A Little Homework

I am taking a class called "Growing from Trauma Life Experiences" this semester and I am loving it. It is online, it is super relevant, and it is not too hard, so what's not to like?! We had to do this assignment a few weeks ago and I just got my grade back, so I was re-reading over it. I thought it was worthwhile to post it on the blog since down the road, this may be a venue where my kids can get to know me in a different way. I hope they know I love them, even though I talk about how hard parenting is multiple times! Ha! Reality, right? 

You wanna do it too? Post it on your blog! I bet your family down the road will love it. 

“My Questions about my Self-Esteem”

• What do I like or value about myself? I like that I am a person who values connections with other people. I like that I am easy to get along with and that I can generally see the good in others. I like that I am not judgmental and that I am slow to label or otherwise make someone feel like they are less than me. I like that I can generally see two sides of most issues and that I don’t see the world as black and white.
• What do I do to take care of my physical self (my body)? This is an area where I could definitely be doing more. I eat relatively healthy, though I try to embrace a motto of balance in my life. So while meals are generally prepared with fresh foods, fruits, and vegetables, I am also not opposed to having dessert and treats every so often.  I take care of my physical self by paying attention to self-care and not allowing myself to push my body too hard. I enjoy relaxing in the bathtub and reading a good book and getting enough sleep is always a priority for me.
• What do I do to take care of myself emotionally? I tend to put others emotional needs before my own. However, I do talk with my husband and others quite frequently about what is going on in my life and what I am thinking and feeling. I have always been good about sharing how I feel and not masking what is really going on with me. Talking authentically about my life experiences is one major way that I take care of myself emotionally.
• What do I do to reward myself, and how and when do I do it? Well this is going to seem silly, but I often reward myself with diet coke or other drinks that I like. I also reward myself by allowing myself to take social media breaks in the middle of studying, to take baths when I need to relax, or to read for pleasure occasionally instead of just reading text books.
• When and how do I devalue myself or cut myself down? The biggest area in which I do this is probably in the area of physical looks. I have always been critical of my appearance, though that has improved drastically in recent years. I do make comments quite often to my husband about how bad I must look. I am trying to be more conscious of this, especially in regards to body image, as I have daughters and I don’t want them to learn that their value comes from how their body looks. I also devalue my own skills and abilities sometimes, especially in regards to my current practicum experience. I sometimes feel there that I don’t know enough or that I am not doing enough to show that I am a competent and contributing therapist.
• What are my hopes and dreams? I want to raise strong and confident children and to continue to develop positive relationships with them and with my husband throughout life. I want to give to the world out there. What form that takes, I don’t know. But I have a giving heart and I want to be able to make a difference in both my personal life and my professional life. I would like to adopt another child someday (we adopted one from Ecuador) who has special needs or other needs that prevent him/her from being easily adopted.
• What are my realistic expectations of myself? I think my realistic expectations are that I continue to grow and learn in life and to become a more authentic and genuine version of myself. I also think that it is realistic to expect that I continue to nurture relationships with my family members and others with whom I am close in life. I also think that I should be continually learning and progressing in my professional development and becoming more competent as time goes by in my clinical skills.
• What are my unrealistic expectations for myself? Sometimes I beat myself up for not being the most patient mother or spouse. I think that I need to be better, which translates to being “perfect” and that is never going to happen. I need to let go of the expectations that perfect parenting is going to happen for me, because it is not. I also need to let go of the expectations that I can please everyone and that I can make a difference in the lives of those that I work with. Sometimes that will happen and other times it won’t, and that’s okay.
• In what situations do I have a sense of humor? I think I have a sense of humor in most life situations. How can you get through life without that? I laugh all the time at my practicum, at home with my husband, and in conversations with friends and family. The one area where I tend to lack humor (so far) is parenting. It is stressful and much harder for me to see the lightheartedness in it sometimes. That is kind of sad to admit; since that is probably the one place I should have the greatest sense of humor. It is just hard to laugh when you are cleaning up poop for the 5^th time that day. J
• When and How do I show love and affection? I show love and affection to my husband daily through physical touch, through emotional connection, and by serving him. I show my kids affection daily by telling them that I love them, by playing with them even when I don’t want to, by reading to them, and by hugging and kissing them. I can improve in both areas with showing love and affection because my home growing up was lacking in this area.  My parents did not show physical affection, nor did they verbalize affection very often. So while it has sometimes unnatural and sometimes even awkward to me, I have practiced a lot in the last few years so that it feels more natural. I also show affection to others outside my immediate family, particularly through service.
• Where do I find hope? I find hope in everyday miracles, big and small. The story of the Lost Boys, for example, was so awe inspiring and produced so much hope in me that even in the worst of circumstances, the human spirit can and does triumph. I love watching the inspirational videos of all kinds online because I love to see the hope found in humans all over the world. I find hope in the little acts of kindness around me, the smiles on the faces of people I meet, and in the faces of my kids.
• Under what circumstances am I open and honest about my feelings? Pretty much always. I am not usually one to sugar coat life or the experiences therein. For example, when we adopted our daughter, she was 7 and has severe special needs. I think when people asked me the question, “how is it going?” they expected me to tell them that it was great. I never did that and I still don’t. I tell people how things really are and how they are affecting me, of course on a more surface level with those I am not as close to and on a deeper level with those that I am close to. In being honest with my feelings, I think it opens the door for others to do the same with me and that is a way that we connect as humans- by sharing experiences and feelings.
• Do I help others feel good about themselves, even when I feel bad about myself? I definitely try to do this, however this is an area where I can use some improvement. When I am down and not feeling good, it seems like I am more prone to not wanting others to be happy too. I see the error in my thinking, but it is still hard to celebrate with others and their achievements sometimes when I feel like I am not doing enough or not achieving enough in life.

Curveballs in Life

Sometimes life goes the way we plan it to. Most of the time it doesn't.

We are in a phase of life that I can just describe as sheer craziness. There are a lot of unanswered questions, but we have a new path and one that I feel is right and good for our family. Devin accepted a job this week at a country club up north a bit. This is fantastic news because it is just the type of job that he wants to do, plus it is in Utah still, which means that I can continue to do what I have been building for the last few months- which is the Utah Adoption Specialists business. This new job for Devin seems to be a big blessing and I am trying to view it totally that way, because honestly, we have seen very few jobs posted of this type in Utah and we have been looking for years! So, it feels like a big blessing from Heavenly Father and I am first and foremost acknowledging it as such.

Of course there are always worries with every new step we take in life. This job only offers benefits after 1 year, so that means that Devin will need to keep his current job as well in order to maintain benefits. He only needs to work 24 hours a week there for benefits, so three shifts, but still- 3 shifts on top of an already full-time job is a lot! He has done it before, though not for a year. He will hopefully transfer up to a store closer to where we will be so that he can do away with the commute once we move. Also, his start date is March 17, which is VERY soon. I am committed to my internship down here until the end of April, so we are going to have some overlap there. He will be commuting each day, about an hour each way, and then we will have to get childcare for Hallie and Jace during the day for those 5-6 weeks. I'll just have to be home by the time Flor gets off the bus so that we won't have issues there.

We also are getting ready to list our house and look for a new home up near Devin's new job. We have been running around like crazy people trying to get the house in order to list it. We have been re-doing the basement, including painting it, doing baseboards, and getting new carpet. We also need to replace part of a fence in our backyard and re-paint the kitchen and then we will be ready to list the house. It is nerve-wracking doing that too because we want to get some money out of our house, especially given that we have now completely remodeled the whole thing, but we also want/need to sell it quickly. So finding that balance of the right price is going to be tricky, I think.

I am also sad about leaving where we live. It honestly took me years to adjust to our neighborhood and ward. I didn't feel like I quite fit in for a long time, but now the thought of leaving the comfort here and the good people that we have come to truly know and love is hard. I don't do well with change, so I can imagine that it is going to be emotional for me. I hope that we can find a new great neighborhood and a new great ward. I of course worry about schools for Flor (and for Hals who will be starting kindergarten in the fall!) and making sure that we can meet her complex needs.

The other thing that will be weird- at least for a time- is that I won't be working, other than running my business from home. Do you know how weird this will be? I have had a job (like show up to a location type job) since I was 15 years old. I have never been a full-time, stay-at-home mom and that honestly scares me quite a bit because I know myself well enough to know that I am the best mom I can be when I have a little time outside of the home. So...wish me luck (and the kids!) on that one. Luckily, with my business, I will still get to escape in order to visit couple's homes for interviews. So that's a good thing. I'll just coordinate those around Devin's schedule as much as possible.

I do want to find a part-time job again at some point, primarily because I want to work toward my LCSW. I am studying now for the licensure exam (another thing on the list to do!) to become a CSW- a certified social worker.  I can take that anytime and graduate with the license. However, I then need to work 4000 supervised hours in doing clinical work in order to obtain my L- a licensed clinical social worker. This is a big deal because once you have the L, you can practice completely on your own without supervision.  I need supervision as a CSW in order to get the L, and I really do enjoy clinical work, so I will look into that sometime down the road. Right now it is not that pressing. I enjoy so many things in my field that I imagine I will be happy doing anything as long as it is challenging and something I feel that I can contribute to. I have LOVED my internship in the addiction/substance abuse arena and I really didn't even think I was going to like it. I initially chose it for convenience sake only, but I have learned an immense amount and it is an area where I think I would feel comfortable practicing. However, I enjoy all different populations and types of issues, so like I said...whatever comes my way, I think I can be happy doing it. Down the road though... I have to try not to get to eager about that. haha.

We have some things we are working on with Flor too, but I will write more about that at another time (Like there is ever even a guarantee that I will write on the blog at all. I know it has been so hit and miss these days! But just think about how much I may be blogging once I am home more often...I may annoy you to death.)

Anyway, if the two of you who still read my blog would pray for us during this transition time and especially with the sale of our house and keeping sane during the next crazy few months, that would be ever so lovely!

Snapshots of Life

I feel a terrible sense of guilt that I don't keep up with this blog as often as I used to. It is like an old friend that carries a lot of my memories, but that I can't keep in touch with as often as I would like. I especially feel bad that Jace and Flor's childhoods are not being recorded nearly as well as Hallie's was in the beginning (and well, I guess that means that hers is not being recorded now very well either). 

Anyway, here are a few snapshots from February of life. These pretty much encompass what life is for me right now: 

Devin working on my Primary Sharing Time lesson. Isn't he the greatest? Yeah- him working on my lesson. It works well that way.

Can't get enough of this handsome face. The attitude, however, I can do without. I gotta admit though, Jace is a funny one. One small story for posterity's sake: Jace has a really hard time sitting still at church. We have to pull out all the tricks for him, especially because our church is during his nap time this year. Last week, he was sitting on my lap and he told me that he wanted to play with my hair. I told him that was fine since I thought maybe it would keep him quiet for am minute. He started pushing the back of my hair over my eyes and said loudly, "Mom, I am going to make you beee-u-teee-full!" There was a full four rows of laughter behind us. What a ham.

I love the nighttime routine with the kids. It is really sometimes the only quality time I have with them in a day. No matter how busy the day is, though, I make sure that we eat dinner together, read scriptures, read stories, pray together, (sometimes listen to music or sing and dance), (sometimes play games), and talk about our days. I love this time with the kids. Recently, they have requested to go outside and look at the stars for some reason, so we have done that a few times too. I am one lucky mom to have these three, eh?

My awesome and amazing sister-in-law cut my hair (and everyone else's in the family-- what a saint!) and she gave me bangs! Aren't they cute? I have struggled some days to get them to look quite as good as Alisa does, but I am getting the hang of it finally, maybe. Two + weeks later- no big deal! 

This girl. Not even sure what to do with her naughty-ness sometimes, but we won't go there. Instead, I will tell you that we are working on vocalizing sounds and that she is quite good at it! If she really tries hard, she can make what sounds like "dada". She gets very proud of herself and thinks it is great that she gets so much praise and attention for it. 

Hals at the Kindergarten fair at the doctor's office! She is almost a kindergartner...what?! She loved getting her face painted and playing carnival games. It totally made getting shots worth it. She was brave and didn't even cry. The doctor asked her to count to 10 (10?? Don't most two year olds know how to count to 10) and to say her full name and say the abcs. She passed-- the only thing she didn't know is her address. My fault- we have never worked on that. Hals is a little smarty pants and is really getting the hang of reading now. She can read simple kids books and likes to read to Jace if he will sit still long enough. Some days she really wants to read a lot and other days she cries and throws a fit if I ask her to read to me. Can't figure that out...Oh and she was 90% for height and weight at the doctor's. No surprise there.

When I am watching movies for one of my online classes (Yes, movies, I know it is such a hard life)- I have been doing puzzles still and I love it! It is so relaxing for me. I don't have a whole ton of down time, but when I do-- I might just be doing puzzles all.the.time. Who knew?

My fellow UAS workers and I made a trek down to St. George (well Koleen, Lauren, and I did- Krystal lives there) to help market the area. We took brochures and business cards around to a lot of attorneys, doctor's offices, infertility centers. etc. We had a really positive response and that was encouraging! So hopefully Krystal starts getting a ton of business down there! :) I love these ladies and I feel so blessed that I get to be part of this project with them. Also, yes, I know I am the only one not wearing a skirt. I did not get the memo....

And that's life. Only 9ish more weeks of school. Not that I am counting down, but it sure will be nice when it is over!!