Heartbroken

Linda, Che'Lyn, and I on our Nauvoo trip in 2005. Love it.

My life was turned upside down this week with the sudden loss of my dear Aunt Linda. I have a million things floating around in my head but I will try to keep this short as I fear it will be mumbo jumbo if I don't.

I am grateful to know about the Plan of Salvation and that families are eternal. Death is not the end. We will see Linda and be with her again someday.

I am grateful for the time we were able to spend with Linda recently. It seemed it was more than normal. I am particularly grateful for the drive to Boise when we went to Wicked. That was a great time for Che' and I to talk to her the whole way there and the whole way back. We laughed a lot. I will treasure this time forever.

I am grateful for the person that Linda is. I am grateful that she felt it important to have a good relationship with her annoying little nieces. Starting at about age 10, my sister and two cousins and I would journey to Logan to spend a week with her each summer. This became the highlight of each summer. So many memories.

I am grateful for the time I was able to spend with Linda in the hospital right before her passing. Though it was traumatic, I am so grateful. I am grateful for the time I spent holding her hand and feeling the squeeze, verifying to me that somewhere deep in there, she was still there. She was still Linda.

I am grateful that my family is as close as we are and that we can help each other through this difficult time. This is the most personal loss I have ever felt and the most grief I have ever felt. I am so raw, so emotional, so up and down. But I am grateful that I have family who understands and wishes to be together at this time to help each other through.

I am grateful for Linda's husband Brad and the strength that he has. He is such a good husband and father. I am grateful that Linda's children have him.

I am especially grateful for the last gift that Linda gave: her sweet baby Charlie, who was born during this whole ordeal. What a beauty, right? She is in the NICU but things are looking up for her. She is the last piece of Linda that we have and believe me, we are clinging on to the hope that she brings.

Prayers for Brad, Carter, Ryen, Jack, and Charlie would be much appreciated. It is their loss that is the most important as Linda was their wife and mother. While I also grieve for myself, much of my grief is for them.

Please forgive me if I am MIA from the blog for a while or if all I feel like talking about is Linda. It may consume me for some time. Just a fair warning. I hope to at least create a memory post at some point, mostly for me to remember her and the contributions and influence she has had in my life.

Why yes, he is simply amazing

I married up. No question about that. I look back on myself from high school and the beginning of college and want to just go back and say "Just you wait! You have no idea the amazing-ness that is in store for you!"

As you well know, today is Father's Day. I intended to make the day as great as possible for Devin, so I planned ahead last night and started a family classic, Sticky Buns, for breakfast this morning. That's about as far as I got though on Devin's special day. He just took over from there.

When we got home from church, we got to Skype with his parents (on a mission in Estonia) for a few minutes and while we were getting Skype pulled up, he snuck into the kitchen and started lunch. I told him he wasn't supposed to be doing that and his response was, "I want to. I want to make you happy because when you are happy, that is when I am the happiest." Who in the world is he, right?

As if that isn't bad enough, I took a nap after lunch while he stayed up and took care of the kids. While I was sleeping, he also made a some brownies, complete with marshmallows and frosting "for a treat for me tonight" as he put it. I know this is making me look very, very bad, but that is just how he is. He is one who continually serves and gives without ever expecting anything in return.

Devin is a great father and I always say that my kids are so blessed to have such good relationship with their dad. He is home when I work and so he gets a lot of one-on-one time with them. Devin is a great leader in our home, patient, understanding, loving, and completely puts everyone before himself. Like I said, I have no idea how I got so lucky, but I count my blessings every day that he is mine.



Happy Father's Day, babe! I love you so much. Hallie, Jace, and I are so blessed to have you.

And to commemorate Father's Day- Jace has his first crush! Yes, I think it's official- at least in his little mind. Never mind that she is 35 (give or take a few) years older than he is. No, that certainly doesn't matter. During sunday school today, a woman in our ward sitting next to me was smiling at him and rubbing his head and he was just eating it up. He was cooing, smiling huge smiles, and trying to carry on an intelligent conversation in baby talk with her. He was smitten. Let's be honest, I don't blame him...she is a rather beautiful woman. At least we know he has good taste! What a little flirt.

Anyway, Happy Father's Day to all!

Making a Fool of One's Self

Believe me, I have LOTS of experience in this category.

The time I was flying with my cousin and she got me laughing so hard, I spilled a bowl of cheerios all over the nice business man sitting next to me? Stupendous.

The time I kicked a really good looking lifeguard in the face (on accident) while swimming in his pool? Yes, it seems impossible, but I managed it.

The time I split my pants all the way down the back at EFY? Awesome.

The time I hit the dumpster then didn't tell my parents about it? Classic.

The time I fell asleep on some man's lap on a long flight? (What is with me and flights?) No good.

Today I had one of those experiences. It might not be as bad as the others mentioned above, but I look back on it and think, "what were you thinking?!"

We had a weekend training class for our adoptive couples, so I went all day today. During one break out session, the topic was "Raising Adopted Children." Three lovely ladies did a great job presenting the material, but there was time left over, so the floor was opened for questions. Someone asked about what it is like to have adopted children and biological children and how the relationships might differ.

Ensue awkward silence. No one had anything to say. Awkward enough, apparently, that I felt myself propelling out of my seat to say something. (oh man, laughing just typing this!)

I started crying before I even spoke. Then, my blubbering mess of a self talked about how I had fallen in love with MF before I ever had biological children and then something about how when I had Hallie I recognized that the love for each was the same. I was "ugly crying" pretty much the whole time I was up there- about two minutes- and the blank stares in the audience told me that they were unclear on what the heck I was talking about. I think I made sense, kind of. I think I explained that we are adopting this child from a foreign land and that I have biological children so it sort of was an answer to the question, but one can't be sure. I thought it tied back to the topic, but maybe not.

It's the crying that is embarrassing. Not just little sniffles, I was full on crying. Snot and all. Awww, man. And these people are supposed to think I am a professional. I bet those that are on my caseload are all feeling like the drew the short end of the stick with me- a worker who can't even hold herself together? Yikes.

At least I can (kind of) laugh now about it, right? I have had worse "I'm a fool!" experiences, afterall.

P.S. for those who read my Tales of an Adoption Caseworker blog, two new posts there tonight too! I know, it's been months, but I am on a roll! I've had a bit of a stressful week and blogging helps me de-stress and process things at the same time. Bonus.

Some more thoughts. AND an awesome video.

I love this video. I have watched in numerous times and feel the Spirit of Christ-like love that this young boy has for someone who may not be "like" him.

Watching this always reminds me of MF. She has cerebral palsy, although a milder version. In the latest pictures that I have received of her, she is in a wheelchair and has braces on her legs. While I knew that she did not walk well, it made it more real to see these pictures of her. I know she will need constant care, but as each day goes by, I get more and more anxious to bring her home.

I hope that she is blessed with people in her life that will be able to see past her differences and love her for who she is, like Spencer in this video.

I look back on my own life and hope and pray that I wasn't an additional burden to those around me who were suffering alone because they were different. There is one boy in particular I remember who went to Elementary School, Junior High, and High School with me who was developmentally delayed. Most kids just stayed away from him, though some were mean and teased him. I was one who just stayed away. I really regret this now. Why couldn't I have shown him more love? Why couldn't I have been his friend? The image I have of him in my mind's eye is him sitting in a corner, always alone. No one deserves that.

A few people have asked how I feel our children will do having a sister who is developmentally delayed and how it will affect them. I hope that they learn love, compassion, and service. I hope that MF will feel that she always has a friend in each of them. I hope that they will be the ones to stand up for her when others may be mean or tease her because she is different. I hope they will be her advocates, her champions, her support. I can only see having her in our family as a large positive for them and their outlook on others who are not like them, whether that be someone of a different race, someone who speaks another language, or someone who is disabled in some way. I don't want them to be like I was- ignoring others around them because they don't know what else to do. I want them to be friends to the loners. Friends to the disabled. Friends to those that no one else wants to befriend.

The world needs more people like Spencer. I want to be one of them. I want my children to be some of them as well.

Oh Summer, Summer

Hallie and Devin enjoying some Seven Peaks time

I finally feel like summer is in full swing around here! It is my favorite time of the year and it seems like this year it has been a long time in coming since the weather has been playing tricks with our minds.

Today, Hallie, Jace and I took a walk to the library and back (about a 4 mile journey- it took about an hour) and it was nice to just bask in the sun. Don't ask about my sunburned skin. That's just a staple of summer for me.

We stopped on the way home to get some slurpees, which (along with sno-cones) are also a big must for summer. Hallie didn't quite get what it was...but that was basically my fault because I told her that we would get something like ice cream after the library. After she finished her slurpee, she said "Where is my ice cream?" and then when I put her down for Quiet Time, she said, "And I will get my ice cream when I wake up from quiet time??" Haha, poor thing.

We also have season passes to Seven Peaks, a local water park. We have decided that we will go every Tuesday evening. We have been the last two from about 6:30 pm until 8 when they close and that has been perfect. The crowds die down by that point and its not boiling hot anymore. Hals is a super dare devil in the water, which scares me a bit, but hey, she has fun! She was going down a slide tube with Devin and then decided she wanted to go on her own. Yikes. She did fine, but I about had a heart attack when she got shot out and went under the water for a bit. I'm just a paranoid mom, what can I say?

Swimming, Slurpees, long walks in the sun. Oh summer. It's about time!

What are your favorite things about summer?

Hallie-isms

It's high time for another Hallie-isms post, right? She says and does so many funny things, it is hard to keep up, but here are some of the most recent ones:

*During "quiet time", she kept yelling from behind her door "Mom, get me out of here! Mom, GET ME OUT OF HERE!" When I did go to open the door for her, she had locked it from the inside so that I couldn't. But my attempt to open it sent her into a fit of laughter, so all I could hear from the other side of the door was this cackling, "I got you" laughter. Good one, Hals, good one.

*Also a frequent "quiet time" and bedtime refrain is "I need to go potty!" so that we will get her out of her room. I usually ask, "Do you really need to go, or are you just saying that?" And she will respond, "I just saying that." At least she is honest, right?

*One day, we had the following conversation:

Hallie: What are you doing?
Me: Mopping the floor.

Hallie: I'll sit on the couch then.

Me: How come?

Hallie: Because I'm scared of the mopper! (like, duh)

Me: Why?

Hallie: Because it will get me! (I guess it is time I stop allowing the "mopper" to "get her", eh?)

*Since she has seen three of her cousins get baptized recently, she is really on the theme of baptism. She asks every day if she can get baptized. Then I explain to her that she will when she turns eight. This makes her really excited, though she doesn't get that she won't be eight for six more years. haha. She likes to say that her daddy will baptize her and that she will have bare feet.

*One night I was trying to get her to brush her teeth before bed. Her response? "I just brushed my teeth yesterday!" My point exactly.

*One night at dinner:

Me: Do you want some more green beans?

Hallie: No, I already got some tons. No, TWO tons.

*When talking about MF one day: "I will carry her around the house! She can wear the circle dress and I can wear the flower dress!"

*I was wearing my Relay for Life t-shirt one day, which has a picture of Chris. Hallie looked at it and said, "mom! it's Uncle Chris. He's not scared!" (Can you tell a 'scared' theme going on??)

*One morning she was twirling around and pretending, so I asked her what she was doing. She responded, "making oatmeal for the Beast!" then, "I'll bring Belle upstairs. She is downstairs picking flowers." (love the imagination going on in that head!)

*One day, pretending to talk on my phone, I asked her who she was talking to. She replied, "Jen. She is asking me if I want presents."

Me: "What did you say?"

Hallie: "I said, Thanks for the presents!" then, "Let's call Steve, too."

Run, Kim, Run!

"In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that." -Fred Lebow, New York City Marathon co-founder

I can definitely say I will never come first in running. My question is...how do people enjoy this so much!?

I am up to running 2 miles at a time. Now, I know that most of you are probably scoffing at that, but let me tell you- I finish beet red, panting, and feeling as if I am going to die. Not pretty sight, for sure.

I am starting to like running a little bit better, but that's usually only after I am done. While I am running is a different story. While I run, I am usually cursing Camille and Kylee with everything I have. :) Just kidding...sort of.

I have a handy dandy app on my phone that tells me how far I am going, shows the gps map, tells my speed, and counts calories. That has been fun because it motivates me to do better than I did the last time. However, I am still not good by any means. One mile usually takes me 10-11 minutes. Maybe one day I will get faster, but right now I am just concentrating on the achievement of making it!

I also just got my first pair of running shoes, EVER. Yeah, they are a big help. I was just running in my old tennis shoes before and I could certainly feel it. These make it a lot easier to run. Funny how that works, right?

Well, if anything, at least these two look cute when we go for runs....

So- you runners out there, how do you do it!? What keeps you motivated? What do you think about/do when you run? Music? I haven't tried that yet, though maybe I will!

Send your help my way! Heaven knows I certainly need it!

friends, zoos, and lots of babies

Last weekend I got to spend some quality time with two of my best friends from high school-Kylee and Heidi, along with their families. Friday night we chatted from like 3 pm until midnight. Sometimes you just need some girl time and let me tell you, it was amazing.

We were some funny funny children back in the day (maybe still are?) and we had a ton of random adventures in high school that it was fun to reminisce and laugh about. Hey, when you don't drink or party and you live in a small area, you make your own fun. Believe me, we did. One of our other friends started an email chain this week about some of our random adventures and reliving some of the memories- and let me just tell you, I have not laughed so hard in a LONG, LONG time. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face at times. I would share some memories here, but I don't want anyone to think less of me... haha, no really no one would get our inside jokes and would probably think we are rather stupid. Oh well. Another time.

Saturday, Hides, Ky, and I loaded up the families and went to the Zoo. Whoever thought that was a good idea on Memorial Day Weekend (cough. cough. Kylee. Okay, me) wasn't the most brilliant. It was packed! Oh well, it turned out to be a really fun time. The weather was perfect most of the day, which was extra great.

Here is the whole crew of us- Seth, Jayda, Kylee, Devin, (Jace in the stroller), Hallie, me, Jerika, Vance, Heidi, (Cosette in the stroller).

Fake ponies. Awesome. Also awesome were the fake dinosaurs around the park- apparently the theme this year? Some even spit water and growled at us. Rude.

Hallie is kind of scared of animals generally, but she liked most of the ones at the zoo because they are caged and kept their distance. Looks like she is about the size of a small chimp, according to this chart.
My favorite animals were the elephants, especially cute baby Zuri.
Little Miss Cosette. She is so squishy and adorable! She and Jace are about one month apart. It looks like the trend continues for us to have abnormally large children, eh?

These two are about two months apart. They were really funny to watch and to listen to. They enjoyed watching some people feed a giraffe (apparently they paid $40 to feed them a few pieces of bread. Totally not worth it if you ask me!). Jerika also loved pushing Hallie around in her stroller. Good times for two year olds!

Nothing beats good times with old friends and that weekend was much needed for me!

Oh for handsome- he's 3 months old!

Jace is 3 months old today! Since 3 monthers don't do all that much, here are a lot of pictures, plus a few facts about him. I am glad I kept these posts for Hallie so that I can go back and see what she was up to and what she looked like at the same age. It has been fun for me. So, without further ado, enjoy some Jacer:
*No stats this month since we don't go back to the doctor until 4 months. But, I am guessing he is around 13 pounds and SUPER long. Is that even a question?

*Hallie still believes herself to be his little mother. When he cries, she always yells, "Oh Jacer, it's okay buddy!!" or something like that.
*His favorite toy is still the bouncy chair (what would be do without that thing?!) but he does also like the swing for a minute. He is starting to really enjoy his play mat- pictures below of that.
*Jace is a good sleeper and a good eater. He has been sleeping from 7 pm until 7 or 8 am the last little while. He sometimes wakes up about 2 am but we just put his binky back in his mouth and he goes back to sleep. He eats 7-8 ounces at a time and has had that much since he was about a month old. I am excited to start solids in a month or so, I think he will be more than ready.

*Jace is starting to love to kick like a mad man. Lay him on the floor, on his mat, or on a bed, and he kicks like crazy. It is fun to watch.
*He also is pro at grabbing items now. He used to just stare at his toys, then bat at them, and now he just grabs them like its no big deal. Amazing to watch babies develop!
*He is not a cuddler. I wish he was, but he prefers to hold his head up and look around versus giving hugs and cuddles. Poo.

* We just busted out the 3-6 month clothes, though he does still fit into some 3 month stuff as well. It's mostly a length problem versus a weight problem.


* I still can't get over how handsome he is sometimes. Particularly since his parents aren't all that attractive, except for Devin. He sure is a cute boy.
* I love when I go get him in the morning or after a nap and he is grinning like crazy. I tried to get a picture, but of course as soon as the camera comes out, he stops smiling. How do kids learn that this early???
*He is overall a more serious child than Hallie ever was. I can tell that already. He has a more calm and easy going temperament, which is great. Two Hallie's would be a little out of control, let's be honest!

Happy 3 months to us, since we are the blessed ones for being able to have such a sweet and loving boy in our lives. It's amazing how much fun these babies are and how much joy they bring.