Lesson #3: Individual Worth

I have not abandoned my life lessons posts, though it may seem like it since I haven't posted one since March! Anyway, this time I want to talk about how I have come to learn about people's worth: my own and everyone else's.

First, let me tell you a story. As a sophomore in college, I took an Introduction to Social Work class to see if social work was really what I wanted to do (Okay okay, I always knew I would do social work, it was required before getting into the major). As part of the course requirements, I needed to complete 20 hours of volunteer work in a social work setting. One option was the Utah State Mental Hospital, which is where I chose to do the volunteer hours.

The first few times I went, I was really reserved as the mentally ill were not a population I had much experience with, particularly the severely mentally ill as this group was. I remember thinking that I had nothing in common with anyone there and tried my hardest to make myself "disappear" amongst them. I let them do their thing, I observed and tried to be fully involved as little as possible.

One day, I went with the supervisor over the program where I was working to take a group of patients out in the community to learn about how to use the bus system. We piled into a huge 15 passenger van and I immediately saw that keeping my space would be much more difficult in that environment as there was a perfect number of seats in the van for each of the people. I climbed in next to a lady and (I am shamed to admit it now) immediately started noting in my mind the things that were "wrong" with her: she didn't smell the best, she wore old raggy clothes that were mismatched, her hair didn't look like it had been combed or cut in years, and she had rotten teeth. I wondered why she was wearing a coat in the dead of summer. I noted that her scrunchie was something my mom would have put in my hair in the late 80's. I remember precisely what she looks like because the experience I had next hasn't left me. As we drove, a song, Dream Weaver, came on the radio. I am sure you have all heard this song before, as had I, but it took on different meaning that day. The woman sitting next to me immediately starting clapping and singing along as she exclaimed, "I LOVE THIS SONG!! It is my favorite!"

That's all it took. I looked at her in a different light right at that second as I had a profound impression, "She is a person too. She has likes, dislikes, hobbies, and interests. She has a family. She has people she loves and that love her. She may look and act differently than you do, but she has just as much worth."

I had to fight back the tears as I realized how prideful I had been. I had mentally viewed myself as "above" this person. I realized that day that I have a choice about how I view people. I can view them in a physical sense and immediately pass judgement, or I can view them as someone with value, no matter their outward appearance or even their behavior.

Rewind to my younger years. I didn't always have the greatest sense of self-worth, either. In fact, I had a hard time viewing myself as anything worthwhile for a long time (especially during those sometimes awful teenage years.) I had a terrible case of "little-sisteritis" as I call it. My sister was (and is) good at everything and that is no exaggeration. For those that know her, you can vouch for me. She is a genius, she is a prodigy at the piano and the violin, she always sets high goals and achieves them (hello, she is a pharmacist and I am a social worker? case in point), and she has very nearly never done a thing wrong in her life.

Because she was two years older, she paved the path for me. Because she was so good at the piano, my parents thought I would be too. Because she was a genius, my grades were expected to be as high. Though I did do well in school, I had to work a lot harder than she did it seemed. Musically, I tried hard in the beginning, but soon that waned as I saw that I wasn't getting as far. I soon started to manipulate my piano teacher to pass songs off for me (bring on the tears) even though I hadn't practiced once all week. Later, when we took up the violin, our teacher finally told my mom that she was wasting her money on me. (Her exact quote? "She is so bad the dogs are howling outside!").

Oh the truth hurts. But, it is oh so true. And I laugh and laugh and laugh at that today.

It took until I was in high school that I realized that I didn't HAVE to be Jennifer. I could be Kim. What a revelation, I know! But just because she was good at music, didn't mean that had to be my talent too (sometimes I feel like I am still searching for my talents....but I know its not music!). From that point on, my point of view changed. I stopped trying to be something and someone I was not. I was me. It felt good.

I am sure others have felt like me before- that they have to live up to someone else's standard or be "just like" someone else. That is a burden that no one should put upon themselves because, well, we are all individuals! It is so freeing to let those standards and expectations go and just be yourself.

Realizing that made the way I viewed myself so much better. No longer was I a failure because I couldn't play all the concertos on the piano, but I could be a success as whatever it was I chose to do. I became a lot happier (and still am) and learned to love and appreciate me for me.

I am sure this is a lesson that I will learn again and again in life. I think learning of your own worth makes it easier to view others and see their worth, too.

One thing I am sure of: I hope to never view a person again as I did that person that day in the van. (Go ahead and judge me for my behavior that day. Like I said, I am not proud of it. But hopefully I am better for it.)

Sadness

This weekend I made another trip to Idaho Falls, this one unplanned. Last weekend, my oldest cousin on my dad's side, Damian, was killed in a plane crash outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma. He was with two of his business partners and all three were killed when their plane went down about a mile from the runway. This is very shocking and sad news. His funeral was held yesterday in Idaho Falls and was a great celebration of his life. My cousin Anneka, who I grew up with and is my age, spoke at the funeral and along with the others, did a great job remembering her brother.

Damian leaves behind a wife and four children, ages 14 to 8. He baptized his youngest just the weekend before his death. That same weekend, he was able to spend time with nearly all of his family. What a blessing! At the cemetary yesterday, it was sad to look around and to see all the family members buried there in the same area. Chris is buried there, Damian will now be, and three of my dad's brothers are also buried there. James, the oldest in his family, passed away at birth. Joe, just older than my dad, passed away 30 years ago this fall in a plane crash (I know, what are the odds?). Josh, the youngest, passed away in 1992 (I think) after being shot. While it is hard to see our family suffer another loss, I know that just as we have been comforted and received understanding in the past, the same will happen in this situation. I think the Lord must need valiant men to serve on the other side.

Here is Damian's obituary if you would like to read it, and here is an article about the plane crash.

In other sad news, a little girl about Hallie's age died on Friday after nearly drowning in a canal. She spent more than a week a Primary Children's Hospital and they worked to save her, but that wasn't the plan for her. I don't know this family, but the accident happened near my mom's house and I just can't stop thinking about them and the sadness they must be going through. If you have a chance, read their story on their blog and more importantly go to this blog to donate money to help the family. I am sure any little bit helps. I can't imagine what they are going through and I have been so sad thinking about it. It makes me want to hold Hallie just a little bit closer and to appreciate her so much more.

Amidst all this sadness, I am grateful for the life that I have. I am very blessed and I know it. Count your blessings!

Here's to hoping that there is no more sad news for a long time....

Relay Top 10

The top 10 reasons that Relay for Life -Idaho Falls 2010 was amazing:
(Note: This is all according to my professional opinion)


10: The Survivor's Lap. So sad and inspiring to see all these people walk the track together after being united by something so awful. There was one man who reminded me so much of Chris. He had a similar scar and a similar walk. That brought back so many memories.

9: Our "We Love Neil" sign. The theme was "Party like a Rockstar", so we of course wanted to have something to honor our family's #1 love, Neil Diamond. Only later did we realize that it probably looked to like we had lost a family member named Neil and that we were honoring him. Sorry for the misunderstanding, folks.
8: Our awesome rock-star plastic glasses courtesy of Wal-Mart. Stars and Hearts are so classy when used as sunglasses. Good thing we put Che' and Carlie in charge of decorations this year. They were stupendous.
7: Hallie and her hyperness. This girl is so funny. She loved running around the track at full speed with her high heeled shoes. She is such a diva sometimes. She stayed up till midnight until my mom took her home to bed. Don't worry, we are still recovering from that lapse of judgement.
6: Added members of our team this year. What can be better than the team we had last year? One that also includes Che', Landon, Carlie, my mom, and Dave as members. Next year, we may even recruit a few more. Who wouldn't want to be part of Team York?
5: Family support. Grandma, Mari Ann, Linda, Hailie, Carter, and Sue all came for a portion of the night. There is nothing better than when (nearly) the entire Clark family is together. Too bad my mom has promised to take my life if I post the video of her and Sue dancing together. Let's just say it is something else. And that is being nice.
4: Seeing Devin's sales skills. He manned the booth for quite a while in the evening and I am sure he had a dandy time selling bows, blankets, and kid toys. Love the fundraising efforts.
3: Late night games. Nothing is better than playing a few competitive games, except playing them at 3 in the morning. I think these guys got as far as to set up the board for Ticket to Ride, but not much further. Landon, Che', Devin, and I occupied a good portion of the night playing a single game of Spades. Who won you ask? Devin and I clearly.
2: What can top late night games? This keeps getting better. Late night karaoke of course! We belted out a fantastic rendition of "I will Survive" and were glad we got to go first after we realized we were the only ones who were not taking the karaoke very seriously. Oops. Sorry again folks. Maybe next year we will bow out of the competition. Not likely, though, not likely.
1: The best part of Relay for Life? SURVIVING THE NIGHT!! We made it staying awake the whole time (well, most of us did.) Better yet, we helped an amazing cause. I want to personally thank those of you who donated to our team. I am very grateful to know that I have friends and family who support me in the things that are important to me, such as this. Thank you again for helping to make a difference in the lives of those who have cancer or will have it in the future.

'Till next year!

Oh the Job...

This past weekend was Relay for Life, which was awesome, except for the fact that I still haven't caught back up from not sleeping at all that night. It was totally worth it at the time and our kareoke was better than ever if I do say so myself, but the lack of sleep has definitely hit me.

I decided to take advantage of the fact that I didn't have to go anywhere today and slept in. Hallie was even agreeable and slept right in with me.

At 9:30 I heard my work phone ringing in the other room and rolled out of bed to go get it as sometimes I get important calls. I was totally groggy and stumbled my way over to it in time to see that it was my boss. I figured I better answer it, so I cleared my throat a few times in order to avoid sounding like I just barely woke up. That didn't work so well.

I croaked out a "hello?" and she said, "Kim! They are waiting for you at court! They need you there right now!"

Granted, I wasn't fully awake, but even if I was, I didn't have the slightest idea of what she was talking about. I totally got the feeling of dread like I had forgotten something really important.

Turns out she left me a message over the weekend that an adoption finalization that was supposed to be on July 30 got moved up to TODAY at 9 am. I was out of town and for some reason didn't get the message, so I had no idea. Horrible.

I threw on a dress, brushed my teeth, woke Hallie up, threw a new diaper and an outfit on her, grabbed a bag of pretzels for her to eat (yes I know, I am a horrible mother. Pretzels for breakfast? They were sitting on the counter and it was convenient), and ran out the door. My boss had told me that I didn't have time to get a babysitter for her and just to take her to court with me. Haha! Right. Since the couple lives out of state, it was just me and the attorney plus the judge, the court reporter, and security man. I am sure that while I was on the stand I could just have the attorney hold on to her while he questioned me. Or, better yet, I am sure I could have asked the judge if she could sit on his lap during the proceedings. Riiiiight!

I frantically made some calls and ended up just taking Hallie into the agency where the secretaries were kind enough to watch her while I was gone. I am sure that worked well...

Anyway, I wasn't the only one who was not informed. Our secretary was also not informed and she has to put together a court packet ahead of time. That wasn't done since she wasn't planning on the finalization being for another few weeks. I just grabbed the entire file and had to sort through it all right there in court. Luckily I had time as the judge had gotten sick of waiting for me and proceeded with the case behind us. We ended up waiting like 45 minutes to even go before the judge but I got to listen to a fascinating case about fraud in the meantime (and by fascinating I mean boooooring).

Let's just say that I am positive that I was the picture of a disaster. No makeup, didn't even touch my hair, my outfit probably didn't match, hauling a huge file with papers flying everywhere, and keeping the judge waiting. Lovely, just lovely. Not my finest moment, but I guess at least I don't fully feel responsible since I didn't know I was supposed to be there!!!

What a way to start the day. It's days like this that I tell myself that my job, as awesome as it is, should really pay me more.

boise

For the 4th, Hallie and I got to go to Boise! We went for Kylee and Seth's sealing, which was amazing. I don't have any pictures from the Temple because I didn't think to bring my camera there, but it was a great event. I spent the rest of the weekend staying with Kylee and Seth. Devin didn't get to come due to work and Hals and I sure missed him.

As I was packing the night before we left, I noticed that my Temple Recommend was missing- of course right as I am about to leave. I had just used it the week before but it was not to be found ANYWHERE. I was so panicked. Of course I did not start packing until like 9:30 pm, so by the time we searched a while, it was 10 pm. I decided I had no choice but to call my Bishop. He met me at the church to give me a new recommend. I am sure it was not his most favorite thing to be doing on a Thursday night at that hour, but he came. I was so stressed I just started bawling through the interview. I am pretty sure I scared him, poor Bishop.

I then woke up the next morning and started calling members of the Stake Presidency at 8 am. One line was busy for a half hour. I tried the next one and the guy answered on the first ring. He said he would be leaving for work in 15 minutes but to come over right away. Hallie and I ran over there and he was so nice. I just felt so calm and happy as I was meeting with him; he totally put me at ease and relieved a ton of stress. We left town at 8:45 am with the new recommend in hand. We had initially planned on leaving at 9, so we left even earlier than originally planned. It all worked out and I was so grateful. Don't worry, I will be guarding the new recommend very carefully. I was worried about Hallie in the car for the six hour drive, but she surprised me and did amazingly well. I brought a portable DVD player to try to entertain her, but she didn't even want to watch that. She was just happy to sit or to read books to herself.

Saturday we got to spend the day in the wonderful town of Middleton, which is where Kylee and Seth live. The sticks? Yes! But of course they have the best 4th of July celebrations. We started at the local firehouse for a fireman's breakfast. Jayda and Hallie had a good time waiting in line with us. They will be best friends later in life, I am sure. Kylee and I think they have similar personalities, so it will be fun to see what happens as they get older.

Here's the lady and me. Love her.

Kylee insisted that I stand in front of the firehouse and the lovely sign that says Middleton, just to prove I was there. The funniest part was as we just got into the line, the man in front of us turns around and says, "Hi! I haven't seen you two in forever!" Or never, since that was my first trip to the great town of Middleton!

After the delicious (and fattening) breakfast, we headed to the local parade. It was a great parade, I must say. Tons of candy, short enough, and the weather was perfect. Not only did Hallie get a ton of candy, she also got a Popsicle, we got drenched with water, and she got a stuffed animal. Seriously! One float was throwing off stuffed animals. She was pretty excited about that.

The rest of the day was spent with Ky and Seth and at Seth's parents house. We had a great trip but had to head home Saturday night to be home in time for Primary Sunday.

Hopefully it won't be too long before I see Ky again. I can't go too long without seeing her; its hard on me. So sad that we live so far apart. Hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July weekend too!

hallie-isms

Copying my co-worker Paige, who writes all the funny things her daughter says and does on her blog, I think I will do the same on my blog as Hallie is starting to say more and she has always been funny...so here we go, the 1st edition! (I guess I have been doing this all along, just not naming it this. Thanks Paige for all the great ideas!)

-The other day I asked Hallie what she wants to be when she grows up. Her response? "Naughty!"

-We have been swimming a few times lately and now that is all Hallie wants to do. She wakes up every morning and requests "wimming?" then brings me her swimming suit and swimming diaper. Poor thing thinks she is deprived if we don't get to go every day!

Hallie and her new friend Jerika, the daughter of my friend Heidi. They just moved to town and we are so excited! We went swimming the other day and had a great time.
-Devin taught Hallie to bonk heads with him so now she goes around the house all the time requesting "bonks".

-Hallie has an obsession with shoes still. She goes around the house wearing mine or Devin's shoes nearly all the time. Whatever works right? She calls shoes "shoe-ies" and Devin is already telling her she needs to get a job to start paying for her shoe collection.

-Hallie has really been into singing lately. In addition to the classics "old macdonald" and "abcs" she now is starting to sing parts of church songs. I was kind of shocked the first time I heard her sing part of the tune to "I am a Child of God". She must have learned that in nursery. We started singing "I'm So Glad When Daddy Gets Home" the other day cause we were so excited to have him come home and when he got home she let me sing the whole thing alone until the last word when she chimed in loud and clear (A Great Big) "KISS!"

-We have started having Hallie say the prayer for meals sometimes. We say the words and she will repeat when she wants. But lately, she has started on her own and starts with "blah blah blah, Day..." every time. Probably a sign that we start our prayers with "we are grateful for this day" a little too often?

Not a picture of her praying, but she does enjoy coloring in my scriptures in her spare time too...
-We have taught Hallie who Jesus is, so now she likes to point out any pictures of Him and say "Jesus!" Well, this is all fine and dandy except that I didn't realize that her idea of Jesus would transfer to any man who has long hair. In sacrament meeting last week, she pointed at one of the boys passing the sacrament (who does have long hair) and shouted "Jesus!" Later that week, we were in Costco and she saw another man with long hair, tattoos, the whole bit. She of course goes running down the aisle after him shouting, "Jesus!" Apparently we have a bit more work to do on that...



Gotta love this girl!