One of Life's Tender Mercies

Sometimes we experience tender mercies, miracles, and acts of God in our lives and I want to share with you one that I recently experienced.

Right around the time I delivered Paris, I had a prompting to read my patriarchal blessing. I received my patriarchal blessing when I was 13 or 14 years old and it is something that has given me peace and guidance throughout my life. It had probably been years since I last read my blessing when I pulled it out to read it this time. I was reminded of the many blessings I have already been given that were promised me and it was a good reminder of many other things that were told to me that have not yet happened.

Fast forward to Memorial Day weekend. That Sunday, we were in Idaho and had church at home with my mom and step-dad because of the COVID-19 situation. As part of our church meeting that day, we watched a video of President Russell M. Nelson (our prophet) sharing a story about his grandfather receiving a visitation from his own father after his father had died. That video and story is here if you are interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjBwuL0ogJs. After watching the video, we had a discussion about our ancestors and the importance they still play in our lives, even after they have passed. We talked about how we can learn from their stories and the legacies they left behind. It was an appropriate topic of discussion since the next day was Memorial Day. 

My mom then shared a story about her grandfather, my great-grandfather, Gordon R. Hillam. She shared that he had had pretty serious health challenges, including cancer.  Before he went into treatment for his cancer, he was given a blessing, which we have in written form as part of his personal history. There was a specific line in the blessing that was really powerful and gave him and his family a lot of comfort during his challenges, particularly during a time when he had to go in for a surgery that was relatively new for the surgeons and very high risk (This was the 1940's and I am sure medical care looked quite different back then than it does now!) He survived the surgery and the cancer and went on to live for another 10+ years.

I already knew this story about my great-grandfather and I also knew that my patriarchal blessing has the exact same line as the blessing he was given- the one that gave him and his family comfort during his medical issues. But I didn't know if my mom, my husband, or my kids was aware of my connection to him through blessings we had been given. After my mom shared my great-grandfather's story, I then shared my own story and that my patriarchal blessing has the same powerful line as the blessing he was given.  It was a wonderful conversation and reminder that we have connections to our ancestors who came before us, even those who we have never met, as is the case with me and my great-grandfather. 

My great-grandfather, Gordon Hillam

Just two days after this conversation, I went into the ER for delayed post-partum hemorrhaging (I was 3 weeks post-partum at this point).  Devin shared with me a few days after I got home from the hospital that right as we entered the emergency room, he had the specific line from mine and my great-grandfather's blessings come to his mind. This was before we even knew I would be going in for a  D & C, let alone that the procedure would turn into something much more. We were told that the procedure would be 30 minutes and I ended up in surgery for 4 hours with an emergency open hysterectomy as the outcome.  The line from my blessing repeated in his mind through the surgery, giving him peace and comfort as the 30 minute mark passed, then the hour mark, then the two hour mark and on without any news. He was of course very worried about what was happening, but felt that overwhelming peace that can only come from communication with the Holy Ghost.  

This story reminds me so much that we have a God who loves us and is involved in our lives. I do not find it coincidental that I had so recently been prompted to read my patriarchal blessing and to be reminded of the blessings promised me there. I also don't find it coincidental that we had the discussion about my great-grandfather and his surgery just two days before I went in for my own. I don't find it coincidental that in my blessing, I am promised the same thing as my great-grandfather, who would have received this specific blessing likely some 60 years before I received my patriarchal blessing. I know the outcome of my great-grandfather's blessing and that the promise made in his blessing came. This has given me comfort through my life as I have pondered being promised the same thing and especially now as I have worked to make sense of all that has happened in the last few weeks.  I know that the whole sequence of events was in place to help my husband in the immediate time of the surgery, but also to help me remember how known I am and how loved I am by our Heavenly Father.

Hysterectomy: The Emotional Side

Now that I have written down the facts (that post is below, but read at your own risk), I'm going to attempt to tackle the emotional side of this.

I think I often present as a generally happy and optimistic person (and I am). So when people ask me how I am doing, it is easy to say I am fine and move on. I have been trying to be honest with my feelings throughout this process and in general the more mature I get. I think realness is good for us as humans.

So, that said, this experience has been really difficult on me emotionally. At first, it just took some time to process the facts and what the heck had just happened. With time, I have had a LOT of feelings of "Why in the world did this happen to me?? I was just trying to do a good deed in the world, and this is the result?!" I know the "Why me?" approach is not the healthiest long-term, but I do think it's okay to acknowledge pain and loss when it exists. I feel a little blindsided by the fact that hysterectomies seem to be a known complication of IVF/surrogacy in general and I was never told about this. As I have talked to other gestational carriers this week, there are numerous others who have had my exact experience. It seems for some reason there is an increased chance of complications that result in hysterectomies after doing IVF and more in particular when carrying a baby for someone else. Why were we not told about this going in? I absolutely do not  think it would have changed my decision-- How could I ever regret bringing a human life into the world? I couldn't, and I don't. But, with that knowledge, at least I could have gone in with some awareness of the possibility, which would have made it easier to cope with if it became a reality.

I tend to get fairly weepy and emotional in the weeks after birth (darn hormones). I was just starting to feel like I was doing better this way from the birth hormones and now I almost feel like I have started over. I have found myself crying often and without knowing exactly why. I know I certainly don't need my uterus anymore, and there are definite perks of not having it long-term, but it still feels like a violation of sorts. I didn't ask for this, I didn't get to consent to it, and I am all the sudden missing a part of my body-- a part of what makes me a woman, a part that carried my 3 babies to term, miscarried one, and took a cell biologically related to someone else and carried it to term as a miraculous baby. My uterus has done some pretty amazing things, but all the sudden, it was taken from me. Oddly, losing the ability to pump for Paris on my own terms has also felt like an additional loss, layered on top of the other.

I know my emotions are worse when I don't have control over what I can and can't do in my life as well. I was supposed to go back to work this week and that has obviously been postponed. I can't drive, I can't work, I can't exercise, I can't even take a bath-- I can't do much but sit around currently and that is super hard on me. I feel best when I am busy, active, and productive and I am none of the above right now.

As I have sat with some of these yucky emotions, I have identified that I am feeling some renewed grief at the loss of my Aunt Linda, who passed away almost 9 years ago from an amniotic fluid embolism. Our stories are not the same, but I was at the hospital when Linda arrived by life flight and the nurse told me that if they could just stabilize her, they could do a hysterectomy and potentially save her life. But, they couldn't and she didn't make it. Why? Why her and not me? I certainly don't think I was that close to death, but if we had not gone into the hospital when we did, I think things could have gotten a lot scarier. Those feelings persist that Linda and I have similarities in our stories and yet she is gone and I am still here. I don't fully understand.

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I worry for my sweet husband, who has been an absolute saint through this entire experience. He has stayed by my side the whole time, helped shower me in the beginning when I couldn't, prepared meals, cleaned the house, and most importantly been there for me emotionally. He doesn't like to see me cry and tends to want to "fix it", but he has gotten really good at just sitting with me and letting me talk it through. In case I haven't mentioned it, I love him dearly. He is the best husband and companion for me.

When we arrived at the emergency room on Tuesday night, Devin had a significant spiritual experience. This experience helped Devin through the hours of waiting and not knowing and through what was to come. He shared it with me Sunday, two days after I arrived home from the hospital and it reminded me yet again, of God's hand in our lives. I will share this later. This has also given me peace as I have tried to make sense of things. I know God knows me and loves me. I know that he is aware of me now and though I can't fully make sense of everything, there is a reason for what I have gone through. I am learning and open to learning more as time passes about what it is I need to know.

I do know that Devin was really worried for me during the surgery. He called my mom multiple times and she said she has never heard him sound so worried. My mom has also told me that she was frantic, worried that I was dying. She knows that I wasn't really, but those thoughts stemmed from the trauma of losing her son (my brother) last year, as well as her sister Linda.  I think Devin's fears have somewhat lingered with him. Just this morning, he told me he was worried I was dead because I never stirred or moved when he woke up, through his shower, and through while he got dressed. I usually wake up with any noise, so he genuinely thought I was dead in the bed when I hadn't moved. I woke up to him approaching me in a bit of a panic. What a horrible feeling to constantly worry if your wife is okay. I think this will definitely lessen with time, but it gave me some insight into what he must have been feeling during the surgery.

I can't end this post without acknowledging the amazing and truly wonderful angels we have around us. I have been SO surrounded with support and I have never felt so loved in my life. We have had countless meals, treats, gift cards, flowers, entertainment, etc. dropped off. We have had people mow our lawn, clean our house, drive me places, come over and give me a blessing, and care for our children. I have had to tell many people no to bringing a meal because we just don't need it. I have had visitors daily, usually at least two per day, who just want to come see me and sit with me. These are not arranged visits or meals, just people who genuinely care. The visits, texts, and personal messages mean the most to me. I am a social worker, so maybe it's obvious, but human connection is really important to me. I have loved connecting with so many people, some who I haven't seen or talked to for some time. I have felt such an outpouring of love. Thank you, everyone, for that. I keep having the Mr. Rogers quote below running through my head and I 100% agree with it. I think one of the biggest blessings of hardship is that we can see how much others love and care.

(*Side note: For those of you reading this thinking, "Holy Crap, you need therapy!" I am going to get some 😊)

The Saga Continues: Hysterectomy- The Facts

Just when we thought I may be through writing stories connected to the GC process--nope! Here we are again. This post is truly going to be a lot of "Too Much Information" for some people, so please only read at your own risk. I want to try to record what happened for a few reasons; first, because it helps me to remember things, good and bad; second, as I have mentioned, writing these things down has been very very therapeutic for me; and third, it helps me to see the blessings in situations when I think through them, write it down, and look for them.

Memorial Day, Monday, May 25, we were having some friends over for a BBQ. Right before they came over, I had finished pumping milk for Paris (maybe I have not mentioned this here- I had been pumping breast milk for Paris. Josh, Janelle, and I agreed that this would be a good thing for her for the start of her life, so I agreed to pump for a month). I stood up and felt a huge blood clot coming. I ran to the bathroom in time, but saw that the clot was really big, as big as my fist. I called my cousin who is a midwife and asked her if I should be worried. I was 3 weeks postpartum and had not had any symptoms like this. I felt like my recovery was going really well and nothing was super out of the ordinary. My cousin said she was concerned about the sudden clot and recommended that I call my doctor the next day, as soon as I could.

Tuesday, I called the doctor's office and spoke with the nurse. I explained my symptoms and she told me not to worry unless I was bleeding through a pad every hour. I wasn't, but I reminded her that I had had a retained placenta at the birth, so she said she would talk to the doctor and call me back. She called back that afternoon and told me that they wanted me to go in for an ultrasound right away. I went in and the ultrasound lasted 45 minutes. The tech went out at one point to talk to the radiologist and came back in and told me they wanted to get more pictures through a vaginal ultrasound. At that point, I was pretty sure they were seeing retained products in my uterus, but of course they weren't telling me anything, so I didn't know for sure.

Because the ultrasound was late in the afternoon, I didn't hear from my doctor (who had to get the results dictated from the radiologist) before my symptoms picked up. That evening, I passed another huge clot and then started just bleeding out. I don't know how else to describe it, but I literally could not leave the toilet, I was bleeding so much. Of course this worried me a lot and we started to think about going to the ER (as it was after hours now). I called my doctor's office on the on call line to be sure and they told me to definitely hurry to the ER.

Devin and I packed up and got to the ER around 7 or 7:30 PM. The ER doctor told me that he would get a hold of the ultrasound pictures from that afternoon and see what he thought. The next thing I knew, he was back in telling me that he had seen them, there was definitely something retained in there, and he had called my doctor, who was on his way in. Let me just pause here and say that this is blessing number 1. The ER doctor did not have to call in my doctor, he could have called the laborist to come see me, who was on call and already at the hospital. My doctor also did not have to come in. He wasn't on call; he was home with his family in the evening time. However, he made the decision to come in and see me, and I'll be forever grateful. He arrived and let me know that the best course of action was to take me in for a D & C, just to clean out everything that was in there. I remember him telling me it would be an easy 30 minute procedure and I would go home that night. I asked about pumping before hand and we decided that I would just wait until after since it would be so quick. The sweet nurse tracked down a pump and supplies and told me she would have it waiting for me in the recovery room.

I was wheeled down to the OR at around 8 pm. It was a fun little tour of the OR, a place I never go in the hospital (I was at the hospital where I work). I was transferred to the operating table and the anesthesiologist met me, put a mask on my face, and that's the last thing I remember.

The rest of the story is obviously second-hand, since I was out. Here is what I know. My doctor started the D & C and quickly saw that a portion of my placenta had grown into my uterine wall. When we talked about it later, he said that he thought this was there the entire pregnancy and said it was called Placenta Accreta. He had been confident that he had gotten the retained placenta out after Paris's birth, but this piece remained undetected. He was also unsure why I hadn't had any symptoms until 3 weeks later. 

My doctor started working to remove the piece of placenta from my uterine wall, which he said was made more difficult by the fact that a muscle had partially grown over it.  He said he had to be really aggressive in his attempts to remove it, but nothing was working. He eventually called in the laborist to assist him, so I had two OB/GYNs at that point, one running a camera inserted through my belly button in order to see things better and the other working on the removal. He said that there was also someone running an ultrasound at times. My doctor also mentioned that my uterus was tipped in a weird angle, complicating their ability to see the area they needed to see.

Devin was getting fairly nervous by this point as he had been told I would be out in 30 minutes. Nearly an hour and a half had passed without word. I think he talked to my mom a time or two and from the sounds of it, both were getting concerned about what was going on. My doctor called Devin around 9:30 PM from the OR to tell him of the complications. He called back 30 minutes later to tell Devin that through his continued attempts to get the retained placenta, he had accidentally perforated my uterus. I had lost a liter and a half of blood and required a blood transfusion by this point. He gave Devin options of what he could do, including attempting to repair the hole, but the retained placenta embedded in my uterine wall would remain an issue. He also said that a hysterectomy would be the safest option as it would stop the hemorrhaging and remove the original problem. Devin said later that he felt a lot of pressure having to make this decision without my consent, but he felt it was definitely the safest option and we had had prior conversations about being done having children, so he at least had that knowledge before consenting to the hysterectomy.

My doctor then cut me open and performed the partial hysterectomy. Luckily, I was able to retain my ovaries, which means that I will not go into immediate menopause and will not need to take hormones. I later asked my doctor when we were processing through all that had happened why he made the decision to do an open hysterectomy, instead of a laparoscopic one. He told me that mine is the 4th open hysterectomy he has ever needed to do, but he made the decision to do it that way because the situation was emergent. It sounds like I was losing a lot of blood and that was the safest way to quickly remove my uterus and remedy the situation.

The first thing I remember when waking up is how much pain I was in. I don't remember opening my eyes, but I remember saying over and over, "I am in pain. I am in pain!" The recovery nurse said, "Yes, you had some complications with your procedure." I asked her, "What kind of complications?" She said, "I can't tell you." Then the next thing I knew, she was on the phone to give a report to the nurse who was going to take me on the surgical floor. I heard her review my symptoms, the intent for a D & C, and then she said "And she ended up having a hysterectomy!!!" So, that's how I found out that I had had a hysterectomy. Not the best.

It was after 1 in the morning when I made it to my room and Devin was there waiting for me. I think I made him repeat 10 times what had happened (I was still drugged up), but I do remember understanding what had gone on and feeling like this was the best course of action, even though it was hard. (Don't worry-- mega emotions came later. I am going to make a whole separate post on that).

The hysterectomy was Tuesday night and I had to stay in the hospital until Friday night, first because I had lost a lot of blood and they wanted to make sure I did not need another transfusion, and second because they wanted to make sure my incision was healing well. I also had to be able to get up and move around on my own, walk the halls, and poop before they let me go. I was so happy to have my coworkers be able to visit me, and visit they did. I have the best co-workers, truly. Otherwise it would have just been me and Devin that whole time (no other visitors allowed). Devin stayed right by my side and I am so grateful. My mom came and got the kids for the week, which was so, so helpful. I also had fantastic nurses, most of whom I knew from working at the hospital. It's a little hard being on the other end of things, but since they knew me, I feel like they gave me extra care and concern. I was also seen by the physical therapist for a few days and I loved her help too.

One other note here... I had quit pumping cold turkey and that was also hard on me. I could have still pumped and dumped the milk for a time, but this just seemed like too much work for me, so I never pumped again after the surgery. This obviously caused physical pain, but was also difficult to have that taken from me not on my own terms. I sent home the last batch of milk from my freezer to Paris on Saturday, the day after I got home.

Last batch of milk going home with Paris. This was a labor of love!

Little gross for some, but it's not close up :) An incision in my lower belly and a laparoscopic scar in my belly button.

Update: When I later followed up with my doctor after the hysterectomy, pathology results showed that I had something called subinvolution of the placental site. He gave me a description of this and I have done some reading on it as well. It is a rare complication that causes secondary post partum hemorrhaging. Basically, part of my uterus did not "clamp down" as it normally would after delivery. It took some time to try to do this as it normally would, but took 3 weeks for me to then start hemorrhaging. My doctor did not know that this is what was going on with me when he took me in for the D & C. I had retained products in my uterus, which he struggled to get out. This caused him to perforate my uterus. Because this happened, I then ended up with a hysterectomy. He told me at my visit that he believes that everything happening the way it did was likely a blessing in my case. Even if he had remedied the retained products with a successful D & C, because we did not know I had the subinvolution going on, I would have gone home and continued to bleed. Secondary post partum hemorrhaging is the leading cause of maternal mortality. I may have thought the bleeding was normal or not worried as much after having just had a procedure. Honestly, the more I have read about this condition, the more I feel so grateful and blessed that things happened the way they did. They were horrible at the time, but with more knowledge, I feel confident that my life was spared that day because of the way things happened. The subinvolution of the placental site happens just randomly and we did not know about it. But because I had retained placenta, I went in for the D & C and because my doctor then perforated my uterus while trying to take out those embedded products, I needed a hysterectomy right then. I am so glad that I did not go home that night and continue to hemorrhage. At best, I would have ended up with a hysterectomy later anyway, and at worst, I could have hemorrhaged out and it could have cost me my life. 

More than ever, I am so grateful for the divine intervention that occurred in my life that day. I wrote about the spiritual experience Devin had that day in the emergency room and the line of my patriarchal blessing, which literally goes right in line with what happened. My blessing promises me what came to pass in my behalf that day. Miracles are real. God is present in our lives. I have no doubt of this.