It's been a month since Flor and I arrived home. Honestly, it seems like a lot longer. 10 weeks in Ecuador dragggged by, but time at home is flying by. I think the difference is the amount that I have to do. Life is clearly a bit more busy here...
The end of this month also means that Flor has been with our family for four months. We are to the point where it is hard to remember what life was like before she came. Having just two kids at home during the day seems like a piece of cake-- the adjustment to three has been a little tough at times, particularly because each has had their moments when they demand more attention and its hard to feel like I need to provide everything for everyone and it is just not possible. But, overall, things have been pretty smooth.
A common question I get is about how Flor is adjusting. I always answer that she has been fine-- really she seemed to have no recognition when we got home that she was in a different place or anything. She is really adaptable and goes with the flow quite well. Lately, though, she has started to have more random episodes of crying with seemingly no triggers. It happens every few days or so and she just needs a little bit of time to cry and then she is fine. She also rejects soothing from us during these times. I don't know exactly what is going on, but I think it is her own little way of grieving the life that she has lost. I don't know why it took this much time for her to show any signs of grief, but I am honestly relieved. Everyone needs to grieve things that they have lost-- and Flor hasn't lost something small, she has lost the entire life that she has ever known. It hurts to see her sad, but I know that she has to process things in her own way. I wish that I could just jump in her head for a day to see what is going on in there. But, since she has no language skills, we just have to do the best we can to help her through what we think is happening. My friend Robin pointed out that we all grieve over life's little (and big) changes- moving, switching jobs, having friends move away, etc. Well, Flor is dealing with all of that (minus the job part- but switching schools), plus the loss of hearing her native language, having familiar food, etc. She has a lot to be sad about.
Another question I get is-- what were the MRI results? Well, the short answer is that we still don't know. The doctor who ordered the test called the next day to tell me that there were "abnormalities"--but we already knew that. We now need to meet with a pediatric neurologist to have him/her give us more information. That is pending...so we will see. I would just like to know how to best meet her needs and any answers or diagnosis that we can get would be wonderful. We still need to meet with the ophthalmologist and the metabolic geneticist too, but both of those appointments are months out as well.
We received another large packet this week of information about Flor's background. MJ had it and sent it home with the Schinnerers, who were kind enough to mail it to us. I am not sure why she didn't give it to us before...but we are glad to have it now. It has a bunch of new information, including a little picture of Flor as a baby that I have never seen. That alone is a huge gift. I don't have any pictures of her from prior to my time in Ecuador with her. The picture is a copy and comes from a few newspaper clippings where the courts published looking for any relatives to come forward to care for Flor (obviously no one came forward), so it is not the best quality, but it is still so great to me.
The packet also has quite a few documents giving much more detail than we previously had about Flor's birth family and their history. It is fascinating. The packet includes everything down to the city registration card of her birth mother, which lists the names of her parents- so Flor's biological grandparents. It also talks about three biological siblings that she has (though her parents had 6 other children-- it is not exactly clear what happened to the other three.) Of course, I can't help but wonder about the welfare of all of the children. I wonder where they are, if they are healthy, if they have enough to eat, if they get to school...do they look like Flor? As I have said before, though I will always believe that Flor is ours and was supposed to be ours from the beginning, it is still important to remember that her adoption came through a really tragic situation for her and a complete loss of her biological family. I understand on a deeper level the desire for adoptees and adoptive parents to have an open relationship with birth families. I want to know the people who gave Flor life and who ultimately chose to leave her in the hospital because they knew they could not care for her. I want to tell them that I respect them. I want them to know that Flor is doing well. I don't think that these opportunities will come to me in this life, but I hope that maybe in the next they will be able to know Flor, too.
And speaking of Flor being officially a part of our family, some have wondered when we are having her sealed to us. While the adoption is all the way final and thus we could have her sealed to us any time, we have chosen to wait to do so until July. Devin's parents will be home from their mission by then and his sister Shawna and her husband Slava will be here from Russia (where they live). It is important for us to have all of our family members with us in the Temple during the sacred sealing, so we will patiently wait until then! Just the thought of it gets me emotional. I know that day will be one of the most sacred of my life. I have been to sealings of some of my adoptive couples to their children, plus our niece Kylie was adopted and sealed to her parents (Shawna and Slava) and each has been an incredible experience. I can't wait. Hallie and Jace will also be there with us, which will make the experience that much more special. I'm sure you will all know about it when it happens.
Anyway-- that's all for now. I hope that gives everyone the updates you desire. If there is something I am missing, I am totally open to questions. We are open books around here. The ups, the downs, the good, the bad, the ugly. Yep, there's a little of all of it. :)
3 comments:
Kim! I absolutely LOVE the pictures you got of your kids! Flor looks AMAZING in green! And your earlier post of her adoption video, yeah I cried. You all have such a sweet spirit and I can't remember your little family without her!
Flor looks amazingly well. I will tell you that this same time frame is about when Grace started having little crying spells. Not as frequent as she does now tho. It took quite awhile for her to cry when she even fell down and got hurt. Now you can chastise her and she will cry. These are huge milestones. I too wish that we had a way that our daughters family could know that she is okay, know that she is loved passionately. I know if I was a birthmother there would be so many moments that would trigger thoughts of my child. I am glad you are doing well.
Such a good post. While we as adoptive parents just ADORE our children and feel so blessed to have them, it's so important to remember their loss -- something they will always feel. You're such a good example of how to be patient during that and just let her grieve. :)
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