It's still real...

It's been more than two months since my sweet Aunt Linda's death.

It still hurts. A lot.

It seems cruel that life is going on at such break-neck speeds still. I find myself feeling guilty sometimes that life is good for me, when I know that Brad is faced with the reality of the situation every minute of every day.

I didn't feel like doing much for a while after Linda died. I would have rather just sat on the couch and thought about her. I still feel that way sometimes. Little things trigger thoughts and then I just miss her all the more. I can't use my kitchenaid (which she gave me) without getting really sad. I can't dress Jace in anything she gave him (which is nearly his entire wardrobe) without smelling it and thinking of her. I find myself driving down the street on the verge of tears when certain songs play, or when I see someone who resembles her.

I was talking to my cousin the other day and we both agreed that it's the little things that are the repeat visuals in our heads. Her posture. Her facial expressions. Her words. "You are such a nerd!" with her little laugh. (Yes, that was an endearment...). The drive to Boise and our conversations then. The funny inside jokes.

All of this is priceless. I know some day those images will fade, and I dread that day.

Something I don't think I have shared here before is that one of the last conversations I had with Linda was her telling me how proud she was of Devin and I in our pursuit of adopting MF. We had had some mixed reactions to the news up to that point. But, not with Linda. She was genuinely so excited and so supportive. I treasure knowing this and remembering her words of support. I pray to Heavenly Father a lot that he will use her to help us from the other side. I have felt that help.

Maybe you wonder why I blog about this? I do it for me as part of the healing journey. I have written a lot in my journal some of the more intimate details that are too personal and private to share. But, I find that sharing helps me heal too. I want others to know what a special person Linda is and I want to keep her memory alive.

In good news, Charlie has been home for about three weeks now and she is doing so well. SO well. I haven't seen her since she left the hospital, but from what I hear, she is a feisty little thing. She acts much like a normal newborn, which is such great news. We still won't know the extent of her brain damage until she is older, but for now, I am so happy with the miracles in her. She is on a g-tube, which feeds her through her stomach, and hopefully with her continued therapy she will be able to eat orally.


Isn't she so beautiful? She looks a lot like her mama. I can't wait to see her next week when we are in Logan for the Mud Run. There is still time to sign up if you want- and part of the proceeds will go to Brad and the kids.