My Journey as a Gestational Carrier: The Emotional Side

I guess I am going to continue to use the blog for the time being as a place to keep processing my journey as a GC. This whole thing has so many layers and I feel it is something that has impacted my life so significantly (in the very most positive way). It has been 3 weeks since Paris's birth, but the whole journey from start to finish has been constantly on my mind. I am sure with the passing of more time, it will be less "present" in my life,if you will, but for now, it is very present for me and something I continue to think about and want to talk about often. I believe that this experience will be one of the most impactful of my life. 

The number one question I have gotten from the start is about my attachment to Paris. People asked how I felt abut her often during the pregnancy and since her birth, the same question has come, plus how I have been handling everything emotionally. I am super happy to answer questions. Talking/writing about this is very therapeutic for me, so I appreciate those that ask about the various aspects of it.

One thing I felt was lacking during my preparation for my gestational carrier process is information on how others who have been through this felt about the baby they carried and what attachment was like for them along with what emotions were like after the birth.  It doesn't seem to be talked about very often- it's more like the logistics and physical symptoms that are discussed. So, here's my take...I am sure everyone is different, but this is my two cents and a little bit about what the emotional side has been like for me.

During the pregnancy, I feel like I did a really good job preparing myself and my emotions for the fact that this baby was not going home with me. I knew from the start that she was someone else's biological child and that she would be going home with them- all good things, and after all, that's what the whole process was for. This knowledge made the pregnancy fairly easy in regards to not developing a strong attachment to Paris. I was most excited during the process when her parents were involved and to see their excitement at her upcoming arrival after so many years of heartache and loss. However, I do think it's important to acknowledge that it was impossible (for me-- I won't speak for everyone) to not form some attachment to the baby...simply because I carried her for 9 months. I knew her movements, her hiccups, when she was up and partying, etc. I didn't have the same level of attachment to her as I did when I carried my own kids-- I don't think because of the biology (I don't believe in that, obviously. I love my adopted children as much as my biological children)- but because I knew the outcome and mentally prepared for her to go home with her family at the end.

When Paris was born, it was the best feeling in the world to see her meet her parents and to see her attachment to them and theirs to her. It was amazing and so fulfilling. I was on such a high at the hospital from watching everything unfold that I did not stop to check in with my own emotions or to assess how I was doing. It was not until a day or two after I got home that I had a huge emotional crash. The first week or so was pretty bad (just ask Devin!). I was fine one minute and completely not fine the next. I know that hormones are crazy after birth and I am normally pretty emotional for a few weeks after delivering, so I knew that at least some of what was going on was normal for me. However, I also had to acknowledge over time that I was feeling more than just the normal hormones. As I took the time to really sit with my emotions and try to dig into what I was feeling (and with the help of talking through things with multiple people), I recognized that I didn't feel like I got a lot of closure with baby Paris. She was with me one minute and then not the next. I mentioned in her birth story that I did not spend a lot of time with Paris in the hospital out of respect for her parents and for their bonding process, but as the first week passed, I recognized that I probably should have held Paris a little bit more and maybe spent one-one-one time with her to get that closure I was needing. I needed to say hello and goodbye to her in a more meaningful way than what I did. And just a note- all of this was completely my fault, not her parents', because they offered that time to me and I declined it. 

Josh and Janelle have been so amazing to send me regular pictures and videos and these have been super helpful and meaningful to me. Everyone is different in what they want, I am sure, but it helps me to see how well they are doing, how she is growing, and to see just how loved she is. Her family is over the moon for her and it is obvious. Seeing this and knowing this has been super fulfilling for me. It also continues to reiterate my decision to do this and that it was absolutely the right thing. Those pictures and videos helped a lot the first week. 

A few days after Paris turned a week old, Josh and Janelle brought her up to my house so that my kids could meet her. They were not allowed into the hospital because of COVID-19 and we all agreed that it was important for my kids to see her and spend a little time with her for closure purposes as well. The kids all held her briefly and we talked about their experience with the pregnancy and answered questions. By the way, this is another big question I get, about how my kids have handled this all. They have been troopers and totally understood from the beginning what was happening and why. We talked about it a few Sundays after Paris's birth as a family to allow them to process their feelings and they all had very little to say other then that they thought she was cute and it was great that she got to go home with her family.

When Josh and Janelle came to visit that day, they offered to let me feed Paris her bottle and I decided that I needed to take the opportunity to spend some time with her. Though my kids each held her briefly, I held her the majority of that visit. It was incredibly healing for me and so helpful. As soon as they left, I felt this huge emotional weight lifted from me. I felt like I got the time I needed with Paris- I got to stare at her little face, look at the hands and feet that were so recently kicking and hitting me from the inside, and get a feel for her little personality. The abstract concept of the baby I carried became a reality in front of me. I felt a huge sense of closure and peace after that visit. 

We have since visited another time with Paris and her family and I know that won't be the last time we see them. The 2nd visit was much more lighthearted for me and it was much easier emotionally. It felt more like just a happy visit with friends and their new baby. Since the first visit, I have felt happy, peaceful, and far, far less emotional. 

People have asked me if I feel sad not to have the baby with me or if I get a sense that Paris is my baby when I look at pictures and videos. I don't feel any of this and I never have. My emotions have never been sadness at not having Paris with me anymore. I am super happy to watch from a distance as Josh and Janelle get to take care of her, get up at night, change all the diapers, etc. I think the emotions just were more of just a physical reaction to being pregnant and then not all the sudden with no real chance in between to process and say goodbye to Paris.

Emotionally, I feel like I am doing very well now. I do feel this sense of being changed through this process that I am pretty sure I won't have any capacity to put into words. At it's simplest form, I feel in awe of the many miracles that occurred and being privileged enough to be in the middle of it. I am certain I had no idea when I started this process how deeply spiritual it would be. I think going in, I thought this would be a little blip on my life journey, but I now see that in addition to my children's adoptions, it will forever be one of the biggest ways I have seen the hand of God in my life.

2nd visit with Paris post birth.