1 year- I miss you, Linda. Love, Kim, Kim, Kimmie

Well, it's been a year.

 A year ago today, life changed in an instant. I can still see it all vividly and have relived the entire experience over and over again. Triggers are everywhere-- pictures of Linda, pictures of Charlie, a life flight going overhead, driving by the hospital where it all happened, passing the credit union where Linda worked, and on and on.

I miss Linda more than I can say. I have grieved her loss far more than any other in my life and it has been really difficult, especially this past little while as the year mark has approached. Che' and I have been working on a video of Linda's life and doing so has forced me to deal with the loss in a way that I haven't yet done. I grieved a lot last year when she passed away and for a few months after, but I effectively buried my grief by throwing myself into Flor's adoption. Now, here it is again- my old friend, grief, back for a stay.

Linda's death was traumatic, not just because it was sudden and totally unexpected, but also in the manner in which it happened. I think I will be forever grateful that I was able to be there for the time leading up to her death. As Che' and I are some of the only ones here in Utah, Che' went straight to get Linda and Brad's kids after we heard what happened and Devin and I hurried to the hospital where Linda and Charlie were both being life-flighted. Che' and I  have processed this experience a lot together and that has been really healing. We were both in the thick of it, but in different capacities and we both processed what was happening at different rates and in our own ways. Even though I was there at the hospital with Linda and spent time with her prior to her official death, I refused to allow myself to believe that she wasn't going to make it. Devin and I left the hospital at 3 am after Brad, my Grandma and Doyle, and Mari Ann and Ron arrived. I got the call just after 5 am from my aunt Mari Ann that she was gone. I left that hospital fully believing that she would live. I don't know why I wouldn't allow myself to face the facts, but I believe that I was given the thoughts and optimism I was for a reason-- it was the only way I was able to cope at the time in the face of all the traumatic images, doctors and social workers talking to us, learning about everything that had happened, etc.

The year since has left me with an overwhelming sense of loss. I've been sad, mad, lonely, and sad again. I am extremely sad that Linda isn't here to meet Flor. She was so supportive and excited about our decision to adopt her. It's heartbreaking to me that she has four babies here on the earth that I can hold and love, but that she can't. I still can't reconcile the fact that the world I know has Linda in it, and the world I know has Charlie in it; yet in actuality, their paths crossed- one entering mortality as the other left it.

Ugh.

Linda & her son Carter

One of the last times I saw Linda- shortly after Jace was born. I love this picture of Linda and Jace- the only one I have- so even though I have posted it before, here it is again.

Che' and I went to visit Brad and the kids last night. Hallie and Hudson came along and I left the rest of the kids home with Devin so as not to add too much chaos during our visit. The visit was really great and it was amazing to see Charlie and the progress she has made. She is the biggest blessing in all of this. I am so grateful for this little person and her life. She represents hope and healing for us.

Don't believe in miracles? One look at her will make you change your mind.

When Charlie was born, we were unsure if she would even live, and if she did, we were told that she had significant brain damage which would not allow her to live a normal life. Linda collapsed and stopped breathing at home when she was 39 weeks pregnant with Charlie and by the time emergency personnel were called, arrived, worked on her, took her back to the hospital, and performed a c-section to bring Charlie into this world, significant time had passed.

Well, look at Charlie now:

Hallie, Charlie, Ryen, and Jack

Happy birthday girl eating her birthday cake over the weekend at my Grandmas. We weren't able to be there, but as this picture shows, she enjoyed her cake! (Thanks Sue for the picture!)

    Charlie is living miracle, and I don't use that term lightly. She is healthy, crawling, climbing, babbling, eating-- doing everything that one year olds do. She had a feeding tube for the first 6 or so months of life as she needed to learn to suck and to swallow, but she has mastered that and she has no lingering side effects. Charlie has met all her developmental milestones just as she should--she's beat Jace on a fair few of them, too. :) Miraculous, I tell you. (by the way, if you want to see more pictures of this beauty, go HERE...her one year old pictures- so adorable!)

 The sting of death has been extremely difficult to bear, but I am grateful for my religious beliefs and the knowledge I have that families are eternal, that death is not the end, and that we will be together with our loved ones again. Let me tell ya, I look forward to that day. I can't wait for Linda to call me a nerd and a loser again, or to ask her to tell the quarter story just so that I can see her laugh so hard she cries, or to torture her with immense amounts of physical affection. It's gonna be a great day when we can all be reunited.

Until then, I love you Linda. Thank you for the beautiful gift you left us.