A 5th Perry Child...

So this may be a long-winded post, just a forewarning!!

Shortly after we got home from Ecuador, Devin and I were having a conversation about family planning. Prior to adoption Mishell, you may remember that I felt strongly that it was time to add to our family. I got pregnant quickly and miscarried at 9 weeks. It was from there that we had the promptings to go in the direction of adoption. I knew that Mishell was meant for our family and that the promptings I felt to add to our family were because  she is our child and she is supposed to be with us.  During the adoption process, when the topic of having another baby came up, Devin and I would just shelf it because it was too difficult to discuss and try to make a decision when we were in the middle of the horrendous adoption process. We needed to focus on getting Mishell home and taking care of her needs.

By the time we got home from Ecuador, Devin was leaning towards having another baby and I was definitely leaning against it. I felt that our family was complete. Devin wanted to try to have a baby quickly because our youngest was turning 5 and he knew that the odds of us having more than one more were (are) slim. So one night shortly after I got home, we were having the discussion and trying to come to a decision but we were really at odds in the discussion. I felt it was unfair to Mishell to try to get pregnant right away. I didn't want to send a message to her that she was some half thought out thing and that the real prize was coming next. I know that may not make sense to some of you, but it was my thought process. I also didn't want her needs to be short changed as she was adapting to being in a family, adjusting to a new language, trying to adapt to a new culture, etc. I knew that having a baby would mean another person who needs a lot of attention. I also worried that there was too big of a gap between Jace and the next child if we were to wait. Plus, Jace goes to school this fall and I was thinking how nice it would be to have them all in school and kind of moving on to the next phase of life. So, I felt it was likely best that we be happy with the family we have and call it complete.

I found out I was pregnant a few days later. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. And if I told you that there weren't any tears, that would be a lie. I am the type of person that likes to plan things and be in charge of what's happening in my life, but I should know by now that it just does not work that way. Anyway, I just felt a lot of sadness at first for Mishell and for what this would mean for her and her place in our family. I was talking to my cousin one day about it though, and she pointed out that maybe the baby will be a sort of glue that will help Mishell feel more part of our family. It will be the only family member that she will be here for from day one. As I began to shift my thinking, I could see that this could be true. I also just had to recognize that clearly, Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and that includes another little one. If I had been in charge and made decisions on my own, I don't think I would have agreed to another baby. It had to be done for me.

I wish I could say that once I had these realizations, everything was flowers and butterflies from there. But it really hasn't been. I have been so incredibly sick this pregnancy. I was sick with Jace like this too, but I think this time has been even worse. So nauseated I could hardly stand. My bed and I are far too close at this point. And this has gone on for the entire time, up until this week (18 weeks). I have been on every pill imaginable to make me half functional. Devin is a saint. I just count my blessings every day that he is my husband and my partner. He gets up every morning with the kids and gets them all ready for school, gets breakfast made, and gets Flor on the bus usually before I am even awake. He gets them all to bed at night, has made dinner most of the time after working long days, and gets me to bed by 9 pm (I have been sleeping like it's going out of style!). I don't know, maybe it's because I am older, but this time has just seemed to wipe me out. Devin does all of this without a complaint. Oh and I didn't mention deep cleaning the house every Saturday while I usually hang about. I have had to keep working because I carry the insurance and that has been hard, but it's also been good because it gets me out of the house and makes me feel somewhat functional. Anyway, this week I have felt more alive than dead, so I think we have turned the corner (hallelujah).

So in the midst of all this, I have carried A LOT of guilt about the type of parent I have been for Mishell. It makes me sad to even think about it. I have not been there for her in the way that I should be. I am irritable, not fun, and sleeping most the time. I wonder what she even thinks about coming into this and wondering if this is what a mom is supposed to be like? I am sure I am not the mom she envisioned when she dreamed about joining a family for all those years. Devin again has been amazing...he is such a good dad and has been there for Mishell and helped her adjust. He is kind and patient with her. He has taken her to her therapy appointments and to her doctors appointments when I can't. She has developed a close bond with Devin and I can tell that she adores him. I have tried with her, but I know I have fallen short. This was my worry going into having another child, and I fear that these first few formative months with our family have been not what they should be because I haven't felt well. When we told the kids that I was pregnant, Hallie jumped for joy, Jace was out of his mind excited, and Flor is hit and miss (but she really has no idea what is going on). Mishell, on the other hand, has shown no excitement at all about it. When we bring it up, she will nod her head and acknowledge the conversation, but she doesn't want to talk about it and she doesn't express any happiness about it. I am so worried that she feels displaced already. We are trying to find her a therapist to help process some of her feelings and I want this to be something she can feel safe talking about with someone else. However, this has been a struggle because there are zero therapists in our area that we can find who are female, speak Spanish, and take our insurance. I heard about one in Salt Lake yesterday that we may take her to, even though that's a bit of a distance.

I told you this would be long-winded. Writing this all out is really therapeutic for me too. Please don't judge my honesty here. I know, I KNOW I will love this baby and I already do. I have no worries about that. My worries are primarily focused on timing and Mishell's needs. I don't ever want the baby to feel unwanted or unloved, but I think I can safely write some of the feelings going into this without that being the case.

So, all along I felt STRONGLY that this baby was a boy. I pretty much told everyone who asked that I knew it was a boy already. I felt that perhaps the reason I got pregnant is because Jace needs a brother and to provide that for him when I otherwise likely would not have. Devin and all the kids thought it was a boy too. Jace told us that he knew it was a boy, quite emphatically, because "the Holy Ghost told him so!". How do you argue with that? :)

We had the ultrasound yesterday and imagine our surprise to find that our little one is in fact a girl. Jace was there (all the girls were in school) and he immediately laid his head on the table and started crying. My heart broke for him. He has wanted a brother for so long. During Mishell's adoption process, Jace often asked "When are we going to adopt a brother?!" (That was his understanding of how kids come into families-- he has had two sisters join the family that way and no siblings the biological way, after all). So, I am even a little more confused than ever now. I don't know why we felt so strongly about a boy. I am not disappointed at all that it's a girl-- I love my girls and I look at the strong relationships I have with my sister and cousins who are like sisters to me and want that for my girls. I am so excited for another little princess to join our family. But my heart does break for Jace and his desire to have a brother. I know you'll be saying, "This just means that you are supposed to have another one!" but, I don't think so. I think this is it. This pregnancy has been too difficult on me and our family. I don't think we can go through the arduous adoption process another time. It is so taxing in so many ways- emotionally, physically, financially. I just think this is our caboose and we'll enjoy her and be done.

I know that this post could be horribly offensive to some who have tried so hard to have a baby for so long. I hope you don't take it that way and I hope that you know that my intention is just to process this journey and what it's been like for me. Please know that I sympathize completely with how hard it must be to watch others get pregnant without intending to while you struggle for years. 

I know this whole thing makes it sound like I am not at all excited about the baby, but that's not the case either. I am excited for this little girl. I know she will bring us a lot of joy, just as each of our kids have. We look forward to her arrival this summer!! 

about 10 weeks- first doctor's appointment

14 weeks. Cute little monkey

Oh, I added this because I have had so many people do little things that are actually big things throughout this pregnancy. I work with a lady at the hospital who has been a nurse for over 40 years. She is a little tough around the edges, shall we say, but has the softest heart. She won't outright tell you that she cares about you, but you know she does by her actions. One day on a weekend while working with her, she knew I was not feeling well, so she want all over the hospital looking for some ginger ale. She couldn't find any, but when I came into work the next day, this was sitting on my desk. She had gone to the store after work and picked me up some ginger ale. How sweet is that? She also brought crackers on other days and went searching for ginger ale again the other day at the hospital (and was successful this time). She just takes care of me and I am grateful :)

Oh and this one was from my UAS co-worker Krystal. She's a real gem too. She has given me all sorts of remedies to try during the pregnancy. She told me lime-aids helped her, so she brought me one from Sonic one day and it did help!

I think I took pictures sporadically with the other kids. I will try to do better with this one. I think this is 16 weeks

17 weeks. I am the type of person that just gets wide and fat during pregnancy, not pregnant looking. It's fun. 

18 weeks. It's a girl!

And that's that.