When we left off, I was still waiting on a match from the fertility clinic but had had multiple confirmations that I was on the right path.
In August or September, I received a text message from a couple stating that they had been given my information by the fertility clinic and they wondered if we could talk on the phone. I was so nervous for the phone call, but it went great and we decided to meet up for dinner. Devin and I met this couple, who is fairly local to us, in Salt Lake for dinner a week or so later. I felt like we hit it off right away and had a solid connection. The only thing that I was somewhat hesitant about with this couple was that when I brought up what our relationship would look like after having the baby if I carried for them, they were taken back by the idea that I would want to continue to have a relationship with them. It was totally foreign to me to think that I would carry a child around for 9 months and then never know what happened to him/her. I wasn't seeking a best friend type relationship in any way, just a casual, keep-in-touch via social media and texts every so often type of relationship. I really felt it would be too hard on me to never know what became of the child after. They told me they would go home and discuss it further because they could see my perspective. Besides this point, it seemed like everything else was a great match with this couple.
After our meeting, we talked on the phone again a week or so later and they told me they were ready to move forward! I prayed a lot during this time to make sure that it was the right match for me and I felt super, super good about it. We started forward with initial medical work ups, blood work, and psychological appointments. Both Devin and I had to be seen together by a psychologist to deem us mentally stable for the process and then I had to take a personality test that was brutal. It was so hard to not feel like I was going to come out as a serial killer by the end of the test because I had no idea what they were even going for with some of the questions. Anyway, I must have passed because we moved on to the next steps.
After this period, which was probably October 2018, I all the sudden stopped hearing from both the clinic and the couple. I was so confused and a little frustrated by the lack of response. I understand now that the couple was probably having a hard time and making decisions on their own and the clinic didn't want to tell me anything because they probably didn't know much either. Finally, in January 2019, I received a call from the intended mom, who told me that after a lot of fasting and prayer, they had decided to go another route to build their family. I was really surprised by this because I had felt not only good about moving forward with them, but that it was right. But it obviously has to be right for both parties. The intended mom told me that they had concerns about the fact that I had had cholestasis in my pregnancy with Lizzie and they didn't want to risk having a baby early for personal reasons to them. I understood their reasons, but also felt a little off kilter that it had taken so many months for them to come to that conclusion and it was something that was disclosed to them about my medical history right from the beginning. I felt a little dragged along when maybe they weren't sure of their decision to use me a a carrier from the beginning. I also just felt a of confusion about the fact that I felt so good about it. Why would I feel it was right when it obviously wasn't for them? Was my inspiration that far off?
After this, I decided that I needed to just take this experience as a learning opportunity and I truly felt like I would not move forward with being a carrier for anyone else. I had felt that strongly about this couple and that it was right that I could not imagine feeling the same way about someone else. I figured that I just needed to learn something from this whole thing and I would need to take some time to figure out what that was because it certainly wasn't making sense right away.
A short time later, I had another prompting that I needed to share my story to that point on social media. I thought it was a little weird and worried that people would think I was looking for attention or something, especially because I had not yet figured out what it was I was supposed to make of the situation. Nevertheless, the feeling persisted, so on January 19, 2019, I posted the following on Instagram and Facebook:
I'm going to share something vulnerable with you, just because I feel like I should. Why? I don't know. Maybe someone can benefit from hearing it. Or it can help me, somehow.
Around 9 months ago, I had a prompting that I should look into becoming a gestational carrier (the term for when someone carries someone else's child. Different from surrogacy in that the child carried is completely biologically related to the intended parents). This was completely out of the blue and not something I had ever thought about or considered before. But the prompting came, and it was strong. I started with research and then I took a step and went and met with a fertility clinic. The process continued smoothly and over the next few months, I had two more really incredible experiences that told me that I was on the right path. I didn't at first know why I was pursuing this path, but I just felt that it was something I was supposed to do. Over time, I received some personal insights into this in some really beautiful experiences I won't share here, but taught me a little bit of the "why" of the situation.
I was matched with a beautiful couple around August or September. I immediately felt good about them and that they were the "right" match. I went through psychological testing (so did Devin), a water ultrasound, blood tests, physicals- you name it- and everything was right on track. Then all the sudden, time passed with very little communication from the couple I was matched with. Just last week, they called to let me know that they are not going to move forward anymore. As much as I support them and their need to do what is right for them, it was still very sad and shocking for me.
The fertility clinic called after I talked to the couple to let me know they have other families that I could potentially match with, but after a lot of prayer and temple attendance, it does not feel right anymore. I am left struggling to make sense of the situation because the clear direction I received was to GO before. Now, suddenly things have changed. I can't deny the experiences I had. However, it doesn't look like moving forward as a gestational carrier is in my future and I wonder what it is I am supposed to learn from the situation. I have had some really good discussions with Devin that have helped on the road to making sense and healing from this, but I still feel oddly sad and confused by the experience. I would love to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience in life if you are willing to share (and personal message or talking in person works great!)
Also, please don't feel offended if you didn't know about this. There are many people who I am very close to in my life who didn't know about this. In fact, I can count on one hand the people who DID know (which is big for me, I am usually a huge blabber mouth as you all know)
We will leave it at that for today! To be continued, as obviously the journey continued!
