Ecuador Day 5: Mishell's Birthday and Going Away Party

Holy Moly. I don't even know where to start with today. It has been wonderful, blissful, happy, and yet also a day of deep sadness that I can't even put into words. I think all emotions have come to a head today (at least for me). Adoption is so beautiful and yet so hauntingly sad at times, especially this type of adoption where we have a child who knows and understands that life as she knows it is gone. I guess I should start with how the day went and then describe more of the emotions involved. See if you can hang on that long, I guess. This could get long.

This morning, we were picked up by Josue at the same ripe hour of 8 am and made it to SVP just before 9. Mishell was eager to see us. It is her 11th birthday today and she was excited for the festivities to come that afternoon. I helped her finish getting ready for the day and then we waited outside for Cecilia to arrive. It was her day to follow us around in order for her to be able to write her report on bonding. Remember she is the MIES lady (the govt agency that oversees adoptions). Devin and I were wondering why she and Hector couldn't have followed us around on the same day- killed two birds with one stone and they could have entertained each other a bit. Anyway, we aren't in charge, so we just do what we are told. We went with Cecilia and Josue (who sat in the car all day this time- I am sure he was tired after all his time with Hector yesterday) to Carolina Park, a huge park in the middle of town. The goal was to go to an amphibian house, which we did, but it was so tiny it lasted approximately 20 minutes. We saw plenty of snakes, frogs, and iguanas in that time to be sufficiently grossed out, though.

 After that, we went to a park area to play for a bit while Cecilia ran around trying to find us some bikes to rent. She was gone a loooong time. Anyway, we got tired and sat in some shade. Mishell looked a bit down, so I asked her what she was feeling. She avoided the question for a bit and then just said simply, "I don't like my birthday." I tried to get more out of her, but she didn't want to say more. I can only guess what she means by this, but I wonder if it has something to do with reminding her of her birth mother and the losses she experienced shortly after birth 11 years ago. I have no idea why I have become so emotional through this process, but just looking into her eyes and sensing what is deep in there and what she is thinking and feeling, it just gets to me. Cue the tears. Again. I swear, I have never been this emotional in my life. I sent the kids off because I don't want to have to explain to her why I am crying. That was only the first of many times I pushed the tears below the surface today just watching her.

Finally Cecilia came back and led us to a hole in the wall bike rental place. Hallie, Mishell, and I rented bikes and Devin took Flor and Jace for ice cream (no bikes small enough for Jace and nothing for Flor of course). The girls and I rode for a half an hour.I tried a bike course and thought it was great, but the girls did not, so we rode on a trail instead. Mishell is quite good at the bike- she does know how to ride, though I am not sure how-but she does not know how to brake. We will have to work on that. First, to get her a bike. :) That will be on the list for when we get home.

After the bike ride, it was time for lunch. We ate at a little cafe in the park with authentic Ecuaodorian food. Devin's beef something or other was delicious, but my chicken was bleeding, so ya know, I may be turned off of chicken for a while. Other than that, the food was good. I chatted with Cecilia quite a bit at lunch. She wanted to know how we do adoptions in the US and how the process is different. I felt a little bit of a breakthrough with her since I have felt like she didn't really like us to this point. Anyway, we had a good conversation.

At this point, it was time to return to SVP and get ready for Mishell's party. She was totally in her element for the party. Sweet little Sor Maria had purchased pizza for the event (who knew?!) so we had another lunch along with the cake, chips, drinks, and candy we brought. Mishell was bouncing off the walls, showing off her new family to all the kids from her house. We had met a few of them here and there, but not all of them together. As soon as the party was over, Cecilia, Hector, and Monica (that's the social worker's name from SVP) came over and told us they thought all was going well enough that they wanted Mishell to come home with us tonight instead of tomorrow. YAY HURRAY!!!! Can I get an amen?! Just what we wanted. I have never seen a more excited little girl. Mishell was elated. She was hugging everyone and just super energized. I got a few pictures with some of her house mates and she gathered her few things (the outfit we brought her yesterday, a few other items of clothing, the photo album we sent, and a toy that we later realized we bought because they requested we send money for something for her :)) It all fit into half a backpack. Then we were off.

Partway through the drive, I sensed a shift in Mishell's mood. No longer was she excited or bouncing off the walls, but she was sullen and sad. I didn't even know what to say or do to cheer her up. And I guess there really isn't anything I should say or do to cheer her up. She needs to feel sadness. She needs to feel whatever she needs to feel, but it is so heartbreaking for me to watch.

We got home and had all the kids get in the shower. I am shocked at how long Mishell's hair is. It has been in the same french braid all week. Oh my gosh, it is long. And huge. I am so over my head. I used coconut oil on her skin and in her hair and put it into a bun, which is how it might stay this entire trip. Anyway, we then had dinner of popcorn and yogurt, which we assured her isn't normal, but since we had two lunches, it works, right? During dinner, we let her open her presents we'd gotten her for her birthday. She was happy and grateful, but I could just see that underlying sadness there still. While she got in her pajamas, I asked her how she is feeling. She first said she was fine, then said that she was sad about the kids at SVP. I asked if she missed them and she said no, then asked if she was thinking she wanted them to have families, and she said yes. I told her again that it was okay to be sad and that she can talk to me about how she is feeling if she wants. She didn't want to talk anymore after that.

That sadness in her eyes is just undoing me. I have spent the whole night crying on and off for her. Seriously, I don't think I have ever been so emotional in my life. I don't know completely what she is thinking and feeling, but I can tell that tonight she is hurting. I had the deepest sense that I just wanted to take away her pain and hurt. I know life doesn't work that way, but oh, I wish I could. I wish that we could just fast forward to whenever she feels safe and secure in our home and in our family. I understand now why God spoke to us in such a way that made it clear that Mishell is ours. All the fighting was worth it. I don't know what the next weeks will bring, but I am sure there will be more battles. But for this child, I will do it. For this child, it is all worth it. For this child, I sense what our Heavenly Father feels for her. He feels so strongly for her that He practically had to yell at me to do something about her life and her circumstances. Though she is in a lot of pain and sadness now, she has purpose in our family. I don't know what her life will bring from here, but whatever it is, it's enough.

This adoption process has been so different than our experience with Flor. I expected to have a deep and immediate bond with Flor, because I'd had that 6 years before she came into our family when she was a baby. But, it didn't happen, I beat myself up for not feeling what I thought I should feel for her right away. With caring for her and a lot of time, it came. However, Flor adjusted to us rather smoothly, I think. She didn't have the same thoughts or feelings as Mishell in leaving her friends behind. I think because I feel such empathy for Mishell's situation, it is producing a secure bond with her much more quickly than I anticipated based on my experience with Flor. And maybe it had to be this way. I KNEW Flor was my child as a 19 year old OSSO volunteer. I did not have that experience with Mishell back then. Because there were so many struggles with Flor in the beginning, it would have been easier to give up had I not KNOWN that she was mine. With Mishell, because I am trying to understand her thoughts, feelings, and experiences, it is helping confirm for me that she IS my child, too. Heavenly Father told me that over a year ago and it took a leap of faith to continue to this point. I am sure there will be many more leaps of faith, but right now, I need to remember how this experience has been to help get us through the more difficult times.

My sister called (there's an awesome app called WhatsAPP- free and you can call! Family, if you want to call us!) and while we were talking, she asked if we thought Mishell is attaching to us. I definitely think she is attaching to us. I sense no problems in that area so far. She is very affectionate still with us and wants us to be nearby. She calls us mom and dad and already she is just like another one of our kids. We have imposed limits on her (no more candy, bed time, no you can't have that at the store, etc.) and we have not had push back yet. Things can definitely change, but so far, I think signs point to good attachment between us and her.

Okay, enough of the emotions, already, eh?? I know you are all going to hate me by the time this is all over!! Devin and the blog are going to hear how I feel all the time, so just get used to it. :)

How about some pictures to lighten us up?

Snakes, frogs, and iguanas! Happy birthday Mishell!

I just love my cute husband. I got after him today to put his contacts in before we left and he said he wanted to wear his glasses. It only took a while before I realized that he wanted to wear them for Mishell since she doesn't like to wear hers. Yeah, so then I asked him and he said he wanted her to feel better about wearing hers if he wears his too. Isn't he the sweetest?

Some rickety bikes out for a ride. I took this picture while riding, so you know, not perfect, but it will do!

Me and two of my girls!

Getting ready to party!! Happy 11th sweet girl.

We got that little place all festive, including with Sor Maria's balloons and pizza. She is the cutest.

In her element. See Jace back there? He parked it at the table with all the little kids while the rest of us were at the big table. He is a good boy and he likes to make friends, no matter if there is a language barrier or not!

Monica, Mishell, and Sor Maria. 

Little Antony, Anita (16 year old friend- I told the story about her the other day- heartbreaking), and Mishell

Ah, got Hector the psychologist and Mishell

Mishell with some of the kids from her casa. There are 9 in her casa total. These ones then Anita, Naomi, Genesis, and a little 2 year old Estefania are missing. Anita is 16 as we said, Naomi 8, and Genesis is 5. So Anita and Mishell are by far the oldest in that house. 

Hallie's face when we told her Mishell was coming home with us today!

Opening presents

Until tomorrow. I'll try hard not to be so emotional.