National Adoption Month

Did you know that November is National Adoption Month? Well, it is! While the idea behind the month is to promote the adoption of children in Foster Care who are awaiting families, in addition it is a great reason to celebrate adoption and educate others about it.

Surprise, surprise, I have a lot of thoughts about adoption.  My thoughts are sort of coming from two angles-- first, from my experience as a caseworker dealing with domestic adoption (I feel like I know a lot more about this area) and second, from my experience thus far as an adoptive parent in an international adoption. Same label (adoption) --two completely different worlds! Here are a few things I wish people knew. These are my thoughts and my thoughts alone. Each person's adoption path is so individually unique, it is hard to generalize anything.


Domestic Adoption: 
One major difference between domestic adoption and a lot of international adoptions (ours included) is that in a domestic adoption where an infant is placed at birth, it is most often because the birth mother of the child has chosen an adoption plan for her child. Every birth mother that I have ever worked with loves her child immensely and choosing to place is never a matter of not wanting her child. In fact, the exact opposite is true. Every birth mom that I have worked with has wanted her child. But, she has been able to put her own needs aside and see that for whatever reason, adoption is a better choice for her child. I never want to be in position where I choose something for an expectant parent looking at her options and I am supportive of those who choose to parent as well. However, birth parents are at the top of the list of people I respect. I know quite a few-- and they are universally some of the most unselfish, brave, courageous, and loving people I have ever met.

This leads me into my next thought- open adoption. Again, this is generally reserved for domestic adoption. I am so entrenched in the adoption world that openness is completely natural and normal to me, but I know for those who know little about what adoption is like today, openness can be a scary concept. Openness is a really wide range of things that can mean that a birth parent just gets updates via email or letters a few times a year, or it could be that the birth mother is actively involved in the child's life. and has regular visits with the adoptive family. Each birth parent and adoptive couple has to decide what works for them and of course boundaries always have to be in place, but I wholeheartedly support open adoption. I have seen so many wonderful open adoptions. There are a lot of reasons why openness is healthy, but I could go on for ages on that topic, so we will leave it for a another day. The birth parent/adoptive parent relationship is such a unique one, but I have seen so many wonderful friendships that have been formed. Often there is just a feeling that the birth parents are an extension of the family, and that is so great. Of course openness is not always rosy, but I have heard even those who have more difficult open adoptions say that they would go back and do it all the same again because they feel the benefits outweigh the difficulties.

I honestly wish that we could have some sort of relationship with MF's birth mother. I have thought A LOT about her over the years. I thought that there was no information about where MF came from, but lo and behold, as we began the adoption process, we got a complete social history on MF's birth mother. Things operate a little differently in Ecuador and let's just say a sneaky social worker worked over time to acquire the information. Maybe some day I will share some of it, but learning of this information just opened that idea in my mind again. Who is she? What is she like? What caused her to leave her child in the hospital? What were the circumstances? What was going on in her mind? I can kind of piece things together with the information I have, but still, I would love to have the opportunity to meet her and to get to know her. Even more so, I want her to be able to see her daughter progress and grow! I am sure she thinks about her sometimes and wonders how she is doing. She probably has no idea that she is about to be adopted into a family in the United States. 

Finally, a little bit of positive adoption language. When I first started my job, I had only ever heard the term, "gave the child up for adoption." Have you ever heard this term? Yeah, all of us have. It is so prevalent to talk about adoption in this way. I quickly learned the positive language phrase of "placing/placed a child for adoption." See the difference? I cringe whenever I hear someone say that someone "gave a child up for adoption." "Placing/placed" is more positive. It paints the picture in my mind of someone making a conscious choice and has a loving connotation. Giving up the baby reminds me of someone giving away something they no longer want. So for the few of you who read my blog, if you ever do me one favor in life, let it be this- use the phrase "placed the child for adoption" versus the other. :) Gracias!


International Adoption:
Speaking in terms of my own experience now, let me answer some FAQ's that I get since I don't really have any "education" to offer. The uneducated cannot educate, let's just put it that way! But, we are learning as we go and the rest of the blog probably demonstrates the little that we are learning through the process.

1) Why are you adopting? Well, there are a lot of reasons, really, but the short answer is that we feel that we have been led to this path. We have spent a lot of time praying, fasting, and attending the Temple to know of God's will for our family and for MF. It has been made clear to us again and again that we are on the right path. Devin's feelings are obviously different than mine, but I have felt since my time in Ecuador that MF was my child. As the time came closer to seriously look into the process, we began to seek an answer as to whether we should pursue her adoption. The answer never came with a lightening bolt "YES" (as I might have hoped for!), but we have received confirmations of our choice repeatedly.

2) Is your husband on board/how does your husband feel about it? Like I said, the process to where we are has been different for Devin and I. I knew that I wanted to adopt MF when we got married, so he was aware that he was getting a "package deal" of sorts. I wish Devin would write a post telling you his own version of things, but I know he never will (just not in his personality, dang it!) and he probably honestly won't tell you a lot in person if you asked, either. He may not be the most outspoken person, but he does have strong convictions. When he feels something is right, he is willing to sacrifice everything to achieve it. I will tell you one little thing that will hopefully answer this question. We knew we needed to wait until we were 25 to start the adoption process as per Ecuador's guidelines. As the fall of 2010, approached (when we would both reach this magical age), I said very little to Devin about MF's adoption. I didn't want him to feel pressured. I wanted it to be his choice as well as mine (he obviously knew my feelings on the matter...). On the day of my birthday, Devin gave me his gifts, and then at the end said he had one more thing for me. He pulled up a page on the computer and proceeded to show me a special savings account that he had gone to the bank and opened for us. It was titled the "MF fund". He had saved money without my knowing and had deposited $300 into the account. Devin was ultimately the one who initiated this process. He has been "on board" the whole time and is so supportive. He is excited and I know that MF deserves and needs a father like him.

3) Do MF's special needs scare you? I would be lying if I said that her needs don't scare me. Quite honestly, I am not even sure what her care is going to entail. Our reports on her are few and far between, so I don't even know what her day to day life is like. I do know that we will do everything in our power to get her the best care possible and to help her progress and meet her fullest potential. When people ask me this question, I usually tell them that I am terrified, but that at the same time, I know that MF is my child. If I had a child born to me biologically who had cerebral palsy, what would I do? I would love her the same. I would bend over backwards to provide the care she needs. Is the answer any different for my adopted child? Not in the least.

Aaaaaand, Something that Applies to Both Domestic and International Adoption: 
Some phrases that I hear that probably bother me more than anything else related to adoption:  "As soon as you adopt, you'll probably get pregnant and have one of your own!" (Obviously not said to me, but to many, many infertile couples looking to adopt.)
"Aren't you worried about your own kids and how they are going to react to having another child brought in?" (I have been asked this.)

Do you see the common denominator?

While I realize that those who say this mean no harm, hearing things like these hurts my little heart. Why? Adopted children ARE our own. While we may not have gone through 9 months of pregnancy, hours of labor, and an intense delivery to get them here, what we actually have gone through is often much, much more invasive, trying, and difficult. There is a term in the adoption world called "being paper pregnant" for those families going through the adoption process. Having been pregnant and delivered children twice, I can say that in my own situation, being "paper pregnant" has been much more difficult (I also admit that I have not had terribly difficult pregnancies, but I also would not call them easy.)

If we did not feel that MF was our "own", we would have thrown in the towel in this crazy process a long, LONG time ago! I know with every fiber of my being, clear to the depths of my soul, that MF is my own child, just as much as Hallie and Jace are. If you haven't read my post about motherhood that I wrote shortly after Hallie was born, I articulated my thoughts about this better there than I am doing here. In short, I expected to feel something different when Hallie was born, but I did not. I recognized that the feelings I felt for her were the same as I had experienced for MF during my time in Ecuador.

Further, I know that adopted children are no different than biological children in the kingdom of God. Once sealed to us in the Temple, MF will be entitled to all the blessings and privileges that Hallie and Jace are as children Born in the Covenant. She will be ours for the eternities. I always tell the adoptive couples that I am working with that though the road leading them to adoption has not usually been an easy one, one thing that is a huge blessing for them in the situation is that they get to go to the House of the Lord, with their children, to be sealed. Not many people get this opportunity. And let me tell you, it is amazing. I have been able to witness a number of my adoptive couples as they were sealed to their children, and those have been some of the most sacred experiences of my life. The Spirit is so strong, testifying that these children are with their families. Their path to their family may have been a little different, yet it is always so abundantly clear that they are in the right place. Words can't describe the feeling. One of my co-workers recently said that she has had more sacred experiences in our job than any other time in her life. I have thought about that a lot, and I definitely agree. What could be more sacred than forming families? I really, really anticipate the day when we can have MF sealed to us for time and all eternity.

I am not trying to make anyone feel bad as I recognize this adoption world is uncharted territory for a lot of people. Can I suggest that you be conscious of your wording, though, and use positive adoption language terms, which include "biological children" and "adoptive children" if you need to distinguish between the two. However, usually just calling them all "your children" works great!

Well, how's that for some rambling on and on about adoption? This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I hope you all don't mind my talking about it every once in a while (or all the time...)

Happy National Adoption Month!

PS. Good news! The re-introduction of MF's name and pictures on the blog will be coming soon. We have the green light to share this information now that she is officially assigned to us. Yippee. Now people can learn her actual name. (I wrote this whole post over the course of a few days before I got the permission and I am too lazy to go back and change it all now.)