UAC Conference Recap

Alright, so this post is mainly geared toward my friends who have/are adopting from Ecuador, but anyone else who is interested in my thoughts can read on as well.

I attended the Utah Adoption Council annual conference this past week with my co-workers in order to get CEUs (continuing education credits), which are required for me to keep my license as a social worker. I have been to the conference in years past too, but this year was really phenomenal for me because instead of just viewing the information through the lenses of a "professional", I actually gathered a lot as a new adoptive parent.

The first session we attended was a double class called, "Foster Care & Adoption Related Stress: Practical Coping Strategies for Kids and Families." This was by far my favorite and the most applicable to me. It was presented by two professors from USU, who both have years of experience under their belts with post placement issues. One is also a mother of four biological kids and two children she and her husband adopted from the foster care system, so not only was she able to present from the view point of a scholar, but she also had practical experience in the trenches. Both were fabulous presenters. I was enthralled the whole time.

To start the presentation, they showed a clip from a Dr. Phil show, which is here: 
(warning: this is a little tough to watch. Not for the faint of heart!)

This case apparently made headlines a few years ago (what rock was I living under-- I had never heard of it). This mom went on the Dr. Phil show seeking help because she felt out of control with her adopted son. The clip shows her methods of punishing this son.

After the clip, the presenters asked for comments on people's reactions. I was silent because I didn't dare volunteer the fact that I felt empathy for this mom. Of course I agree that what she did was terribly wrong, but the whole time I was thinking that I feel for her because I know the frustration all too well that can arise. Don't misunderstand me here...I have never abused Flor in any way and I hope that I would never think that any form of abuse was okay,  but I have definitely felt more frustrated at points in this journey than I ever have before in my life. This poor woman just cracked at some point and got into an out of control downward spiral.

Back to the presentation though. Luckily, amidst the gasps and the comments about how awful this lady is, there were quite a few people who also commented on the fact that they feel empathy for her. She was obviously crying out for help and didn't like the way things were going in her family.  One person commented, "I am sure that she didn't plan to go to Russia to adopt this child just so that she could abuse him." Obviously there was a journey from point A to point B. That doesn't mean that what she did was right, but it was so good to hear people thinking about the situation from all viewpoints (what can I say-- sounds like a room full of social workers, right?)

The presentation then went on to talk about post adoption stress and situations that can arise.  The woman gave a few analogies that I just loved. She talked about how she was like a German Shepherd, and prior to adopting her twins, she had four little German Shepherd puppies (her biological children). They all looked like German Shepherds, they walked in a perfect line behind her like German Shepherd puppies, and they acted like German Shepherds. Then, along came her twins and while she expected them to get in line behind the other "puppies", they were more like wild tiger cubs. They looked different and they certainly acted like wild tigers instead of like good little German Shepherd puppies. So, instead of parenting her tiger cubs just like she did her German Shepherd puppies, she had to adapt her parenting to match the personalities, needs, behaviors, etc. of these new children. So simple, yet so powerful.

from here

from here

The other analogy she gave is that prior to her twins, she and her husband were like a white Subaru on the road. They were sleek, new, high functioning, and just like a million other white Subarus on the road. They blended in; they didn't cause scenes. But then, the twins came along and they traded their nice white Subaru in for an old, run-down, green van.

From here

The van definitely stands out more, right? The family became the one that everyone notices, the one that everyone points to and says "look at them- they're different". They became the family that dealt with break down after break down on the side of the road, the family that is sometimes just putt-putting along to make it, but doing their best to make it just the same.

These analogies spoke right to me. I have felt just like the German Shepherd mom, with two perfect little German Shepherd cubs who have been molded and shaped as they follow my lead. Then, along comes the tiger cub, who doesn't follow suit at all. It's powerful just to recognize the difference though, as in doing so, the expectations for Flor to conform to exactly what our two biological children are disappear. Instead, we can embrace the tiger cub in her, the need to be herself, the desire to walk her own path and to be who she truly is. After all, she is a tiger, not a German Shepherd, so she cannot be expected to be something she is not.

I also loved the van analogy. Yep. I feel it wherever we go, though so far I haven't really had anyone ask me questions or comment. I would almost prefer that to the stares though. We may be limping along and we may be the family whose children are all screaming at the same time in the store, thus drawing all sorts of attention like the green van that doesn't quite look like all the other cars on the road, but what we look like doesn't matter so much as the fact that we are making it. Slowly but surely, we are making it.

The presentation then went on to talk about practical ways for professionals to help families who are struggling in the post-placement phase. I loved a lot of it, but there is way too much to share here. A major point of discussion was about how every time you bring something or someone new into a system, the whole system adjusts in some way. The dynamics of the family have to change and since they do, what suffers during the adjustment period? A lot of times it is the couple relationship, or the other children already in the family who struggle. When the stress and difficulties go un-managed, burnout happens.  This can be true of any change in a family dynamic, whether it is bringing a new baby home from the hospital or bringing a seven year old child home from a foreign land. The woman presenter said something in this regard that really spoke to me, too. She was talking about how the dynamics of the family change and when steps aren't taken to adjust to a new balance and the stress gets out of whack, that is when rough things start to happen, like the woman in the video shows. She added that she has never abused her children, but she said, "I have gone a lot of places that I didn't want to go".  How true that is for me, too. As I talked about before, my patience has been tried (particularly in the first few weeks, now that I can look back on them) in ways I never expected. I have had reactions to things that I didn't think would normally upset me. I have had to take time-outs in my room to regain my thoughts and sense of control.

There is something really powerful about having a situation normalized. That's what this presentation did for me-- normalized a lot of thoughts and feelings that I have been through in the past few months. I can look back now and see that I was under a lot of stress in the first few weeks after getting home and that a lot of things that were really upsetting to me in the beginning are not as upsetting any more. I hope that I can look back to now in a few months and see more progress. I think that introspection and honesty with oneself are so important in the post-placement process.

 One final point that they made that helped me is the concept of "bridging the gap"- that is bridging the gap between our expectations of a situation and the reality. And, as they put it, "We don't even understand our expectations until they aren't being met." Think about that for a minute. It's so true. I don't think I can pinpoint exactly what my expectations where prior to our adopting Flor, but I can tell you that I certainly didn't go into it saying, "I would love to have a child who cries uncontrollably for no reason at all and one who bites, pulls hair, and bangs her head. I would love to have a child who is traumatized from her past experiences and has no way to communicate her grief. I would love to have a child who is afraid of attachment." Of course we knew that Flor would have some difficulties, but the reality has been much harsher than we knew to prepare ourselves for. Thus, we are now in the process of bridging the gap in order to deal appropriately with the reality.

Okay, I know that I have gone on forever and I am sure many of you who have read to this point are sufficiently talked out of ever adopting and/or are quite worried about our well-being. However, let me just assure you that things are not that bad around here. In fact, I told my co-workers after the presentation that it actually helped me to feel really secure and happy with where we are. Of course we have had our struggles, but in all reality, we are doing well. We have a child who is attaching and bonding, albeit slowly. We have a child who is making great strides in school and is really progressing with her behaviors. Our day to day is looking up- less tears and more happiness, smiles, and spontaneous kisses and hugs. We have only been home two months and I know that it can take other families much longer to start to feel "normal" again. We are getting there. We aren't anywhere near the point of burnout. Devin and I each have down time every day to rest, recuperate, and prepare for the next day. And in all honesty, I feel like the struggles that we have been through with Flor have all been to the betterment of ourselves and our family. I feel myself becoming more of who I want to be-- and a lot of that is because the struggles we have had have pushed me to explore aspects of myself that need correcting. I am closer to my Heavenly Father than I have been in a long time. I don't know if we would be where if we had walked any other path. We are glad to be on the one we are.