Lesson #3: Individual Worth

I have not abandoned my life lessons posts, though it may seem like it since I haven't posted one since March! Anyway, this time I want to talk about how I have come to learn about people's worth: my own and everyone else's.

First, let me tell you a story. As a sophomore in college, I took an Introduction to Social Work class to see if social work was really what I wanted to do (Okay okay, I always knew I would do social work, it was required before getting into the major). As part of the course requirements, I needed to complete 20 hours of volunteer work in a social work setting. One option was the Utah State Mental Hospital, which is where I chose to do the volunteer hours.

The first few times I went, I was really reserved as the mentally ill were not a population I had much experience with, particularly the severely mentally ill as this group was. I remember thinking that I had nothing in common with anyone there and tried my hardest to make myself "disappear" amongst them. I let them do their thing, I observed and tried to be fully involved as little as possible.

One day, I went with the supervisor over the program where I was working to take a group of patients out in the community to learn about how to use the bus system. We piled into a huge 15 passenger van and I immediately saw that keeping my space would be much more difficult in that environment as there was a perfect number of seats in the van for each of the people. I climbed in next to a lady and (I am shamed to admit it now) immediately started noting in my mind the things that were "wrong" with her: she didn't smell the best, she wore old raggy clothes that were mismatched, her hair didn't look like it had been combed or cut in years, and she had rotten teeth. I wondered why she was wearing a coat in the dead of summer. I noted that her scrunchie was something my mom would have put in my hair in the late 80's. I remember precisely what she looks like because the experience I had next hasn't left me. As we drove, a song, Dream Weaver, came on the radio. I am sure you have all heard this song before, as had I, but it took on different meaning that day. The woman sitting next to me immediately starting clapping and singing along as she exclaimed, "I LOVE THIS SONG!! It is my favorite!"

That's all it took. I looked at her in a different light right at that second as I had a profound impression, "She is a person too. She has likes, dislikes, hobbies, and interests. She has a family. She has people she loves and that love her. She may look and act differently than you do, but she has just as much worth."

I had to fight back the tears as I realized how prideful I had been. I had mentally viewed myself as "above" this person. I realized that day that I have a choice about how I view people. I can view them in a physical sense and immediately pass judgement, or I can view them as someone with value, no matter their outward appearance or even their behavior.

Rewind to my younger years. I didn't always have the greatest sense of self-worth, either. In fact, I had a hard time viewing myself as anything worthwhile for a long time (especially during those sometimes awful teenage years.) I had a terrible case of "little-sisteritis" as I call it. My sister was (and is) good at everything and that is no exaggeration. For those that know her, you can vouch for me. She is a genius, she is a prodigy at the piano and the violin, she always sets high goals and achieves them (hello, she is a pharmacist and I am a social worker? case in point), and she has very nearly never done a thing wrong in her life.

Because she was two years older, she paved the path for me. Because she was so good at the piano, my parents thought I would be too. Because she was a genius, my grades were expected to be as high. Though I did do well in school, I had to work a lot harder than she did it seemed. Musically, I tried hard in the beginning, but soon that waned as I saw that I wasn't getting as far. I soon started to manipulate my piano teacher to pass songs off for me (bring on the tears) even though I hadn't practiced once all week. Later, when we took up the violin, our teacher finally told my mom that she was wasting her money on me. (Her exact quote? "She is so bad the dogs are howling outside!").

Oh the truth hurts. But, it is oh so true. And I laugh and laugh and laugh at that today.

It took until I was in high school that I realized that I didn't HAVE to be Jennifer. I could be Kim. What a revelation, I know! But just because she was good at music, didn't mean that had to be my talent too (sometimes I feel like I am still searching for my talents....but I know its not music!). From that point on, my point of view changed. I stopped trying to be something and someone I was not. I was me. It felt good.

I am sure others have felt like me before- that they have to live up to someone else's standard or be "just like" someone else. That is a burden that no one should put upon themselves because, well, we are all individuals! It is so freeing to let those standards and expectations go and just be yourself.

Realizing that made the way I viewed myself so much better. No longer was I a failure because I couldn't play all the concertos on the piano, but I could be a success as whatever it was I chose to do. I became a lot happier (and still am) and learned to love and appreciate me for me.

I am sure this is a lesson that I will learn again and again in life. I think learning of your own worth makes it easier to view others and see their worth, too.

One thing I am sure of: I hope to never view a person again as I did that person that day in the van. (Go ahead and judge me for my behavior that day. Like I said, I am not proud of it. But hopefully I am better for it.)