Grief

It feels unreal that it has been three weeks since Linda's death. I am fine some days, and then there are other days- like today, that are just rough.

It has been interesting to watch how each of my family members is dealing with this tragedy and how each processes their grief. We have the gamut- from crying, to anger, to depression.

I talk about grief a lot with the birth parents I work with. Now it is taking on a whole new meaning as I see myself going through some of the phases of grief. There is one handout that I use almost always with girls for their first session back after placing. It is titled "Appropriate Expectations you can Have for Yourself in Grief." It has a long list of things and now I am recognizing some of the things in myself.

For example: (these are paraphrased- for as many times as I have read the handout, I should know them word for word, but I don't.)

"Your grief may take longer than most people think." -When I say my Aunt died, to some people that seems like no big deal. But the dynamic in my family is such that we are all very close and she was not some distant relative that I hardly knew. So, I'm not "over it" yet and I don't think I ever will be, fully. Don't get me wrong- no one has said that I should be "over it" but it has been hard that some people don't understand the level of loss this is for our family and for me.

"Your grief may be physical."- I have felt sick for the past week. I think I had the flu, but I just haven't fully recovered. I am tired, sick to my stomach, and have a headache. I feel like I am definitely physically feeling the grief.

"Your grief may entail mourning for your loss now, but also what you may miss in the future."-this is a big one. I think about what family events and holidays will be like without Linda and I am just sad. Nothing will ever be the same. I think about her children growing up and their memories fading of their mom. I hate to think about that, but I know that life will progress and they will remember less and less. I grieve for the things they will go through without their mom-life events, etc.

"You may feel like you are going crazy." YES YES YES!!! The other night, I actually had to sit and ask myself if I am certifiably crazy, or just feel that way? How would I really know if I was crazy or not? Is this real, or just a horrible nightmare? It seemed almost as if the whole situation was something I had concocted in my head. But, I know that's not true. It is real and having to deal with the reality of the situation has been hard. I finally convinced myself that I wasn't crazy because Devin was at work and if I were crazy, he certainly would not leave our two children home alone with me.

Those are just a few that are hitting home with me. There are probably 20 or more on the sheet and I always read through them with the birth mom and her mom if she is with her and then ask them to tell me which ones are the ones they feel most. It is always interesting because the daughter and the mom will have totally different answers. It is good because it helps them to see that everyone grieves differently.

I am having a really hard time sleeping- which is not something that has ever been a problem for me before. I sit up at night and just think about things over and over and over again. It's horrible. Sometimes I fall asleep fine, but then will wake up at 2 or 3 or 4 am and then can't go back to sleep for hours on end. It is not fun.

It is hard that life just keeps going when it feels like we need time to heal. The world should stop because our world just crashed. But, that's not how it is. And actually, it has been good to be back to work completely and to keep occupied with things that are demanding my attention. It brings back a sense of normalcy. It makes me forget the hardships for a time. It helps me to see that there is meaning to life still.

I think this is just a post for me. I want to be honest about my feelings and this is a good way for me to put things into words. In all actuality, I think I am doing really well overall. I deal with things by talking about them and talking about them some more, so this is one format for me to do that. I know some people do not like to talk about things and that is fine, but I am the opposite. (Perhaps I am a chronic over-sharer? It's possible. But it suits me and I am fine with it.)

I am doing fine because I have a great sense of peace in the situation. I don't know all the answers and it is an individual journey for each of us who are affected by loss (this or any other) to come to a place of feeling that peace. I just have felt comfort and a sense that it will all make sense some day. I am not in charge and our Heavenly Father has a plan that is greater than here and now. I know the place were Linda now resides is a place of peace and rest and I know that there is nothing greater that she deserved than just that-peace and rest. So, on with life we go. But, it doesn't make me miss her any less.

Sidenote: It has been very interesting to see Hallie process this loss. She talks about Aunt Linda and remembers that I told her she now lives in Heaven. The other day, she asked me if she was coming back. I responded that no, she isn't coming back. But then she said, "Yes, she will come back when Jesus comes back!" It's as simple as that. Her knowledge just surprises me- we have never talked about resurrection that I can remember. But, the simple faith of a two year old lifted me up as well. Of course she is right, she will come back. And we will just have to be patient until that day.