My Journey as a Gestational Carrier: The Emotional Side

I guess I am going to continue to use the blog for the time being as a place to keep processing my journey as a GC. This whole thing has so many layers and I feel it is something that has impacted my life so significantly (in the very most positive way). It has been 3 weeks since Paris's birth, but the whole journey from start to finish has been constantly on my mind. I am sure with the passing of more time, it will be less "present" in my life,if you will, but for now, it is very present for me and something I continue to think about and want to talk about often. I believe that this experience will be one of the most impactful of my life. 

The number one question I have gotten from the start is about my attachment to Paris. People asked how I felt abut her often during the pregnancy and since her birth, the same question has come, plus how I have been handling everything emotionally. I am super happy to answer questions. Talking/writing about this is very therapeutic for me, so I appreciate those that ask about the various aspects of it.

One thing I felt was lacking during my preparation for my gestational carrier process is information on how others who have been through this felt about the baby they carried and what attachment was like for them along with what emotions were like after the birth.  It doesn't seem to be talked about very often- it's more like the logistics and physical symptoms that are discussed. So, here's my take...I am sure everyone is different, but this is my two cents and a little bit about what the emotional side has been like for me.

During the pregnancy, I feel like I did a really good job preparing myself and my emotions for the fact that this baby was not going home with me. I knew from the start that she was someone else's biological child and that she would be going home with them- all good things, and after all, that's what the whole process was for. This knowledge made the pregnancy fairly easy in regards to not developing a strong attachment to Paris. I was most excited during the process when her parents were involved and to see their excitement at her upcoming arrival after so many years of heartache and loss. However, I do think it's important to acknowledge that it was impossible (for me-- I won't speak for everyone) to not form some attachment to the baby...simply because I carried her for 9 months. I knew her movements, her hiccups, when she was up and partying, etc. I didn't have the same level of attachment to her as I did when I carried my own kids-- I don't think because of the biology (I don't believe in that, obviously. I love my adopted children as much as my biological children)- but because I knew the outcome and mentally prepared for her to go home with her family at the end.

When Paris was born, it was the best feeling in the world to see her meet her parents and to see her attachment to them and theirs to her. It was amazing and so fulfilling. I was on such a high at the hospital from watching everything unfold that I did not stop to check in with my own emotions or to assess how I was doing. It was not until a day or two after I got home that I had a huge emotional crash. The first week or so was pretty bad (just ask Devin!). I was fine one minute and completely not fine the next. I know that hormones are crazy after birth and I am normally pretty emotional for a few weeks after delivering, so I knew that at least some of what was going on was normal for me. However, I also had to acknowledge over time that I was feeling more than just the normal hormones. As I took the time to really sit with my emotions and try to dig into what I was feeling (and with the help of talking through things with multiple people), I recognized that I didn't feel like I got a lot of closure with baby Paris. She was with me one minute and then not the next. I mentioned in her birth story that I did not spend a lot of time with Paris in the hospital out of respect for her parents and for their bonding process, but as the first week passed, I recognized that I probably should have held Paris a little bit more and maybe spent one-one-one time with her to get that closure I was needing. I needed to say hello and goodbye to her in a more meaningful way than what I did. And just a note- all of this was completely my fault, not her parents', because they offered that time to me and I declined it. 

Josh and Janelle have been so amazing to send me regular pictures and videos and these have been super helpful and meaningful to me. Everyone is different in what they want, I am sure, but it helps me to see how well they are doing, how she is growing, and to see just how loved she is. Her family is over the moon for her and it is obvious. Seeing this and knowing this has been super fulfilling for me. It also continues to reiterate my decision to do this and that it was absolutely the right thing. Those pictures and videos helped a lot the first week. 

A few days after Paris turned a week old, Josh and Janelle brought her up to my house so that my kids could meet her. They were not allowed into the hospital because of COVID-19 and we all agreed that it was important for my kids to see her and spend a little time with her for closure purposes as well. The kids all held her briefly and we talked about their experience with the pregnancy and answered questions. By the way, this is another big question I get, about how my kids have handled this all. They have been troopers and totally understood from the beginning what was happening and why. We talked about it a few Sundays after Paris's birth as a family to allow them to process their feelings and they all had very little to say other then that they thought she was cute and it was great that she got to go home with her family.

When Josh and Janelle came to visit that day, they offered to let me feed Paris her bottle and I decided that I needed to take the opportunity to spend some time with her. Though my kids each held her briefly, I held her the majority of that visit. It was incredibly healing for me and so helpful. As soon as they left, I felt this huge emotional weight lifted from me. I felt like I got the time I needed with Paris- I got to stare at her little face, look at the hands and feet that were so recently kicking and hitting me from the inside, and get a feel for her little personality. The abstract concept of the baby I carried became a reality in front of me. I felt a huge sense of closure and peace after that visit. 

We have since visited another time with Paris and her family and I know that won't be the last time we see them. The 2nd visit was much more lighthearted for me and it was much easier emotionally. It felt more like just a happy visit with friends and their new baby. Since the first visit, I have felt happy, peaceful, and far, far less emotional. 

People have asked me if I feel sad not to have the baby with me or if I get a sense that Paris is my baby when I look at pictures and videos. I don't feel any of this and I never have. My emotions have never been sadness at not having Paris with me anymore. I am super happy to watch from a distance as Josh and Janelle get to take care of her, get up at night, change all the diapers, etc. I think the emotions just were more of just a physical reaction to being pregnant and then not all the sudden with no real chance in between to process and say goodbye to Paris.

Emotionally, I feel like I am doing very well now. I do feel this sense of being changed through this process that I am pretty sure I won't have any capacity to put into words. At it's simplest form, I feel in awe of the many miracles that occurred and being privileged enough to be in the middle of it. I am certain I had no idea when I started this process how deeply spiritual it would be. I think going in, I thought this would be a little blip on my life journey, but I now see that in addition to my children's adoptions, it will forever be one of the biggest ways I have seen the hand of God in my life.

2nd visit with Paris post birth. 

Paris's Birth Story

Here we go. The full details of Paris's birth story. Read on at your own risk since I tend to be very detailed! And, it may be TMI for some that don't love all the gory details of birth.

Sunday night, May 3, I started having fairly regular and uncomfortable contractions. I would not call them painful, but they were definitely uncomfortable. I walked around some, laid down, and sat and they didn't go away, so I started thinking they were maybe the real deal. Having never gone into labor on my own though, it was really easy to second guess myself. I finally decided it was worth going to the hospital to get checked out because I feared that if it was the real thing, I would have the baby fast (as per my other births) and I definitely did not want Josh and Janelle to miss their daughter's birth. Turns out, the joke was on me as this labor was nothing like any of my others! But, we will get to that.

Devin and I arrived at the hospital at around midnight. I was still having regular contractions, but they were not that uncomfortable. We got checked into a room and the nurse checked me and I was 6 cm dilated and 90% effaced. She also kept mentioning that I had a "bulgy bag of waters". I was super stoked at hearing these numbers because I was pretty sure there was no way they would send me home at that point. I asked her if this meant I was staying and she said she would have to call my doctor to confirm, but it was highly unlikely they would send me home. Sure enough, they called him and things were a go!

This is my "yay-- we are here and get to stay and this is going to go fast" face. Again, joke was on me...

 I had called Josh and Janelle on the way to the hospital and let them know we were heading in, but told them not to start coming until I knew they were keeping me. After we got confirmation that I was staying, I called them again and they headed up. They had to drop their son off with family and gather some things, so I think they arrived close to 2 am. I had just been walking the halls trying to keep things moving along until they arrived. I didn't want to get an epidural or have them break my water until I was sure they were there. After they arrived, they checked me again and I was 7 cm. The nurse and I then chatted about the next steps. I didn't want to get an epidural until I was in pain and I really wasn't in pain yet. I wanted to be able to get up and walk around, take myself to the bathroom, etc. The nurse told me that they could have the on call doc break my water and move things right along, but if I opted for that, I would probably want to have the epidural first since it would probably make things move quickly. (I had been induced with Lizzie and only had my water broken, no pitocin and things moved fast, so I also thought the same would happen). I agreed with the plan and we moved forward with the epidural first and then the on call doctor broke my water. This was probably around 3 am. I expected that things would progress quickly from there. Instead, the opposite happened and everything stalled.

The night nurse continued to check me every half hour or so and I was at 8 cm every single time. It started to get old to hear the same thing over and over. None of use knew what the heck was going on or why I was not progressing. We finally all decided to get a little bit of sleep and see what happened. Josh and Janelle went to their own room next door and slept for a while and Devin slept on the couch in my room. I didn't sleep at all. I was just anxious for things to proceed. The night nurse had told me she was sure we would have the baby by the end of her shift. Well, that didn't happen. The day nurse then came on and started the same process, checking me every half hour and continuing to tell me I was at an 8. She looked as confused as I felt every time. We decided to start some pitocin to see if we could move things along. She told me my doctor had a scheduled c-section at 7:30 AM and it would be great if we could have the baby before then. I agreed. We upped the pit every 15 minutes as allowed with still no progress. It was crazy. We are talking hours and hours of sitting at 8 cm.


This is the hey, I have been making no progress for hours and hours face...

Finally, the nurse checked me again and told me I was at a 9. She also said that she all the sudden felt what she called a "forebag" of water. I had no idea what this meant, but have since learned from my handy midwife cousins that it essentially means that after they broke my water, a portion of it resealed itself and in my case, likely blocked the progress of my cervix dilating or the baby moving down. Lucky me. The nurse mentioned that we would need to wait for the doctor to break my water again and at that point, it was 7:30 on the dot, so he was headed into his c-section. She told me we would just wait for him to be done and go from there. They turned the pit down just in case and let me just hang out. She told me to let her know if I started feeling pressure to push, but otherwise we would just wait. Another hour or so went by. Josh, Janelle, and Devin were all awake by now and back in my room hanging out with me.

The nurse came to check me again and as she did, I had a contraction and the combination of the contraction and the checking broke the forebag of water. It was a huge gush this time, instead of the trickle it had been the first time it was broken. It was so strange. Almost immediately after the water broke the 2nd time, I started having the intense urge to push. I told the nurse that I needed to start pushing and she told me to wait 10 minutes as that is how long the doctor expected to be finishing up the c-section. I tried my hardest, but I will tell you that when you need to push, you need to push. I couldn't wait. I told her I didn't care who delivered the baby, just to get someone in there because I needed to push right then. There is always a laborist on at the hospital, so the nurse called the laborist to come assist. I was a little bummed that my doctor would not be delivering at that point, but I really didn't care too much as I just needed someone to help me get the baby out.

The doctor arrived and it was the weirdest thing. She stood by my bed, not gowned up, not gloved, and said "I'll just be here if you need anything!". I was thinking, "Umm, yes, I need you to deliver this baby!" It was soo strange. I told her I needed to start pushing. At this point, Janelle and I have talked about it and decided that it was absolutely a tender mercy given what came next, this doctor (who I did not know at all) said, "Actually, why don't I run down and switch Dr. Rynearson (my doctor) out of the c-section. I will finish up the stitching and he can come deliver you." I agreed that this would be great and held off a few more minutes of pushing while she ran to switch him and he ran into the room.

When he arrived, I immediately started pushing. It quickly became apparent that something was wrong, though I did not know until later what. I could tell on Dr. Rynearson's face and on the nurse's face that something was up. They kept looking at the monitors and got more direct in their commands for me to push. I was doing my best, but apparently not good enough. The doctor told me he was giving me one more time to push and then he was going to use a vacuum to assist in pulling Paris out. I pushed as best I could, but she didn't come. He pulled out the vacuum and attempted once to get her out that way, but it popped off her head. He tried a second time and was able to get her further down the birth canal, but not all the way out before it popped off again.  At this point, they told me I had to get her out on this last push. They tried the vacuum one more time and this time it stuck on her head and pulled her all the way down the birth canal. Paris's head then got stuck on my pubic bone and her shoulder also got stuck on the way out. It felt like he was up to his elbow yanking her out. I was in so much pain. I am not sure if the epidural was not working well or if it was just that painful, but it was awful. The worst pain I have been in during birth, hands down. I was apparently not regulating myself well either, so they stuck me on oxygen at the last part to keep my breathing normal. 

Finally, Paris came all the way out. She was screaming bloody murder, which put me at ease right away. They put her on my belly and waited one minute and then Janelle was able to cut her cord. After she was out, the feeling in the room was indescribable. There was such a feeling of peace and such a strong spirit. I looked at Josh and Janelle meeting their baby for the first time and everything felt so worth it. It was incredible. They were both crying and watching them caused my tears to flow even harder. I was crying so hysterically that I could barely breathe. I always get emotional after delivering my babies, but this was like emotions on steroids. I could not stop crying. I was so, so happy to see this all come to fruition and to see the miracle happen for Josh and Janelle after so many years of heartache. I think I was also feeling extra emotional because I was relieved that Paris was doing well and relieved that it was all over. I also had this odd sense of pride. I remember thinking, "I did that! I grew that baby from a tiny cell that we couldn't even see with the naked eye when it went in into a full sized baby!" Science, technology, the human body, and God are all really incredible things. When Janelle and I talked later, she used the word "sacred" to describe the emotions in the room. I think this perfectly describes the feeling.

I watched as they took Paris to weigh her on the other side of the room and Josh and Janelle followed along. She was born at 9:06 AM and weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces. She was born at 37.3 weeks gestation, so imagine if she had gone 3 more weeks! I think I just grow big babies. Genetically, she should be smaller than my kiddos because Josh and Janelle are smaller than Devin and I, but what can I say, I like to eat :)

Josh and Janelle then took Paris to their room so they could do skin to skin time and bond with her. In the meantime, my pain and agony were not over. I apparently had all the luck this day and had a piece of retained placenta. They had gotten the larger portion of my placenta out, but a portion remained. Dr. Rynearson was pounding on my belly, pushing things, shoving things, had his arm up to his elbow up you-know-where...so many fun things. And again, I was feeling all of this. I don't think this helped me calm down any, but eventually he did emerge with the piece of retained placenta and all seemed well.

These are the only two pictures Devin took. Really good photography, huh? Janelle is great at taking pictures, and luckily she has many more good ones. 

 The next morning, when my doctor came to round on me, I asked him the details of what had happened in the birth. Here's my layman's interpretation. He said that Paris had a very short umbilical cord (and I did see it after her birth, it was super super short), so when she started to descend in the birth canal, it essentially cut off her supply of oxygen. He said she went into bradycardia (her heart rate was too slow) for a prolonged time frame. This is what he and the nurse were watching on the monitors. He said it was a 6-7 minute window that her sats were half of what they should have been and that's why he jumped into emergency mode and did everything he could to get her out right then and there. He commented that he knew that Josh and Janelle have been through so much and he did not want to take any chances on a bad outcome for them. He told me he could tell my epidural wasn't really working and he was sorry for all the pain he caused getting her out, but he felt it was necessary. I don't blame him at all and I am so grateful for his skills and competence in getting Paris here safely. Both Janelle and I later had separate feelings that it was truly divine intervention that the laborist had the idea to go switch him out of the c-section so he was the one to attend the birth. I am sure she is great, but it was such a relief to have the doctor who knows me well, who knows Josh and Janelle's story, and who we trusted be there to deliver Paris. He also ran cord blood gasses on Paris after her birth to be sure all was well and he let me know that her numbers were perfect, so that was good news.

I forgot to mention a part of the story that I will mention now. When I was stuck at an 8 for all those hours, I started to feel some sense of panic that I would for some reason end up in a c-section if things didn't start to progress. I absolutely did not want this. I could feel my anxiety rising, so I asked Devin to give me a blessing. Josh and Janelle were in their room sleeping, but Devin did give me a blessing and blessed me that I would be able to have a vaginal birth and that the birth would be guided and that Paris would arrive safely. This blessing gave me such peace and I have no doubt, helped in Paris's birth as that is exactly what happened.

Cutest family with their new little one. I love this picture. They just look so incredibly happy.

After Paris was born, I ate breakfast, took a long nap (I hadn't slept at all all night), and showered. I then felt ready to have Josh and Janelle bring Paris back over so I could officially meet her. It was around 3 in the afternoon and they spent an hour or an hour and a half with us. It was so surreal to hold this perfect little baby who so recently had been my belly buddy. I spent some time with her and Devin did as well before we passed her back to her parents. I wanted to be really respectful of Josh and Janelle's time with Paris after her birth and their bonding process, so I did not spend a lot of time holding her and didn't spend any one on one time with her. We had a video call that evening with my kids so they could see her and I held her again then. I also very briefly held her to say goodbye the next morning when I was being discharged. 

I kept a journal for Paris throughout my pregnancy with her. I made a final entry in the journal the night of her birth and gave it to her parents (they didn't know about it) the next morning, along with a crocheted baby elephant we had made for Paris. Keeping the journal was therapeutic for me during the pregnancy, but I also hope that if Paris has questions some day about what her pregnancy was like, or how I felt during the process, what I craved, what I looked like while pregnant with her, etc. she will have access to those answers as part of her story. Being able to do that for her was really meaningful for me. 

"meeting" Paris for the first time

This is maybe my favorite picture ever. It just shows the love for this sweet baby. I hope she always knows what a miracle she is!

There aren't really words to describe my emotions through this whole process and what it has been like for me to be able to be involved in getting Paris here. So, I'll just echo what I said on social media when we announced her birth and repeat that it has been one of my greatest honors and joys in life to be able to assist in bringing this baby to earth and to the arms of her parents. 

My Journey as a Gestational Carrier: Part 4 (The Pregnancy!)

This one might turn out to be kind of a photo dump! We started the process again in August to get me ready for a September transfer. I did another water ultrasound, which showed that I needed yet another hysteroscopy. Lucky me! 

Water ultrasound day

Post hysteroscopy-- thanks to my sister-in-law Shawna who drove me home and got me my favorite drink. I was loopy, clearly. No video this time though!

 Shots started again in preparation for our Sept 4 transfer day!

There was a lot of this for a lot of the time....

 Finally, Sept 4 rolled around and we were ready again! This time, we watched again the little embryo on the screen in the lab before they inserted it into my uterus through a little tiny straw. The embryo was too small to see with the naked eye, but we each held an enlarged picture of it in our hands from straight out of the freezer. As we looked at the embryo on the screen, it was obvious that it had changed shape since the picture was taken. The doctor commented that the little embryo was shifting and looking for something to grip onto. In that moment, I felt this amazing peace and that this round was going to work. It seemed like our little embryo was a fighter and she was going to stick.

lucky socks, round 2!

Ready for transfer!

 

Transfer day #2!

This picture should have gone on the last post, since it is the first transfer day, but oh well!

During the wait for the official Hcg test results, I of course started taking pregnancy tests. They were again all positive. I remember going to the dollar store and buying enough pregnancy tests that I could take one multiple times per day. What can I say-- I was anxious and wanted to make sure the line was getting darker each time. Oh, the funny things we do. I didn't need to worry. The first Hcg level was high and the second and third more than doubled each time, just like they wanted them to. We were officially pregnant!

From there, the pregnancy was fairly routine. I think it took a minute to sink in that this was reality and that it was really truly happening (for me, and I am sure even more so for Josh and Janelle!) The first trimester was full of feeling sick, but not throwing up and feeling extra tired. I needed to continue the daily progesterone shot through 10 weeks of pregnancy as well, which was fun, fun, fun. Most of the time, Devin gave them to me, but I had to learn to do them myself for times when he couldn't. 

We attended appointments at the fertility center through the first trimester before graduating to my regular OB. Cute Paris had a personality from the beginning and even though we had an ultrasound at every single appointment (fertility clinic and my doctor), she was always in a position where we could not see her face well. She also had the hiccups often and would keep her hands in front of her face. It seemed like a standard position for her. 

Oddly, at the start of the second trimester, I started throwing up and kept this up through week 20 of the pregnancy, when I finally started to feel better. The 2nd half of the 2nd trimester was the sweet spot, where I felt more energized, not huge, and not sick anymore.

1st ultrasound picture!


1st ultrasound



I think this is graduation day from the fertility clinic! It must have felt so great after so many years of treatments.


Josh and Janelle gave me this journal after our first transfer in a basket of all sorts of cute things. I decided to use the journal as a way to keep a record for Paris of her pregnancy and what it was like for me. I somewhat faithfully kept the journal through the pregnancy with ultrasound pictures that my sweet doctor would slip me when the couple wasn't looking, week by week graphics on the baby's growth, what I was craving, etc, and my thoughts about how things were progressing. I want Paris to have some information about what things were like during her pregnancy, should she want it some day. It was actually quite therapeutic for me to keep the journal as well. Josh and Janelle did not know I was keeping the journal and I gave it to them after I made a final entry in it at the hospital after Paris's birth.


20 week ultrasound.

I am not sure when this was- after one of our appointments I am sure.


This was the last doctor's appointment Josh and Janelle were able to come to with me due to the crazy COVID-19 stuff. I am pretty sure I was 32 weeks here.

Josh, Janelle, and I continued to develop our relationship. They came to every doctor's appointment, ultrasound, and visit until dumb COVID-19 prevented them from coming at the end. We got together multiple times as families. They have a sweet 9 year old son, Conner, who we got to know as well. It was wonderful developing a strong friendship with them throughout this process. We could not have asked for a better match and developed a genuine love and care for them. They treated me so well, often sending meals or treats, mailing me a surprise if I needed it, and just being there for me emotionally. They were truly fantastic every step of the way and were genuinely concerned for my welfare and well-being.

The 3rd trimester was pretty good, minus the insane heartburn I had. That's totally normal for me in pregnancy though too. I felt pretty good through the end. I had the normal pelvic pain and things that come with getting bigger. One thing that was different this time is that my legs and feet swelled quite a bit at the end, meaning I needed to wear compression socks to keep them in check. Talk about feeling like an 85 year old! :) 

At about 35 weeks, I had my cousin, who is a midwife, check my cervix. I was pretty sure my body would be following the same pattern it has in the past. She said I was 4 cm dilated and 80% effaced. As I suspected, my body was getting ready, but I knew that it could be weeks still until I delivered as I always walk around this way for weeks beforehand. At 36 weeks, my doctor checked me and called me the same- 4 cm and 80%. At my 37 week appointment, he again said the same, except he said I was more like a "4+" whatever that means! I was kind of getting frustrated with hearing the same thing over and over each time, but kept telling myself that I just needed to make it to the next week's appointment and then I could worry about the week after that then. One week at a time. Each week at the end of pregnancy feels like 1000 years, I am here to tell you. This was no different. I started feeling really, really ready to be done and was getting emotional with the lack of progress and change. We scheduled an induction date for May 15, at 39 weeks, so it was something to look forward to. But still....I was ready to get the show on the road. 

One thing I should note that I was totally grateful for is that I did not get cholestasis this pregnancy. I had it with Lizzie and it is common to get it in a subsequent pregnancy, but I was blessed and did not have it this time. While it was a blessing to not have it because it makes you itch like crazy, it was also weird to go past the point when I delivered Lizzie (36.4 weeks) with this pregnancy. I think it made each day beyond that point emotionally more difficult for me. It's all a mental game at the end. But luckily, I did not have to wait too much longer than that for Paris to come.

Birth story coming next. Here are pictures of the belly progress throughout the pregnancy!

20 weeks

24 weeks

28 weeks

32 weeks

35 weeks

37 weeks

37 weeks- last pictures before Paris made her arrival!

My Journey as a Gestational Carrier: Part 3

Shortly after I posted what I shared at the end of my last blog entry on social media, a close friend of mine that I have known for years through the adoption world reached out to me. She told me that her cousin was looking for a gestational carrier and she shared a post with me where her cousin had posted her own story on social media. The couple's post had come within weeks of my own. This couple posted that for health reasons, they were looking to move forward with building their family through using a gestational carrier. They mentioned in the post that they had had a previous carrier and had a few failed attempts with her and they were now looking for someone else to continue the journey with them. I was immediately touched by their post and could tell that they had been through so much to get to that point. I told our mutual contact, Jessica, that I would talk to her cousin, Janelle, but I wasn't promising anything. Remember, at this point, I genuinely felt that my journey was likely over.

I remember when I first got a text from Janelle asking if she could call. I was driving to Tremonton for a home study and I was almost there. I told her I would call her right when I was done and we could chat on my drive home. I called her without having any expectations for how the call would go. It seemed like we were both in a similar situation that we had been through some hard things with our previous matches and we both just sort of ended up talking about what each of us had been through to that point. After we shared our stories, we agreed that we would talk again soon after we got the opportunity to talk to our spouses. 

For some odd reason, I remember each of the first few times I talked to Janelle on the phone. The second time, I was in the Winco parking lot, waiting to go in for groceries. This time, we continued the conversation and both agreed tentatively that we might want to look at moving forward. I told Janelle that I would take steps in that direction until something didn't feel right and if and when that happened, I would stop. I was really hesitant because of my previous experience, but felt a drawn to Janelle, even before meeting her in person. I started to pray about this potential match and oddly, felt a little let down by the fact that I didn't seem to get a burning answer like I felt like I had with the previous couple. However, nothing felt wrong or off, so I continued forward. 

The first time Devin and I met Josh and Janelle was at their house. They invited us over for dinner and this alone was a big change to me. They were obviously comfortable having us in their home right from the start. I felt a huge connection to them while we chatted over dinner and shared stories. They were so kind, gracious, and humble. I felt immediately that this was a couple that I could build a friendship with and have a natural relationship with in the future. Remember with the first couple, the idea of having an ongoing relationship after birth was a bit foreign to them. This couple felt completely different and it felt like our relationship would just build naturally, so it wouldn't be weird at all to keep in touch after the birth. 

As I have tried to make sense of this lack of "burning" answer that I mentioned, I can now see clearly that I didn't need a burning sign from heaven. I had already been given that in order to get me on the path. After that, it was little things, mostly the relationship differences that I noticed with Josh and Janelle that made me feel good about moving forward. I can see now that I needed the experience with the first couple to contrast to help me see how wonderful it truly was with Josh and Janelle. I definitely do not mean to imply that the first couple were awful people; they truly were not. We were just on the same page more quickly with Josh and Janelle. I can see now that I had already been given the big answers that I needed and I needed to just move forward in faith with Josh and Janelle. 

After we left Josh and Janelle's house, Devin and I talked and decided we felt good about moving forward. I can't remember how that conversation went with Josh and Janelle, or who approached who first to say that we were wanting to move forward, but it just felt mutually agreeable and good all the way around.

This picture was actually taken in December 2019 when I was already pregnant, but it's the first that we have all together

From there, it was full steam ahead. Because we had completed many of the steps with the previous couple, we were ready to jump right into the medical clearance. I began this process in the spring of 2019. I started with blood draws and a water ultrasound. It was determined that I needed a procedure called a hysteroscopy to clean out my uterus really well before starting. During this time, we also completed legal contracts, which are required for all 3rd party reproduction processes. Josh and Janelle and I were unique in this regard in that we did not involve any outside parties or agencies, which is typically what happens, to negotiate the terms of this contract for us. Instead, we felt that we wanted to develop our own relationship and lines of communication, so we sat down and determined all the terms of the contract between ourselves. I loved that they trusted me enough to do this and I trusted them enough to do it this way. It really set the tone for our relationship and like I said, open lines of communication. 

Me after the hysteroscopy. I also have a video while I was drugged up bragging to my family about how nice my uterus is. I have posted it on social media before, but may have to dig it up again. I was clearly loopy. 

After this, we began the first rounds of shots and hormones in preparation for the embryo transfer June 19. Josh and Janelle had two embryos, both girls, that were frozen and ready for transfer. We had agreed to a SET (single embryo transfer) only. I went into the embryo transfer in June completely confident that it would work. This was their better embryo, we all had spiritual experiences confirming we were on the right path, and my hormone levels, lining, etc. were all looking perfect. 

The first box of shots arrives! I did estrogen shots twice weekly and progesterone shots daily for the weeks leading up to transfer. 

Devin almost enjoyed it too much that he got to give me a shot in the butt every morning. 

lovely daily progesterone shot

Transfer day #1. There is a "lucky sock" program that a UIRC sponsors so that everyone gets a pair of lucky socks to wear during transfer. I brought some for Janelle too. 

I can't remember the exact timeline, but it is about a week or so after the transfer that I started going in for blood draws to determine my Hcg levels to see if I was pregnant. I had already snuck a pregnancy test, which was positive, so I was fairly confident. The first result was a little bit lower than they like to see it, but they were not too concerned. I went again every few days for draws and went in for the last one on the day I left for Idaho to spend time with my best friends from high school for a mini reunion. While we were at a barbecue at our friend's house with a lot of our big friend group from high school, I looked down to see that I had missed multiple calls from the fertility clinic. I stepped away to call them back to be told that my levels had dropped significantly and this was not a viable pregnancy. They called it a "chemical pregnancy". I was so surprised and devastated. It only took a few days for my body to start the process of miscarrying the little embryo. This loss was really hard on me. I truly had felt so confident in the process and in my body's ability to carry Josh and Janelle's baby. I was worried that if the better embryo didn't take, our chances with the second would be worse. I felt worst for Josh and Janelle, who now had 3 losses in a row after two embryo transfers with their prior carrier and one with me. This in addition to years and years of other losses, which I won't go into since it is their story to tell. Suffice it to say, I was truly feeling the most for them. 

My cute kids gave me this letter after the first embryo transfer. We talked to them from the very beginning about what was going on and what we were doing and why. There have been a lot of questions about how my kids have handled this whole process and it has truly not been difficult for them to comprehend or support. We talked about how families are built in different ways (like our own) and that this was an opportunity for us to help another family grow. 

First positive pregnancy test. You can see why I was confident going in to the Hcg draws that all was going to be well!

Getting darker with time

This is the day I started the process of miscarrying the embryo. We went to Hebgen Lake and met up with some of Camille's friends who have a cabin there. They took us boating and everyone got to surf behind the boat, except me for obvious reasons and Camille who was pregnant. I carried Kylee's baby around all day (thus the baby on my chest!) so that she could swim and boat. Though I was happy to be with my friends, my emotions were at the surface and I was pretty sad that day and the days to come. 

The failed transfer/miscarriage occurred in early July. We took some time to regroup and then started the process once again.

My Journey as a Gestational Carrier: Part 2

Okay, so it's only taken me weeks to get back to the story, but better late than never, right?

When we left off, I was still waiting on a match from the fertility clinic but had had multiple confirmations that I was on the right path.

In August or September, I received a text message from a couple stating that they had been given my information by the fertility clinic and they wondered if we could talk on the phone. I was so nervous for the phone call, but it went great and we decided to meet up for dinner. Devin and I met this couple, who is fairly local to us, in Salt Lake for dinner a week or so later. I felt like we hit it off right away and had a solid connection. The only thing that I was somewhat hesitant about with this couple was that when I brought up what our relationship would look like after having the baby if I carried for them, they were taken back by the idea that I would want to continue to have a relationship with them. It was totally foreign to me to think that I would carry a child around for 9 months and then never know what happened to him/her. I wasn't seeking a best friend type relationship in any way, just a casual, keep-in-touch via social media and texts every so often type of relationship. I really felt it would be too hard on me to never know what became of the child after. They told me they would go home and discuss it further because they could see my perspective. Besides this point, it seemed like everything else was a great match with this couple.

After our meeting, we talked on the phone again a week or so later and they told me they were ready to move forward! I prayed a lot during this time to make sure that it was the right match for me and I felt super, super good about it. We started forward with initial medical work ups, blood work, and psychological appointments. Both Devin and I had to be seen together by a psychologist to deem us mentally stable for the process and then I had to take a personality test that was brutal. It was so hard to not feel like I was going to come out as a serial killer by the end of the test because I had no idea what they were even going for with some of the questions. Anyway, I must have passed because we moved on to the next steps.

After this period, which was probably October 2018, I all the sudden stopped hearing from both the clinic and the couple. I was so confused and a little frustrated by the lack of response. I understand now that the couple was probably having a hard time and making decisions on their own and the clinic didn't want to tell me anything because they probably didn't know much either. Finally, in January 2019, I received a call from the intended mom, who told me that after a lot of fasting and prayer, they had decided to go another route to build their family. I was really surprised by this because I had felt not only good about moving forward with them, but that it was right. But it obviously has to be right for both parties. The intended mom told me that they had concerns about the fact that I had had cholestasis in my pregnancy with Lizzie and they didn't want to risk having a baby early for personal reasons to them. I understood their reasons, but also felt a little off kilter that it had taken so many months for them to come to that conclusion and it was something that was disclosed to them about my medical history right from the beginning. I felt a little dragged along when maybe they weren't sure of their decision to use me a a carrier from the beginning. I also just felt a of confusion about the fact that I felt so good about it. Why would I feel it was right when it obviously wasn't for them? Was my inspiration that far off?

After this, I decided that I needed to just take this experience as a learning opportunity and I truly felt like I would not move forward with being a carrier for anyone else. I had felt that strongly about this couple and that it was right that I could not imagine feeling the same way about someone else. I figured that I just needed to learn something from this whole thing and I would need to take some time to figure out what that was because it certainly wasn't making sense right away.

A short time later, I had another prompting that I needed to share my story to that point on social media. I thought it was a little weird and worried that people would think I was looking for attention or something, especially because I had not yet figured out what it was I was supposed to make of the situation. Nevertheless, the feeling persisted, so on January 19, 2019, I posted the following on Instagram and Facebook:

I'm going to share something vulnerable with you, just because I feel like I should. Why? I don't know. Maybe someone can benefit from hearing it. Or it can help me, somehow.

Around 9 months ago, I had a prompting that I should look into becoming a gestational carrier (the term for when someone carries someone else's child. Different from surrogacy in that the child carried is completely biologically related to the intended parents). This was completely out of the blue and not something I had ever thought about or considered before. But the prompting came, and it was strong. I started with research and then I took a step and went and met with a fertility clinic. The process continued smoothly and over the next few months, I had two more really incredible experiences that told me that I was on the right path. I didn't at first know why I was pursuing this path, but I just felt that it was something I was supposed to do. Over time, I received some personal insights into this in some really beautiful experiences I won't share here, but taught me a little bit of the "why" of the situation.

I was matched with a beautiful couple around August or September. I immediately felt good about them and that they were the "right" match. I went through psychological testing (so did Devin), a water ultrasound, blood tests, physicals- you name it- and everything was right on track. Then all the sudden, time passed with very little communication from the couple I was matched with. Just last week, they called to let me know that they are not going to move forward anymore. As much as I support them and their need to do what is right for them, it was still very sad and shocking for me.

The fertility clinic called after I talked to the couple to let me know they have other families that I could potentially match with, but after a lot of prayer and temple attendance, it does not feel right anymore. I am left struggling to make sense of the situation because the clear direction I received was to GO before. Now, suddenly things have changed. I can't deny the experiences I had. However, it doesn't look like moving forward as a gestational carrier is in my future and I wonder what it is I am supposed to learn from the situation. I have had some really good discussions with Devin that have helped on the road to making sense and healing from this, but I still feel oddly sad and confused by the experience. I would love to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience in life if you are willing to share (and personal message or talking in person works great!)

Also, please don't feel offended if you didn't know about this. There are many people who I am very close to in my life who didn't know about this. In fact, I can count on one hand the people who DID know (which is big for me, I am usually a huge blabber mouth as you all know)

(Picture from Day 1 of testing at the fertility clinic) 

We will leave it at that for today! To be continued, as obviously the journey continued!

My Journey as a Gestational Carrier, Part 1:

I know it has been a really, really long time since I have written anything significant in this space. But, it is really the only place I have kept any sort of history of our family, other than Instagram, and this story is much too long to share on an Instagram post. I have had a repetitive feeling that I need to write this story down as part of my own history and for something my kids can look back on later and read. It may also be a history that this baby I am carrying might be interested in someday. So, here we go.

As of today, April 5, 2020, I am 33+ weeks pregnant with a baby girl that is not mine. I am a gestational carrier for a wonderful couple who has chosen this route to grow their family for many very personal reasons, but it is their only means of having a biological child at this time. I'll share more about how I was connected to them and our relationship later. However, I need to start at the beginning.

The start of this journey was in the early months of 2018 (February or March, I think, but I cannot remember for sure). I had never considered or even thought about being a gestational carrier. Side note: gestational carrier means I am just that- I am carrying the baby, but she is fully biologically related to her parents. A surrogate on the other hand uses her own eggs in the process; therefore, the child she delivers is biologically related to her. Anyway, as I was saying, I hadn't ever considered this path before. I don't particularly enjoy being pregnant, it is not something I yearn for or miss when I am not pregnant. I get significantly sick, I hate the weight gain, I hate the heart burn, and in my last pregnancy with Lizzie, I had a medical condition called cholestasis that was straight up miserable. All of that to say that this decision was not made on my own. It took an act of heaven, or multiple, to get me to this point.

In February or March, whatever month it was, 2018, I was at a board meeting for the Utah Infertility Resource Center. They are a fantastic organization that provides multiple resources for the infertility community in Utah. Because of my work with Utah Adoption Specialists, I was asked to sit on their Community Advisory Board, which consists of other professionals who work in the infertility arena, such as physicians, attorneys, therapists, etc. The Advisory Board meets just a few times per year to advise on the needs we are seeing with our clients/patients. Anyway, at this particular meeting, an attorney who does a lot of work with 3rd party reproduction was giving an update on new laws that were on the legislative table that would affect surrogacy and gestational carriers. As he spoke, an impression came to me, "This is something you are supposed to do." I was really surprised by this, because as mentioned, it is not something I have ever thought about.

I was initially concerned about talking to Devin about this thought because it just seemed so out there. To be fair, I have had my share of "out there" ideas (ahem, promptings) in our marriage and he has always been very supportive and taken the time to figure things out for himself to determine if the path is right for us, such as with Flor's and Mishell's adoptions. But this one just seemed so...strange. I didn't really know how to bring it up, so I didn't for a time. I just sat on it and continued to contemplate it. I also started researching. I started reading whatever I could about the process and learning from both sides what it entailed. I have since learned much more, but at the time, I did not know that the majority of carriers use what is called an agency to match them and to keep tabs on the legal process, etc. Instead, I just figured that if and when I was ready to move forward, I would put my contacts in the infertility community to good use and just contact one of the fertility clinics in the area to start the process.

After taking some time to think about it and pray about it on my own, I felt like this was something I should continue to pursue. At that point, I shared with Devin what I was thinking and feeling. He was initially taken aback, I think, but as I said, he is very good about taking the time to figure it out on his own and then coming back to me with his thoughts. It did not take him long to come back to me to tell me that he thought it was something I should continue to research and that he was supportive of whatever I decided. I have said it before and I will say it many times, but I totally hit the jackpot in the husband business. It has to be a little weird to think of your wife being pregnant with someone else's child, right? But he is just so supportive and truly understanding of the promptings I receive. He recognizes the source of such impressions and I remember one comment he made as we were discussing it, saying basically that he made sense of it because it was a good thing to do and a way we could serve someone else in a significant way. He commented that he would never stop me from trying to do something good. 

I decided to take the next step forward and contact a 3rd party reproduction coordinator at the Utah Fertility Center. I met with the coordinator in April of 2018 and she did a great job answering all of my questions. I had a much better understanding of what the process looked like and what to expect. I told her that I still needed to solidify my decision, but she could tentatively put me on the list of people looking for a match. I then went home, continued to pray about it, and determined that I was ready to move forward unless I got a strong reason or prompting to not move forward at some point.

From there, it was a waiting game. I waited all summer long to hear from the clinic about a potential match. It was easy to second guess myself and to wonder if this was the right thing after all with so much time passing and hearing very little from the clinic. During that time, a second impression came, though, that reiterated that I was on the right path.

Every year, my ward (church congregation) does a little ladies retreat. This particular year, we went up the mountain and had a dutch oven dinner and then a guest speaker. To be honest, I am not one that usually attends events like these for whatever reason. But this year, with some pressure from friends (thanks friends), I decided to go. The guest speaker was Meg Johnson, a woman of our faith who faced significant trials after becoming paralyzed in  hiking accident in her early adult years. Meg spoke to us for an hour or so and I was completely riveted by her talk. As she spoke, she shared how she had to learn that she still had significant contributions to give, despite what she felt were big limitations after her accident. She talked about how each of us are a different type of tool with different purposes and how she really wanted to be a big piece of machinery that makes a really big difference, but she was actually a small tool, something like a screwdriver (I may be remembering the exact details wrong-- this is why we should write things down soon after impressions come! But the gist is still there). She said that over time, she came to realize that even if she is a little screwdriver, she still can make a huge difference in her own little area. Not everyone needs to be a bulldozer, but we all still have things to give in our own way.

While Meg shared this story, I had the distinct impression, "You are a crane. You are a builder of families." It's a good thing it was dark up there by then because I immediately started crying and had the spirit wash over me and confirm to me that yes, I was absolutely on the right path and it was something I was being asked to do. I have thought of this analogy a lot in the time since. I have always been a builder of families in the sense that I work in the adoption field and I revere it truly as a calling. I absolutely believe that it is an area where Heavenly Father has blessed me with certain talents and skills that I am supposed to utilize in helping others build their families that cannot in the traditional way. I can look back and see definite divine intervention in the way I joined the adoption world, and later through the creation of my company. I know as surely as I know that I am supposed to be a mother to my particular children that I am also supposed to help others become mothers and fathers who turn to adoption to build their families. I have seen so many miracles in my years of adoption work and it is truly a blessing to see and know that families are created in many different ways. I also know this with a surety because of my own experiences adding Mishell and Flor to our family through adoption. There were no coincidences in either of their stories, just miracles.

When the impression came that I am a builder of families, it made sense to me right away. Though I had never considered building families outside of the adoption arena, I knew through that impression that my role in building families was going to shift a little bit and that in addition to adoption work, I would personally be involved in growing a family through the gestational carrier process.

That seems like a good stopping point, right? More to come, but because all posts are boring without a photo, here is one of my two dear friends Melanie and Annette, the two that dragged me to the Relief Society retreat to hear Meg Johnson. They have been close friends and confidants throughout this entire process and I am grateful that they followed whatever promptings they had that day to take me with them to the retreat. We were not as close of friends at that time, but they took the time to reach out to me for whatever reason and ask me to come along, and for that I am glad. (Also, this picture is from much later-- I have none from the actual retreat, but it looks good, right? It looks like we might be up in the woods during a retreat, so it will suffice!)