2 Years

The anticipation of hard anniversaries is sometimes just as difficult as the day of. That has been the case this week for me. I also know that technically, Linda passed away on June 22, but it is the 21st that is the hardest day for me because that's when it all happened-- the phone call, the frantic drive to the hospital, the hours-long wait for her life-flight to come in-- all the trauma centers around the 21st in my mind. That's hard because really, we should be celebrating the 21st because it is sweet Charlie's birthday. The two are difficult to separate for me, though.

Anyway, the day today has been hard, but I was determined that we should do something to remember Linda. I talk to my kids about her (and Chris, and the others who are gone) often in hopes that they will know them, somehow. Hallie, though she was only 2 1/2 at the time of Linda's death, remembers having Jack sleep over here shortly after and talks about how he was crying for his mama. Yeah, that's not exactly the memory I want to stick with her, but it's reality. Sad. Hallie at least knows Linda and has pictures with her, but the other kids don't have that luxury. I wish Linda were here to have met Flor. I can honestly say that she was probably the most excited of anyone that we told about adopting her. She was genuinely thrilled and made me feel that she wasn't anything less than 100% supportive. Somehow, though, I still think that she and Flor are aware of each other.

There was a birthday party for Charlie today in Idaho, but since we weren't there, we decided to do something here to remember Linda. We bought balloons and I had the kids draw something for Linda and then I wrote a message from each of them. I also wrote a message to her, which was rather therapeutic in a Gestalt/Empty Chair kind of way. I filled up two balloons full of writing to her. We then went outside and set them free. Hallie was very curious about this experience and kept asking how I knew that they would make it to her. She made sure that we put her name on each balloon so that they made it. She also said that she was concerned that Heavenly Father or Jesus would get the balloons first and pop them before giving them to Linda. Where she comes up with this stuff, I have no idea. She has quite an inquisitive mind, though.

After we launched the balloons (tearfully, might I add. For me and for Jace specifically. Me because well, that's obvious, and Jace because just as soon as he had released it, he determined that he did not in fact want to release his balloon and he wanted it back), we came inside and watched Linda's video. We have quite the collection of videos of our dearly departed loved ones, but I am so glad that we have something that we can watch and remember them. I cried a lot and I laughed a lot, because well, Linda was unintentionally hilarious. There are video clips throughout of her, which is so great to be able to hear her voice and to see her expressions. I also love that my kids will be able to "know" her through the video.

Ahhh...life. So hard sometimes. Here are some pictures of our balloon launch, minus my balloons because, well, no one wants to read all that.

From Hallie. She dictated the message and I wrote it, word for word for her. 

Her side. Linda, Pink, a heart, and her name, since I know that 4 year old writing is hard to decipher. Why pink you ask? Because she recently learned to write it and now she writes it all over everything, all the time.

Also written word-for-word from Jace. I guess he thinks it is important for her to know that he likes motorcycles. 

From Flor (with a little help from mom)

Ready to let them go (Dev was at work for this whole process, just in case you wonder)

There they go

And...the video watching. On our old boxy TV. I know you are jealous. :)

Time has healed some of the hurt, but in some ways, things are still just as deep and raw. We love you and miss you more than words can say, Linda. Love, Kim, Kim, Kimmie. (Brad still calls me that by the way, but  it just isn't the same!) (It's from "My Best Friend's Wedding, for those of you who are confused. It is when Julia Roberts goes into a bathroom to look for Cameron Diaz's character and she calls, "Kim, Kim" over and over and a homeless lady echoes her, "Kim, Kimmie, Kim, Kimmie". Brad and Linda have done this to me for years. Probably since I was 12 or so when they were dating and I was wreaking havoc at Linda's house for a week each summer with my partners in crime, Cortney, Che', and Jennifer. Good times. I should write a whole post about those memories. Some day.)