The year 2020 has brought so many challenges to me personally. There have been some rays of sunshine amidst the storms, though, and when I look for them, I see them. Devin and I had the opportunity to go to Houston to go through the temple with our nephew Kayden, who received last minute permission to go through right before he left for his mission. Because of COVID-19, temples have been shut down for months. I have thought about how hard it has been for me to not be able to go to the temple in the past many months, especially as I have faced certain trials. I find the temple to be a place of peace and refuge. Devin and I had a goal to attend a new temple every month during 2019 and we made that goal. To go from attending the temple at least monthly to not at all for almost this whole year has been hard.
When the opportunity arose for us to go with Kayden, we jumped on it and got last minute tickets to Houston. Being in the temple this time was the most unique and maybe one of the most sacred times I have ever been. Just our party was allowed in, which consisted of Kayden, his parents Shawna and Slava, Devin's parents, his sister Jana, me and Devin, and two close friends of Shawna and Slava. There were a handful of temple workers to help us out, but other than that, we had the temple entirely to ourselves. The feeling there was sacred and almost as if we had a special invitation from our Heavenly Father to be there.
One thing I have struggled with in the last few months is feeling acknowledged for what I did and what I went through. I know it's an internal feeling, not something that people are actually doing or not doing, but for whatever reason, I have often felt like no one really understands the true sacrifice that I went through to bring Paris to this world and then to go through the aftermath with the hysterectomy and the physical and emotional damage that came with that. I have tried to fight the feelings, but often find myself feeling confused as to why I needed to go through so much when I was just trying to do a good thing in the world.
I recognized while sitting in the temple that I had not been able to have that extra source of support by attending during the months that were hardest. We haven't been to the temple since February, when we went with Jana in Florida. At that time, I was still pregnant with Paris. I haven't been able to go since her delivery nor the aftermath.
While I sat and pondered the last few months during our time in the temple, I had an overwhelming sense of peace come over me and I had the physical impression come, "I am proud of you. You did what was asked of you and I know that it has been hard for you, but you did it." I know that this was a direct impression to me from my Heavenly Father, who truly knows and loves me. HE knows, and so does his Son, what I have been through. Why do I need to have validation from the outside world when all that matters is knowing that my Heavenly Father is proud of me? It was truly an answer to a prayer that I didn't know I had, but came from the deepest part of my heart.
I am grateful for a God who knows each of us, loves each of us perfectly, and who is the ultimate source of peace and comfort.
