A post that I wrote for some friends of mine who are adopting appeared on their blog today during a week-long adoption "media blitz" that they are doing in order to promote finding their next baby and educate the world about adoption. Since I plan to some day (ha!) print my blogs into books, I thought I would add the post here as well. I gave a little intro on their blog of who I am and that my background is that I have worked in adoption for 5 years plus adopted Flor, but I am taking that paragraph out because I assume you all know that already.
Q: What is the number
one thing you wish people understood about birth parents?
A: I really love this question because I
think that often people think of birth parents and birth families in just a
little bit of a negative light, whether it is thinking that they are drug
addicts, crazy, or something of the sort; or thinking that they are going to be
threatening to the adoptive couple’s relationship with the child in this day
and age of openness. The reality is that birth families are typically very normal people-Birth moms could be your
next door neighbor, your friend at work, your little sister…anyone. In my
experience, birth parents are just normal people who face a difficult situation
with their pregnancy. Each has different circumstances, but the one common
thread is that they always want
their child, yet they are able to put their own wants and needs aside for what
they feel is a better choice for their child. I have never met a birth parent
who didn’t have a deep and burning love for their child nor have I met one who
didn’t want their baby. So, the one thing I wish people understood is that
birth parents are people like me and you
and that they are among the most selfless individuals out there (okay, that was
two things—you’ll forgive me right?)
Q: What is the
adoption process (for birth parents and adoptive couples?)
A: Adoptive
couples follow a more typical pattern, so let’s talk about them first. Adoptive
couples typically attend an orientation meeting; have a set of 4-5 interviews
(some together as a couple and some as individuals); complete massive amounts of paperwork, both online and in a paper file; have a
home visit; and complete 10 hours of training (this may vary by state, but 10
hours is required by the state of Utah) before being approved for adoption.
Once approved, couples are encouraged to network and find opportunities for
adoption so that their odds of having a placement are increased. At the same
time, their profile can be shown by the agency or potential birth parents can
search for profiles online. Once a birth mom contacts them, they typically
email for a time to get to know one another and then set up a time to meet,
either with their caseworker present or not.
The time frame on this completely varies. Some birth moms choose a
couple early in their pregnancy, and other times the couple may not know they
have a baby coming until the baby has been born and the birth mom contacts them
from the hospital. After the placement happens, the baby is in the couple’s
physical custody for 6 months before they can go to court to finalize their
adoption (this also varies by state, but in Utah, couples can finalize at 6
months).
The process birth parents go through is a bit different
depending on the individual. Like I mentioned, some birth mothers know that
they are going to place their child for adoption early on and meet with a
caseworker and attend group meetings with other birth parents for most of their
pregnancy. Sometimes we meet with girls
who are uncertain which decision will be best for them, whether it is to
parent, to place, or to marry the birth father.
In these cases, it is the caseworker’s job to remain neutral and help
them look at each option in depth, discuss decision making, and then to support them in what they decide.
Other times, expectant parents go throughout their pregnancy planning on
parenting and then something changes and their first contact with the agency is
shortly before or sometimes right after their baby has been born. Once an
expectant parent chooses adoption, the process is that they look at couples,
correspond with a number of them usually, and then meet one or two couples in
what is called a “face to face” meeting. After the couple has been chosen, the
two parties usually keep up a positive relationship through emails, texts,
visits, etc. without the help of the agency.
The birth parent’s work with their caseworker then focuses on planning
for the hospital plus talking about grief and preparing (as much as possible)
for the loss they will experience after the placement. After the placement,
birth parents are encouraged to continue to seek counseling and help from their
caseworker as they go through the grief and loss process.
Q: How long does it
take to adopt?
A: These next few answers should be more concise. J It can take anywhere
from 1 day to 10+ years to adopt. It is completely dependent on when the couple
is chosen and since birth parents choose couples themselves, there is no
specific time frame.
Q: How much does it
cost to adopt?
A: This also
completely depends on what type of adoption and which agency you use. Domestic
infant adoption can range from $4000-$60,000 , again depending on which agency
the couple uses. Typically the agencies that charge more have more babies being
placed, so there is a pro there, while the cheaper agencies typically have
longer waiting times. So it is up to each couple to decide what works best for
them. International adoption can also have a wide range, anywhere from $20,000
to $80,000 I’d say, depending in the type of child being adopted (special
needs, older, siblings groups, etc. would likely be cheaper) and which country.
Q: Can the birth
parents change their minds?
A: Each state
varies in what their laws say regarding this matter, so I will talk
specifically about Utah again here. In Utah, a birth parent can change his or
her mind at any time until they sign
the relinquishment documents (the soonest a birth mother can sign in Utah is 24
hours and 1 minute after birth. A birth father can sign at any time during the
pregnancy or after the birth). At that
point, the documents make clear that he/she cannot change their mind once they
have signed. Some states do allow a period of time after the documents are
signed where a birth parent can change their mind, but Utah does not. I know
that we often hear much more negative than we do positive in the news or by
word of mouth, but the reality of my experience in the past 5 years is that I
have only had one birth mother change her mind once she had committed to
adoption. Just one. That’s not a lot
compared the number of placements that have gone through. I always tell the
birth parents with whom I work that they will need to re-make their decision
when they are holding their baby in the hospital, but my experience has been
that they still follow through with their choice that they have thought about,
prayed about, and agonized over for months. Because they are usually so strong
and love their babies so much, almost all follow through with their plan to
place.
Q: In open adoptions, is there a legal obligation to stay in contact with
the birth parents?
A: In Utah, there is no legal contract that obligates adoptive
parents to follow through with commitments made to birth parents. However, my
experience has been that adoptive couples develop such a love and friendship
with their child’s birth parents that they want
to keep in touch. It isn’t something they feel is a burden or difficult to
do, but something that is an honor.
Adoptive couples really are usually so fantastic to do what they say
they are going to do and more.
Q: How common is open adoption nowadays? From your experience, is
open adoption a good idea?
A: Almost ALL adoptions nowadays
have a degree of openness. Openness is a wide range of things, from sending a
picture once a year, to having frequent visits with the birth parents. To the
second part of the question, my answer is yes,
yes, yes! I have seen nothing but beauty in open adoptions. Is it sometimes
awkward in the beginning? Yep! How many adoptive couple/birth parent
relationships do we have examples of to show us how it is supposed to be done?
Not a lot, right? It’s not like we can look around and say, “That’s what a
mother/daughter relationship is” or “That’s what a friendship looks like”. It
is just a different type of relationship that can take some time before it
feels comfortable. As the relationship evolves, though, it often becomes
something beautiful. I think there are benefits for all three parties. For the
adoptive couple, they get to know the biological history, habits, hobbies,
medical history, background etc. of their child’s birth parents, which can be
important for the child later on. They also get to keep in touch with someone
who they come to love and care for deeply. Adoptive couples often want to make
sure that the birth parents are okay and openness is a perfect way to do this.
For the birth mother, openness can bring such healing and peace. It can affirm
a difficult decision and help her know that she did the right thing and that
her child is doing well. For the adopted child, openness can eliminate the
“whys?” of the situation and can give them their biological history (which is
so important!). Instead of wondering why they were “given up” or thinking they
were not wanted, adopted kids can grow up with the confidence of knowing that
their birth parents love them and sacrificed everything for them. For all
parties, there is nothing wrong with having additional people to love and care
for one another.
In my personal adoption experience, we do
not have an open adoption with our daughter’s birth parents because she was
abandoned in the hospital at the time of her birth and we have limited
information about them. Honestly though, I have such a reverence and respect
for the people who gave my daughter life and who chose to give her something
more. Leaving her in the hospital may not seem like giving her more, but
knowing a little of the conditions in which they lived, I think they knew that
their daughter would have had little chance of survival if they took her with
them. Our daughter was born with special needs and I often think how difficult
the decision must have been for them to consider. I would love nothing more
than to send pictures and updates to our daughter’s birth family to show them
what a beautiful girl she is and how she is thriving. I think of them often and really do ache for
them. I would like to know how they are doing and to assure them that their
daughter is alive and well. I am sure they think of her often and agonize over
the choice they made. I honor them and love them, despite not knowing them. If
not in this life, I really hope to have the opportunity in the next to tell
them of my gratitude and love.
Q: What is the number one thing you wish everyone understood about
adoption?
A: I promised not to be long winded
and then there I went again... Okay, so short and sweet on this one: I wish for
people to understand that adoption is not a second rate way to build a
family. It is just a different way, but
no better and no worse than any other way. There are often some difficult
situations that bring couples to adoption, but in the end, the addition of a
child is beautiful and sacred process, no matter how they come. I have two
biological children along with the daughter we adopted, but there is no
distinction in our house. They are all our children and there is no doubt that
they are each meant for our family, though they came in different ways. I hope
that everyone, at some point in their lives, gets a glimpse of how incredibly
sacred adoption is, because it is.
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