Hallie turns 8!

It is beyond crazy to me that my firstborn is EIGHT.....How can time have possibly gone by this fast?!?! Here's a bit from her birthday and some copying from Instagram posts with details about her. 

From Instagram: Yesterday was a stress fest...I worked all day, the kids had karate, dance, and piano, I have 5 home studies to write and a stack of emails to respond to...it was the type of day where I literally didn't sit down until 8 pm. In the midst of it all, Hallie politely informed me that we had forgotten to complete her Star Poster because she's Star of the Week at school since her birthday is this week. Total mom fail. I felt so bad that she didn't get to have it there all week because I forgot. We made a run to Hobby Lobby and completed the poster together late last night. It was so fun to reflect on this sweet little (almost) 8 year old's life. She's a dream child. So helpful, so giving, so kind (mostly) to her siblings, and oh so forgiving of her parents and our shortcomings. We love you, Hals. Cannot believe she's been ours for 8 years!

And from the post I wrote on her birthday:

It's true what they say that the days are long but the years are short. I can't believe that 8 years ago today we were blessed to have this beauty join our family. Fun facts: Though she's not our oldest, she was our firstborn and she's the only one who didn't come with a sibling the same year. 😄
Hallie has been an absolute amazing child who is mature beyond her years. In some ways, she's had to grow up quickly because of the way we've built our family after her. However, Hallie's most beautiful qualities of care, compassion, and kindness have truly blossomed as she's welcomed 4 siblings after her. She's especially embraced Flor and Mishell, loving them unconditionally from day one, despite the challenges they brought with them through no fault of their own and depsite the fact that they require a lot of mom and dad's attention. Hallie is happy to fly under the radar and does not need outward praise or recognition, she just goes about quietly being a wonderful daughter and sister. We are truly blessed to have her in our home and I'm so glad we get to celebrate her today for her birthday and tomorrow for her baptism. Love you always, dear Hallie. Thanks for being you.

Hallie was lucky enough to have extended family here for her birthday since the next day was her baptism. It is not often (or ever) that my kids get to have their grandparents or cousins at their birthdays, so that was a special treat. We had Costco chocolate cake, per her request, and opened presents. We of course had Hawaiian Haystacks for dinner (Every year-- wonder if this request of hers will ever change!)

My grandma Clark sent down this tiny tea set for Hallie that she got years ago in Japan. It was special to her and she wrote a card saying how she wanted Hallie to have it, which was just darling. I hope Hallie recognizes what a special gift this is.

Jace picked this gift out for her at the grocery store and requested I buy it for him to give to her. How can you say no to that?

Love this girl!!

Ecuador Day 5: Mishell's Birthday and Going Away Party

Holy Moly. I don't even know where to start with today. It has been wonderful, blissful, happy, and yet also a day of deep sadness that I can't even put into words. I think all emotions have come to a head today (at least for me). Adoption is so beautiful and yet so hauntingly sad at times, especially this type of adoption where we have a child who knows and understands that life as she knows it is gone. I guess I should start with how the day went and then describe more of the emotions involved. See if you can hang on that long, I guess. This could get long.

This morning, we were picked up by Josue at the same ripe hour of 8 am and made it to SVP just before 9. Mishell was eager to see us. It is her 11th birthday today and she was excited for the festivities to come that afternoon. I helped her finish getting ready for the day and then we waited outside for Cecilia to arrive. It was her day to follow us around in order for her to be able to write her report on bonding. Remember she is the MIES lady (the govt agency that oversees adoptions). Devin and I were wondering why she and Hector couldn't have followed us around on the same day- killed two birds with one stone and they could have entertained each other a bit. Anyway, we aren't in charge, so we just do what we are told. We went with Cecilia and Josue (who sat in the car all day this time- I am sure he was tired after all his time with Hector yesterday) to Carolina Park, a huge park in the middle of town. The goal was to go to an amphibian house, which we did, but it was so tiny it lasted approximately 20 minutes. We saw plenty of snakes, frogs, and iguanas in that time to be sufficiently grossed out, though.

 After that, we went to a park area to play for a bit while Cecilia ran around trying to find us some bikes to rent. She was gone a loooong time. Anyway, we got tired and sat in some shade. Mishell looked a bit down, so I asked her what she was feeling. She avoided the question for a bit and then just said simply, "I don't like my birthday." I tried to get more out of her, but she didn't want to say more. I can only guess what she means by this, but I wonder if it has something to do with reminding her of her birth mother and the losses she experienced shortly after birth 11 years ago. I have no idea why I have become so emotional through this process, but just looking into her eyes and sensing what is deep in there and what she is thinking and feeling, it just gets to me. Cue the tears. Again. I swear, I have never been this emotional in my life. I sent the kids off because I don't want to have to explain to her why I am crying. That was only the first of many times I pushed the tears below the surface today just watching her.

Finally Cecilia came back and led us to a hole in the wall bike rental place. Hallie, Mishell, and I rented bikes and Devin took Flor and Jace for ice cream (no bikes small enough for Jace and nothing for Flor of course). The girls and I rode for a half an hour.I tried a bike course and thought it was great, but the girls did not, so we rode on a trail instead. Mishell is quite good at the bike- she does know how to ride, though I am not sure how-but she does not know how to brake. We will have to work on that. First, to get her a bike. :) That will be on the list for when we get home.

After the bike ride, it was time for lunch. We ate at a little cafe in the park with authentic Ecuaodorian food. Devin's beef something or other was delicious, but my chicken was bleeding, so ya know, I may be turned off of chicken for a while. Other than that, the food was good. I chatted with Cecilia quite a bit at lunch. She wanted to know how we do adoptions in the US and how the process is different. I felt a little bit of a breakthrough with her since I have felt like she didn't really like us to this point. Anyway, we had a good conversation.

At this point, it was time to return to SVP and get ready for Mishell's party. She was totally in her element for the party. Sweet little Sor Maria had purchased pizza for the event (who knew?!) so we had another lunch along with the cake, chips, drinks, and candy we brought. Mishell was bouncing off the walls, showing off her new family to all the kids from her house. We had met a few of them here and there, but not all of them together. As soon as the party was over, Cecilia, Hector, and Monica (that's the social worker's name from SVP) came over and told us they thought all was going well enough that they wanted Mishell to come home with us tonight instead of tomorrow. YAY HURRAY!!!! Can I get an amen?! Just what we wanted. I have never seen a more excited little girl. Mishell was elated. She was hugging everyone and just super energized. I got a few pictures with some of her house mates and she gathered her few things (the outfit we brought her yesterday, a few other items of clothing, the photo album we sent, and a toy that we later realized we bought because they requested we send money for something for her :)) It all fit into half a backpack. Then we were off.

Partway through the drive, I sensed a shift in Mishell's mood. No longer was she excited or bouncing off the walls, but she was sullen and sad. I didn't even know what to say or do to cheer her up. And I guess there really isn't anything I should say or do to cheer her up. She needs to feel sadness. She needs to feel whatever she needs to feel, but it is so heartbreaking for me to watch.

We got home and had all the kids get in the shower. I am shocked at how long Mishell's hair is. It has been in the same french braid all week. Oh my gosh, it is long. And huge. I am so over my head. I used coconut oil on her skin and in her hair and put it into a bun, which is how it might stay this entire trip. Anyway, we then had dinner of popcorn and yogurt, which we assured her isn't normal, but since we had two lunches, it works, right? During dinner, we let her open her presents we'd gotten her for her birthday. She was happy and grateful, but I could just see that underlying sadness there still. While she got in her pajamas, I asked her how she is feeling. She first said she was fine, then said that she was sad about the kids at SVP. I asked if she missed them and she said no, then asked if she was thinking she wanted them to have families, and she said yes. I told her again that it was okay to be sad and that she can talk to me about how she is feeling if she wants. She didn't want to talk anymore after that.

That sadness in her eyes is just undoing me. I have spent the whole night crying on and off for her. Seriously, I don't think I have ever been so emotional in my life. I don't know completely what she is thinking and feeling, but I can tell that tonight she is hurting. I had the deepest sense that I just wanted to take away her pain and hurt. I know life doesn't work that way, but oh, I wish I could. I wish that we could just fast forward to whenever she feels safe and secure in our home and in our family. I understand now why God spoke to us in such a way that made it clear that Mishell is ours. All the fighting was worth it. I don't know what the next weeks will bring, but I am sure there will be more battles. But for this child, I will do it. For this child, it is all worth it. For this child, I sense what our Heavenly Father feels for her. He feels so strongly for her that He practically had to yell at me to do something about her life and her circumstances. Though she is in a lot of pain and sadness now, she has purpose in our family. I don't know what her life will bring from here, but whatever it is, it's enough.

This adoption process has been so different than our experience with Flor. I expected to have a deep and immediate bond with Flor, because I'd had that 6 years before she came into our family when she was a baby. But, it didn't happen, I beat myself up for not feeling what I thought I should feel for her right away. With caring for her and a lot of time, it came. However, Flor adjusted to us rather smoothly, I think. She didn't have the same thoughts or feelings as Mishell in leaving her friends behind. I think because I feel such empathy for Mishell's situation, it is producing a secure bond with her much more quickly than I anticipated based on my experience with Flor. And maybe it had to be this way. I KNEW Flor was my child as a 19 year old OSSO volunteer. I did not have that experience with Mishell back then. Because there were so many struggles with Flor in the beginning, it would have been easier to give up had I not KNOWN that she was mine. With Mishell, because I am trying to understand her thoughts, feelings, and experiences, it is helping confirm for me that she IS my child, too. Heavenly Father told me that over a year ago and it took a leap of faith to continue to this point. I am sure there will be many more leaps of faith, but right now, I need to remember how this experience has been to help get us through the more difficult times.

My sister called (there's an awesome app called WhatsAPP- free and you can call! Family, if you want to call us!) and while we were talking, she asked if we thought Mishell is attaching to us. I definitely think she is attaching to us. I sense no problems in that area so far. She is very affectionate still with us and wants us to be nearby. She calls us mom and dad and already she is just like another one of our kids. We have imposed limits on her (no more candy, bed time, no you can't have that at the store, etc.) and we have not had push back yet. Things can definitely change, but so far, I think signs point to good attachment between us and her.

Okay, enough of the emotions, already, eh?? I know you are all going to hate me by the time this is all over!! Devin and the blog are going to hear how I feel all the time, so just get used to it. :)

How about some pictures to lighten us up?

Snakes, frogs, and iguanas! Happy birthday Mishell!

I just love my cute husband. I got after him today to put his contacts in before we left and he said he wanted to wear his glasses. It only took a while before I realized that he wanted to wear them for Mishell since she doesn't like to wear hers. Yeah, so then I asked him and he said he wanted her to feel better about wearing hers if he wears his too. Isn't he the sweetest?

Some rickety bikes out for a ride. I took this picture while riding, so you know, not perfect, but it will do!

Me and two of my girls!

Getting ready to party!! Happy 11th sweet girl.

We got that little place all festive, including with Sor Maria's balloons and pizza. She is the cutest.

In her element. See Jace back there? He parked it at the table with all the little kids while the rest of us were at the big table. He is a good boy and he likes to make friends, no matter if there is a language barrier or not!

Monica, Mishell, and Sor Maria. 

Little Antony, Anita (16 year old friend- I told the story about her the other day- heartbreaking), and Mishell

Ah, got Hector the psychologist and Mishell

Mishell with some of the kids from her casa. There are 9 in her casa total. These ones then Anita, Naomi, Genesis, and a little 2 year old Estefania are missing. Anita is 16 as we said, Naomi 8, and Genesis is 5. So Anita and Mishell are by far the oldest in that house. 

Hallie's face when we told her Mishell was coming home with us today!

Opening presents

Until tomorrow. I'll try hard not to be so emotional.

Jace's 4th Birthday!

I am totally not feeling up to the regular Sunday post. Let's just say that it has not been a pleasant last few days on the adoption front and I am tired, overwhelmed, and so done with it. I posted a few times in the Facebook update group, so if you want the updates, they're there. If you're not on Facebook, maybe I will have the energy to write about it all next week. 

Anyway, since I never posted about Jace's birthday, I'll do that instead. It's high time, since it was almost 2 months ago. Yes, yes, I continue to be MOM-OF-THE-YEAR over here!

Jace's birthday was on a Sunday, so we let him pick an activity for Saturday afternoon. He chose bowling. By the end of it, Devin was so jazzed about the whole thing that he decided we all needed to run out and buy our own bowling balls and shoes. You see, there are very few activities that we can all participate in as a family (ahem: Flor), so when we find one, it's extra special. Flor loved it and so did everyone else. So I guess we need to go bowling more often. It is kind of pricey though. 

Really not sure why we only have a picture of Flor bowling and no one else, but that's okay...

 Sunday, we had Che', Landon, and kids and Carlie over for dinner and cupcakes that Carlie so kindly made. One less thing to do for a birthday? Yes, please! Her cupcake skills are amazing, too, so bonus points for that. Jace had fun opening his presents and playing with his best pal, Hudson. Those two play together so well and I love it. I am glad they get to grow up together as best buddies like Hudson's mom and I were.

A few things about our 4 year old: (I was so much better about recording this stuff about Hallie. To future Jace; I am sorry, buddy. I love you just as much... I am just not as good at documenting because life got crazy!)

*Jace is social, social, social. He has no shy bone in his body. I think I posted a few months ago about our family singing in sacrament meeting, but if not, here is a repeat story. We sang "I Love to See the Temple" and we all were rather quiet because who likes to sing in front of a crowd (not to mention that i have a terrible voice!) But not Jace...he got right up in front of the microphone and belted that song out from the bottom of his heart. It was adorable. Half of the crowd was laughing and theo ther half was crying.

*Jace loves trains and more trains. The kid is obsessed. He also likes cars, fire trucks, riding his bike, playing school and store with Hallie (bet you can guess who instigates those), playing legos, and 'pets'- all his stuffed animals.

*Jace is a smart boy. He can count up to 30 and easily has the ABC's down. I of course taught him none of this. He can write his name and it's pretty cute if I do say so myself. He loves preschool that he goes to twice per week. He always comes home telling me about some interesting facts he learned about clouds or some other random thing.

*Jace is just starting to play soccer, so we'll see how that goes! He still has the biggest hands ever...so he's going to have to use those to his advantage in some sport! He has big feet too- he and Hallie wear the same size.

*Jace is the most loving boy. He loves to give us hugs and kisses and if we leave before he can, he is really upset. He is always saying "I love you, Mommy!" and "You're the best mommy ever!" how can you not love that?

*Jace is still a really good sleeper-- he goes to bed at 7 and wakes up at 6:30 or 7 am. Most days he still naps in the afternoon too. Must need rest for all the energy he has.

Here are some Jace-isms- some are quite old. They've been sitting in a post that I never got posted. Haha.

*While laying with him in his bed one day: "Mom, you're getting my skin white!" Me: "What??" "Your skin is making me white!" Me: "WHAT?!" Jace: "I am getting white from you!" I finally realized he has overheard Devin and I talking about how Hallie got his skin tone and Jace got my whiteness. He was talking about it like it was a disease that I was passing on to him (which it kind of is...)

*After I was singing one day, "Mom, if you're going to do that, you'll need to just do it at choir with dad." (Devin was in the choir at church. Apparently Jace thinks my singing is awesome, which it is...)

*Jace had a picture from church that Hallie wanted. To her: "No, this is for boys...if you can turn into a boy, you can have it. Then you go back to a girl."

*One morning, to me: "Mom, why do you have a beard?" Gosh this kid is good for my self-esteem...

*Jace: "Mom, I'm sooooo sick!"
 me: "What hurts?"
Jace: "It feels like bees are swimming around in my mouth!"

*During tithing settlement, the Bishop asked me "So, are you in school?" and Jace pipes up, "No! I can't go to school until I stop peeing my pants!" I think the Bishop was so super impressed...

*During a prayer, "Please bless that we can eat tomorrow and please bless that I can eat Daddy all up!"

*After Jace came into my room at what felt like extremely early one morning:
Me: Jace, what time is it? What does that clock say right there? (thinking he'd read me the numbers)
Jace: It says, It's the crack of dawn!!! (in his most enthusiastic voice). Ah, gotta love him!

Jace after church one day: (Instagram repeat) "I want to follow the prophet SO SO bad so I don't have to wander in the wilderness for 40 years!"

We sure love our little buddy!

Devin's Birthday: The Big 29 (For Real 29)

LONG POST AHEAD!!

Devin is now 29. In honor of the big day, we celebrated all day long and it was amazing. Rarely do we get to spend that kind of time together. It was also conference, so we planned the day around that. We drove up to Evanston, WY first while we listened to the first session and then drove through Park City to Snowbird Resort during the second session. It was a really great day. I also love exploring new places and enjoying the world around us. And you can tell I am getting old now since I have a million pictures of scenery. When did I turn into my mother? 

And now, the pictures will tell the story. 

He's so handsome. I'm lucky.

Jace's face as we passed a train. The kid is obsessed.

Beautiful Utah.

In Evanston, we rode along the Bear River Trail and had a great time. The weather was perfect. Could not have been better. This part of Wyoming was not the most pretty thing I have ever seen, but it was still fun to see.

Just cute

Sorry you get both. Not sure what the blur is on the picture? Probably dirty camera. Do forgive,

Same deal here. We've got problems. But Hals looks cute on her bike, yes?

What's wrong with this picture? Can anyone see it?

After our bike ride/walk, we had a picnic lunch, cake, and Devin opened his presents. I think he liked Hallie's card, don't worry, it just appears that he is trying to figure out what she drew here. :) 

Hallie's face....

WYOMING! 

Oh, back to the picnic lunch apparently...

And a cake straight from Smith's, Seems to be my new norm, huh? Wife-and-mom-of-the-year-award.

Pretty views on the way to Snowbird. 

On the tram on the way up the hill. Jace called it the "trammer" for reasons unknown to us. But whatever works.  

On top of the world. What's with our lack of photogenic pictures?

Yes, we still have problems looking at the camera all at the same time. Be sure to check out Hallie's face. :)

Happy Birthday Devin! We love you so very much. You're the best ever and we are so incredibly blessed to have you.