December 4, 2008

Just some thoughts

I have kind of had a lot on my mind lately with regards to motherhood, love, adoption, and other things. While this may seem like mumbo jumbo to some, I want to share some of my thoughts. While being a mother is new to me (1 month down, a lifetime to go!), it has brought back a flood of memories for me of my time spent in Ecuador. I know anyone who has even glanced at my blog knows that I went to Ecuador because I talk about it all the time. It is such a part of me that I can't let go(nor do I want to). While working in the orphanages there, I learned to love like I have never loved before. Having Hallie only reinforced those feelings that I have felt before. The joy is overwhelming, the challenges ever present, and the love so unconditional it surpasses any other feeling.

I don't really know what I expected to feel when I had my own child, but I thought it would be something different than what I felt for the children in Ecuador. But it's not. I have really come to understand that love is not tied to blood. My feelings for Hallie are familiar to me because I have felt them before. Particularly with the baby that I grew so attached to, MF, I can honestly say I feel the same way toward her that I do toward my own biological child. While I was pregnant, I thought a lot about what would happen to MF and my feelings and care toward her. Would I just forget about her and move on since I would have a child of my own? Would my feelings lessen for her since she is not "mine"? The answer is no. If anything, I care about her more.

My heart aches to think that MF and many other children throughout the world do not have what my Hallie has. Not that I think Devin and I are amazing parents or anything, but we are parents, something MF doesn't have. I asked Devin the other day what would happen to MF and other children who were abandoned or orphaned in the eternities. I know thats a complex question, but I just wonder if they will be sealed to their biological parents or if they will be given a chance to be sealed to someone else. I know in many cases, parents abandon their children out of sheer necessity, but in the cases where they are truly abandoned in the sense that they were not wanted, I just like to think that a loving Father in Heaven will allow them to be sealed to a loving family.

I just want Hallie to grow up knowing how privledged she is and to know how much she has been blessed with. Even if we have trials and things are not always great throughout our lives (which I am sure they will not be), I want her to know that she is blessed because of the family she was born into and because of the church that she was born into. In her room, I have a picture of me and MF. I hope that as she grows up, she will ask me about her and that I can share with her my feelings toward MF and other children who are in different situations than she is.

Of course this all plays into my job in adoption. I have a greater sense of how adoptive parents can love children not biologically theirs now that I have some experience on both ends. I understand how people yearn for children to love and that the love is not conditioned on physically giving birth to the baby.

What do I want you to take from this? I don't know. Other than to know that I know how blessed I am and that I am grateful for the journey of motherhood and the feelings of love toward another human being that I have experienced in the past and am experiencing now.

8 comments:

LaNdOn AnD cHe' said...

Wow Kim, I really had no idea that your feelings for Maria were so deep. I truly hope that she has found a family that loves and cares for her. I'm glad that there are people like you in this world that can help with all of the babies looking for families. You're such a sweet person. Kiss Halls for me.

Chris said...

Kim, this post "me conmovio"! Haha, I dont know how much Spanish you learned from Ecuador. But it really touched me. Its such a blessing to feel the pure love of Christ for His precious children! And you're right that any of that love is profound and pure and I love that what you feel for Maria is as strong as what you feel for your own sweet baby. That is so beautiful.

Emily Empey said...

oh Kim!!! YOu are so sweet!!! I really admire you (I always have) and look up to you and your a GREAT example!!! Thanks for blogging this- it is very touching and most definitly inspiring! We need to get together soon- so that Mary and Hallie can play! Love ya Kimbo!

Jen said...

Kim, you should become a writer in your spare time! Ha ha...no really, you are a very good writer. Hallie is so lucky to have loving parents and even though I haven't been to Ecuador, I feel for all the children in the world who are born to parents who either don't want them or who don't take care of them or who abuse them. What a shame. Loved the post. By the way, what have you heard about maria lately? Is she still up for adoption?

Cody and Meg said...

Oh Kim I just love you and your blog stories that I ALWAYS read! You have such a good way of explaining how you feel. I wish I could do that. I just love your baby! She is the sweetest little thing ever and she is growing up so fast! I bet you and Dev are such good parents and I can't wait until I can be a mommy with you.

Mike and Kim said...

Kim thanks so much for writing that. It was something that gives me such great hope. I do think someday Mike and I will be able to have a baby, but who knows. What I do know is that no matter what we can adopt a baby too and I would love any baby as much as my own biological child. Thanks Kim, you are the best. I bet you are the best mother in the world and I can't wait to meet Hallie.

Shurtliff Family said...

Hey Kimbo! Thanks so much for the gift. Seriously, like the whole day I kept thinking of how kind that was of you to bring that for us. Yeah... the whole day. Even the yellow filler stuff we used in the baby room. It worked perfect for the little decor she has on her changing table...You just KNEW what to get us didn't you?!
I was way ticked I missed you guys though. I wanted to say hi and chat for a bit. Plus Hallie... ahhh! Then your blog about getting to see Em made it worse. ;) Oh well, we'll have to catch you later.
Rick said he felt so bad he couldn't remember your name. That was the first thing he mentioned when I came home. He knows you but is such a stinker... sorry!! I think he gets you and Haylee mixed up. I dunno.
Thanks again girlie!

Anneka @ Anniesays-Anniedoes said...

That was a beautiful post. It just represents what a beautiful spirit you have. The love that you feel for Maria and Hallie is the same love that Heavenly Father feels for you. His is without flaw though -it is perfect. You have a tremendous capacity to love others and sometimes it is easy to forget that there is someone that has an even greater capacity, even our Father in Heaven. This knowledge helps us to be better parents and better people. It also gives us peace that there are many out there like you that the Lord will put in the path of his lost sheep. Just like you were there for Maria.