhile, again, since I have posted on lessons I have learned in life (so far!) but I have had an experience running through my mind that I thought I would share and think that this is a good format for it. (If you are confused as to what the heck I am talking about, refer to my first post here to understand why I am writing about these things!)

I don't typically talk about spiritual things on my blog, but I don't know why not. I think my religion and my relationship with my Heavenly Father is a very important aspect of my life and thus, my testimony and experiences should be shared. I really hope that someday this blog will be a way for my posterity to get to know me and as such, it is really for them that I write these things. In the meantime, It is also for me that I share these things as a reminder. I hope someone else can benefit, too.

Okay, so onto it. I know you all know that one of the most vital times in my life was the time I spent in Ecuador. I don't know why I view this as such a turning point, but I feel that I just really came back a changed person (mostly for the better, I hope!) Prior to that point, I was very dependent on other people and often formed my opinion of myself on what I thought others thought of me. Does that even make sense? Anyway. One of the reasons Ecuador was so great for me is because I went into it not knowing a soul (including in a sense myself) and came out of it with a greater understanding of who I am and how I should view myself- that is more in the way God views me and with the love that He has for me and for each of His children. (Don't get me wrong, I still struggle from time to time with this concept, but not nearly to the extent that I used to. In high school, my friends gave me a quote once that said something to the effect of "God doesn't make trash!" as a reminder to me that when I got thinking I wasn't very lovable or very great at x,y,z. This reminded me that it was actually offensive to God to think of one of His great creations in such a low way. I have often remembered this little quote and though it kind of makes me laugh, I can see how true it is.)

You all know about my experience with a little girl there named MF. She affected my life in a way that no one before and no one since has. I became so attached to her that I spent each day, each hour looking forward to the next time I was going to spend time with her. She had such a special spirit about her that I wanted to be with her all the time and being away from her caused me heartache that I can't describe (still does. And it's been 4 plus years since I have seen her.) As my time in Ecuador drew to a close, the thought of leaving her became increasingly agonizing for me due to the fact that I would likely never see this little girl again. I felt a tremendous responsibility for her after the three months I had spent caring for her. I felt no one in the world had the same feelings that I had for her and that I was the only one capable of caring for her adequately. I know, it was only three months, but I genuinely felt a crushing in my heart that I would have to leave her behind as I returned to my life in the United States. Of course it was difficult to leave all the other children I had become attached to as well, but it was an entirely different feeling when I started thinking about leaving her. It was almost as if the thought suffocated me. I could barely handle it.

I seemed to have a large portion of night shifts near the end of my stay in Ecuador, which only allowed me more time to cry and worry about MF and her future. What else is there to do when you are all alone in an orphanage in the middle of the night with a lot of sleeping babies? I wrote in my journal a lot during that time some of the feelings I was having. I prayed constantly in my heart and in my morning and night prayers that Heavenly Father could help lift this burden of feelings from me and assure me that all would be well.

The answer didn't come immediately. But I still remember when it did come. It was as clear to me as any answer I have received in my life through prayer. I was praying in my bed one night after many similar prayers on previous nights, trying to control my sobs and not to let the four other girls in the room know how difficult this was for me. It was late at night and I think everyone else was sleeping. I don't know how long I prayed for, but I suddenly felt a peace overcome me and the thought come, "Kim, she is my daughter too and I love her more than you can understand. I will care for her."

I was instantly humbled. Who was I to think that I was the only one who cared deeply for this little girl? How could I forget our Maker, who loves each of us with a perfect and unending love, even when we feel we don't deserve it? Of course He would be the one to care for and provide for my little girl in my absence. He had been there all along, caring for her throughout her life. Now as I look back on the past nearly five years since I have returned from Ecuador, I know that He has been involved in every aspect of MF's life. I have been able to keep in contact with her care providers over the years, and though she has moved from place to place a few times, she has always had great care and has thrived in the homes where she has lived. I can clearly see God's hand in her life.

This lesson applies to me, too. Through loving this little girl and having that profound answer come, I have come to know that as impossible as it seems, Heavenly Father does know and love each of us individually. He knows me. He loves me. He knows my deepest thoughts and my inner being. He knows that my sometimes ugly behavior or unkind thoughts are not the real me. He knows deep down who I want to be and He sees the potential in me to be that person, even when I often don't see it myself.

I am sure this is a lesson I will need to re-learn over and over again in my life. I am only human and have hard days when I don't think I am a good enough mom, or doing enough to keep my house clean, or making everyone happy at work, or whatever the case may be. But at the end of the day, none of that really matters. What matters is that God does love me as He loves MF and every other person. He can remind us of who we truly are, just as He reminded me that an orphan with sigificant disabilities is as important to him as any other person-regardless of their earthly status, wealth, influence, beauty, or anything else.