My Journey as a Gestational Carrier: Part 2

Okay, so it's only taken me weeks to get back to the story, but better late than never, right?

When we left off, I was still waiting on a match from the fertility clinic but had had multiple confirmations that I was on the right path.

In August or September, I received a text message from a couple stating that they had been given my information by the fertility clinic and they wondered if we could talk on the phone. I was so nervous for the phone call, but it went great and we decided to meet up for dinner. Devin and I met this couple, who is fairly local to us, in Salt Lake for dinner a week or so later. I felt like we hit it off right away and had a solid connection. The only thing that I was somewhat hesitant about with this couple was that when I brought up what our relationship would look like after having the baby if I carried for them, they were taken back by the idea that I would want to continue to have a relationship with them. It was totally foreign to me to think that I would carry a child around for 9 months and then never know what happened to him/her. I wasn't seeking a best friend type relationship in any way, just a casual, keep-in-touch via social media and texts every so often type of relationship. I really felt it would be too hard on me to never know what became of the child after. They told me they would go home and discuss it further because they could see my perspective. Besides this point, it seemed like everything else was a great match with this couple.

After our meeting, we talked on the phone again a week or so later and they told me they were ready to move forward! I prayed a lot during this time to make sure that it was the right match for me and I felt super, super good about it. We started forward with initial medical work ups, blood work, and psychological appointments. Both Devin and I had to be seen together by a psychologist to deem us mentally stable for the process and then I had to take a personality test that was brutal. It was so hard to not feel like I was going to come out as a serial killer by the end of the test because I had no idea what they were even going for with some of the questions. Anyway, I must have passed because we moved on to the next steps.

After this period, which was probably October 2018, I all the sudden stopped hearing from both the clinic and the couple. I was so confused and a little frustrated by the lack of response. I understand now that the couple was probably having a hard time and making decisions on their own and the clinic didn't want to tell me anything because they probably didn't know much either. Finally, in January 2019, I received a call from the intended mom, who told me that after a lot of fasting and prayer, they had decided to go another route to build their family. I was really surprised by this because I had felt not only good about moving forward with them, but that it was right. But it obviously has to be right for both parties. The intended mom told me that they had concerns about the fact that I had had cholestasis in my pregnancy with Lizzie and they didn't want to risk having a baby early for personal reasons to them. I understood their reasons, but also felt a little off kilter that it had taken so many months for them to come to that conclusion and it was something that was disclosed to them about my medical history right from the beginning. I felt a little dragged along when maybe they weren't sure of their decision to use me a a carrier from the beginning. I also just felt a of confusion about the fact that I felt so good about it. Why would I feel it was right when it obviously wasn't for them? Was my inspiration that far off?

After this, I decided that I needed to just take this experience as a learning opportunity and I truly felt like I would not move forward with being a carrier for anyone else. I had felt that strongly about this couple and that it was right that I could not imagine feeling the same way about someone else. I figured that I just needed to learn something from this whole thing and I would need to take some time to figure out what that was because it certainly wasn't making sense right away.

A short time later, I had another prompting that I needed to share my story to that point on social media. I thought it was a little weird and worried that people would think I was looking for attention or something, especially because I had not yet figured out what it was I was supposed to make of the situation. Nevertheless, the feeling persisted, so on January 19, 2019, I posted the following on Instagram and Facebook:

I'm going to share something vulnerable with you, just because I feel like I should. Why? I don't know. Maybe someone can benefit from hearing it. Or it can help me, somehow.

Around 9 months ago, I had a prompting that I should look into becoming a gestational carrier (the term for when someone carries someone else's child. Different from surrogacy in that the child carried is completely biologically related to the intended parents). This was completely out of the blue and not something I had ever thought about or considered before. But the prompting came, and it was strong. I started with research and then I took a step and went and met with a fertility clinic. The process continued smoothly and over the next few months, I had two more really incredible experiences that told me that I was on the right path. I didn't at first know why I was pursuing this path, but I just felt that it was something I was supposed to do. Over time, I received some personal insights into this in some really beautiful experiences I won't share here, but taught me a little bit of the "why" of the situation.

I was matched with a beautiful couple around August or September. I immediately felt good about them and that they were the "right" match. I went through psychological testing (so did Devin), a water ultrasound, blood tests, physicals- you name it- and everything was right on track. Then all the sudden, time passed with very little communication from the couple I was matched with. Just last week, they called to let me know that they are not going to move forward anymore. As much as I support them and their need to do what is right for them, it was still very sad and shocking for me.

The fertility clinic called after I talked to the couple to let me know they have other families that I could potentially match with, but after a lot of prayer and temple attendance, it does not feel right anymore. I am left struggling to make sense of the situation because the clear direction I received was to GO before. Now, suddenly things have changed. I can't deny the experiences I had. However, it doesn't look like moving forward as a gestational carrier is in my future and I wonder what it is I am supposed to learn from the situation. I have had some really good discussions with Devin that have helped on the road to making sense and healing from this, but I still feel oddly sad and confused by the experience. I would love to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience in life if you are willing to share (and personal message or talking in person works great!)

Also, please don't feel offended if you didn't know about this. There are many people who I am very close to in my life who didn't know about this. In fact, I can count on one hand the people who DID know (which is big for me, I am usually a huge blabber mouth as you all know)

(Picture from Day 1 of testing at the fertility clinic) 

We will leave it at that for today! To be continued, as obviously the journey continued!

My Journey as a Gestational Carrier, Part 1:

I know it has been a really, really long time since I have written anything significant in this space. But, it is really the only place I have kept any sort of history of our family, other than Instagram, and this story is much too long to share on an Instagram post. I have had a repetitive feeling that I need to write this story down as part of my own history and for something my kids can look back on later and read. It may also be a history that this baby I am carrying might be interested in someday. So, here we go.

As of today, April 5, 2020, I am 33+ weeks pregnant with a baby girl that is not mine. I am a gestational carrier for a wonderful couple who has chosen this route to grow their family for many very personal reasons, but it is their only means of having a biological child at this time. I'll share more about how I was connected to them and our relationship later. However, I need to start at the beginning.

The start of this journey was in the early months of 2018 (February or March, I think, but I cannot remember for sure). I had never considered or even thought about being a gestational carrier. Side note: gestational carrier means I am just that- I am carrying the baby, but she is fully biologically related to her parents. A surrogate on the other hand uses her own eggs in the process; therefore, the child she delivers is biologically related to her. Anyway, as I was saying, I hadn't ever considered this path before. I don't particularly enjoy being pregnant, it is not something I yearn for or miss when I am not pregnant. I get significantly sick, I hate the weight gain, I hate the heart burn, and in my last pregnancy with Lizzie, I had a medical condition called cholestasis that was straight up miserable. All of that to say that this decision was not made on my own. It took an act of heaven, or multiple, to get me to this point.

In February or March, whatever month it was, 2018, I was at a board meeting for the Utah Infertility Resource Center. They are a fantastic organization that provides multiple resources for the infertility community in Utah. Because of my work with Utah Adoption Specialists, I was asked to sit on their Community Advisory Board, which consists of other professionals who work in the infertility arena, such as physicians, attorneys, therapists, etc. The Advisory Board meets just a few times per year to advise on the needs we are seeing with our clients/patients. Anyway, at this particular meeting, an attorney who does a lot of work with 3rd party reproduction was giving an update on new laws that were on the legislative table that would affect surrogacy and gestational carriers. As he spoke, an impression came to me, "This is something you are supposed to do." I was really surprised by this, because as mentioned, it is not something I have ever thought about.

I was initially concerned about talking to Devin about this thought because it just seemed so out there. To be fair, I have had my share of "out there" ideas (ahem, promptings) in our marriage and he has always been very supportive and taken the time to figure things out for himself to determine if the path is right for us, such as with Flor's and Mishell's adoptions. But this one just seemed so...strange. I didn't really know how to bring it up, so I didn't for a time. I just sat on it and continued to contemplate it. I also started researching. I started reading whatever I could about the process and learning from both sides what it entailed. I have since learned much more, but at the time, I did not know that the majority of carriers use what is called an agency to match them and to keep tabs on the legal process, etc. Instead, I just figured that if and when I was ready to move forward, I would put my contacts in the infertility community to good use and just contact one of the fertility clinics in the area to start the process.

After taking some time to think about it and pray about it on my own, I felt like this was something I should continue to pursue. At that point, I shared with Devin what I was thinking and feeling. He was initially taken aback, I think, but as I said, he is very good about taking the time to figure it out on his own and then coming back to me with his thoughts. It did not take him long to come back to me to tell me that he thought it was something I should continue to research and that he was supportive of whatever I decided. I have said it before and I will say it many times, but I totally hit the jackpot in the husband business. It has to be a little weird to think of your wife being pregnant with someone else's child, right? But he is just so supportive and truly understanding of the promptings I receive. He recognizes the source of such impressions and I remember one comment he made as we were discussing it, saying basically that he made sense of it because it was a good thing to do and a way we could serve someone else in a significant way. He commented that he would never stop me from trying to do something good. 

I decided to take the next step forward and contact a 3rd party reproduction coordinator at the Utah Fertility Center. I met with the coordinator in April of 2018 and she did a great job answering all of my questions. I had a much better understanding of what the process looked like and what to expect. I told her that I still needed to solidify my decision, but she could tentatively put me on the list of people looking for a match. I then went home, continued to pray about it, and determined that I was ready to move forward unless I got a strong reason or prompting to not move forward at some point.

From there, it was a waiting game. I waited all summer long to hear from the clinic about a potential match. It was easy to second guess myself and to wonder if this was the right thing after all with so much time passing and hearing very little from the clinic. During that time, a second impression came, though, that reiterated that I was on the right path.

Every year, my ward (church congregation) does a little ladies retreat. This particular year, we went up the mountain and had a dutch oven dinner and then a guest speaker. To be honest, I am not one that usually attends events like these for whatever reason. But this year, with some pressure from friends (thanks friends), I decided to go. The guest speaker was Meg Johnson, a woman of our faith who faced significant trials after becoming paralyzed in  hiking accident in her early adult years. Meg spoke to us for an hour or so and I was completely riveted by her talk. As she spoke, she shared how she had to learn that she still had significant contributions to give, despite what she felt were big limitations after her accident. She talked about how each of us are a different type of tool with different purposes and how she really wanted to be a big piece of machinery that makes a really big difference, but she was actually a small tool, something like a screwdriver (I may be remembering the exact details wrong-- this is why we should write things down soon after impressions come! But the gist is still there). She said that over time, she came to realize that even if she is a little screwdriver, she still can make a huge difference in her own little area. Not everyone needs to be a bulldozer, but we all still have things to give in our own way.

While Meg shared this story, I had the distinct impression, "You are a crane. You are a builder of families." It's a good thing it was dark up there by then because I immediately started crying and had the spirit wash over me and confirm to me that yes, I was absolutely on the right path and it was something I was being asked to do. I have thought of this analogy a lot in the time since. I have always been a builder of families in the sense that I work in the adoption field and I revere it truly as a calling. I absolutely believe that it is an area where Heavenly Father has blessed me with certain talents and skills that I am supposed to utilize in helping others build their families that cannot in the traditional way. I can look back and see definite divine intervention in the way I joined the adoption world, and later through the creation of my company. I know as surely as I know that I am supposed to be a mother to my particular children that I am also supposed to help others become mothers and fathers who turn to adoption to build their families. I have seen so many miracles in my years of adoption work and it is truly a blessing to see and know that families are created in many different ways. I also know this with a surety because of my own experiences adding Mishell and Flor to our family through adoption. There were no coincidences in either of their stories, just miracles.

When the impression came that I am a builder of families, it made sense to me right away. Though I had never considered building families outside of the adoption arena, I knew through that impression that my role in building families was going to shift a little bit and that in addition to adoption work, I would personally be involved in growing a family through the gestational carrier process.

That seems like a good stopping point, right? More to come, but because all posts are boring without a photo, here is one of my two dear friends Melanie and Annette, the two that dragged me to the Relief Society retreat to hear Meg Johnson. They have been close friends and confidants throughout this entire process and I am grateful that they followed whatever promptings they had that day to take me with them to the retreat. We were not as close of friends at that time, but they took the time to reach out to me for whatever reason and ask me to come along, and for that I am glad. (Also, this picture is from much later-- I have none from the actual retreat, but it looks good, right? It looks like we might be up in the woods during a retreat, so it will suffice!)